Filling the Gap

[theonetoblame]

I have been NC with father for a little over 10 years. It had started a few years before that but then mother died somewhat suddenly and we were in contact around the funeral. Shortly after he chose to revisit the issues that led us to NC even though I had suggested we give it some time (I was wondering if reconciliation may be possible).  At the time it felt like he was angry and wanted to sever things, to go back to how they were, to reiterate and enforce that none of it was his responsibility. I was always 'the one to blame'. I returned to NC.

The thing I came to understand shortly after going NC is that my parents had created such a long standing and enduring narrative of me being a problem that when I started limiting contact it was easy for them to fall back on this narrative and to split their siblings away from me (my aunts and uncles). Classic triangulation stuff, but in a way that I had no voice or influence on the outcome. The few interactions I had with cousins after were toxic, ultimately leaving me feeling cornered and that I needed to defend a position I could never fully explain. They had already 'chosen a side'.

The first several years were filled with vigilance, occasional flying monkeys and a lot of stress. Then there was a couple instances where I shared more detailed information. This had the unexpected result of putting a couple people on their heels, one even said they believed me...! Several of the older generation passed away within a few years of each other and it was no longer possible to correct the damage done by the triangulation. That's the thing about life, it ends. I will never cease to be amazed at how some people will choose to destroy relationships and to ensure this is maintained through to the grave.

Then, silence... fewer aunts and uncles to send flying monkeys cousins, F just faded away, and it's easily been 6 years since I have had contact with anyone. Growing up my extended family approached a hundred people.

For a good 5 years or more the silence was fully welcome, and still is. I felt behind in my own life goals and needed the time to recover and catch up. I also worked through the grief of understanding the enduring impact my developmental traumas had on my life and how they created barriers for me at many critical transitions. This recovery work is still ongoing but is also in the rear view more and more.

There is a gap though... a void where dozens of people I grew up around and believed were my family are no longer present. The splitting worked, was calcified by death, and I am fully aware that the effort and risk of trying to repair the remaining, and damaged, relationships is outside what is safe and reasonable.

How does a person move on without a family? I spent the first half of my life trying to figure out how to have one, only for those efforts to fail. I guess it still feels like I may not have the emotional reserves to reach out, to accept vulnerability. Then there is the reality I'll probably never feel a part of a family again, that it's over, and I need to figure out a different way to be in the world. The pandemic has obviously amplified this isolation, but the vaccines are coming.... and so is the truth that the pandemic won't be a handy excuse anymore.

[SunnyMeadow]

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's tough to go through NC, FM, and alienation.

My uNPD mother alienated all of our family. After I finally realized it was HER and not them, I reached out to some family and it was well received. They offered the validation that they know my mother is difficult and they backed away from her as well. I say, take the chance and contact some family you think will be safe people. 

Also reach out to people in your neighborhood or work. I've met so many nice people this way. Spending time with them is better than hours and hours with my game playing, conniving mother and her FM.

[lightworld]

It is one of the saddest things to lose your family when you go NC and it's painful to think of their view that it is  you who is the 'difficult' one. I sometimes wonder though if some of the family do understand some of it but don't want to rock the boat so it's easier for them to go along with the narrative. As Sunny Meadow suggests you may get a positive response to an approach to certain family members but IME most don't want to alienate themselves, it takes great courage to break away as you know and not everyone can face it.  The hole left inside is probably something those of us who are NC share and it's very hard to cope with at times.

A safe environment and getting to interact with civilised people rather than toxic people is a great comfort I find. It's what I call living in the 'Light World' (hence the name).  I do hope you can find peace and contentment as we are slowly coming out of the pandemic and you can reach out to friends again. 

[Dandelion]

If you can find family members you feel comfortable and share with, the onetoblame, maybe you could progress that in the future?  Even though it was my mother who was the Narcissist, I came to realise over a long period of time that my family as a whole was too dysfunctional, and that there was nowhere to go with it.  I don't know if the reasons were genetic or simply systemic family history, but either way I could never create a happy family out of it.   It may be different for you though.  As for myself, I gradually lost contact over the years (I'm 59 now) and feel happy and relieved with this and my final understanding and decision around it.

[JustKathy]

My situation is quite similar to yours so I really understand what you're going through. I'm also ten years NC and at 61 and have lost my entire family. When I first went NC I lost both of my siblings to a smear campaign, but the more I reflect on things the more I realize that my NPDmother started turning them against me when they were toddlers, so all she had to do was finish what she started. I'm also at an age where Aunts and Uncles are starting to pass away. The chance to talk to them and try to tell them what happened is now gone and it's hard living with the "what ifs." I do think some of them knew that something wasn't right with my mother, but as lightworld said, it was probably safer for them to just go along with it and not rock the boat. Sorry if it sounds like I'm making this about me, but I just want you to know that you're not alone. I understand how much it hurts.

How does a person move on without a family? I think SunnyMeadow has the best advice to offer about reaching out to people in your neighborhood. I try very hard to make friends with all of my neighbors and talk to them every day when we're out walking our dogs. I've lived in my neighborhood for 12 years now and stay here because I feel like this is my home and the place where my family is. It's a different kind of family, but I still consider it a family. I also have former co-workers that I stay in touch with and have become much closer to with age

Last year I was talking to a neighbor, staying at a distance because of Covid. When I walked away she yelled "I love you." I was so blown away that I came home in tears. My mother never said those words to me. There's definitely something to be said for good friendships.

[zak]

I am in exactly the same situation so really do understand how you feel. I've been fully NC for almost six years but like you feel the collateral damage of uNPDM's propaganda campaign. Like you my M triangulated all of her children until all relationships collapsed apart from one I have with a brother who lives 4 house away. Like you I had many many aunts, uncles and cousins growing up and miss feeling part of an extended family.  Like you, I've been to family events, funerals mainly, where I have been treated differently by others who only know M's side of things. She's a very convincing liar. As SunnyMeadow advises; if there is anyone in your family that you think will be open to you make contact. I had one aunt and one cousin who saw through the propaganda and welcomed me. Limited as it was and is; it is a comfort.
My two daughters who I love and have good relationships with have also moved to another city due to relationships and work; my grandchildren have therefore also moved away.For the most part I cope and make my life where I find it, walking groups, community service, visit my daughters as often as I can, connect to friends and try to widen my circle of friends locally. I'm 64 this year so it's not so easy to break into established friendship groups at this age.
Regardless, it hurts and I find it's a hurt that can be triggered and feel very fresh while at other times it's more in the background. I call it the wound that never heals. The alternative to reconnect is not safe or possible any longer. Aunts and uncles have mainly passed away, and siblings are impossibly hostile and are PD's themselves. It's the loss of siblings and nieces and nephews now that cause me the most pain as it would be such a comfort to be like others who have siblings and their children actively in their lives. There is no real answer. We were dealt the hand we were dealt and make the best choices we can for a peaceful life.

[theonetoblame]

Thank you all for the kind and supportive comments. All of you made comments which resonate with me.

There is, without doubt, a history of trauma on both sides of my family. This trauma was accompanied by a lot of secrecy as well as toxic and damaging denial that goes back at least 3 generations to my grandparents and probably beyond. My parents and their siblings grew up in a toxic soup themselves and I know with 100% certainty that not a single one of them ever sought therapy, engaged in conversations about what happened etc. They all believed, to their own detriment, that it all could and should be 'forgiven and forgotten', even though they never forgave and most certainly never forgot. My mother was racked with unresolved symptoms from her childhood trauma until the day she died.

I was adopted into this family, and I'm different... I am academically minded, sought my first therapy sessions at around the age of 20 and am naturally introspective by nature. My status as an adoptee in this family also makes me an outsider by default and seemed to be a convenient excuse for why I am the one with the problems, the one to blame, while everyone else is upheld as normal and healthy. They were soooo toxic...  even writing this causing a bit of spinning in my head from the cognitive dissonance of being blamed for so long, and the vulnerability being an 'orphan' among wolves brought to me.

In the interaction I reference above to when one of my cousins 'believed me', that acknowledgement was immediately followed by a dialogue of how her friend has an adopted child, how this child is 'well adjusted' and has absolutely no need to find her natural family. I sought out my first family when I was 19 and have an ongoing and reasonably healthy relationship with my mom, something none of them seem able to accept. Adoption is beyond the scope of this forum though, I'll only say that I've interacted with hundreds of adoptees. It is more often adoptees who are introspective, healthy and academically minded who seek out their fist family. It is those in the world who do not reconcile their own history who are more likely to repeat the inter-generational mistakes of others.

I could, and probably should, write a book about all of this, but I need to wrap up a 'terminal degree' first... so terminal lol....

Back to the topic at hand, I don't think it's possible or safe to make further attempts to reconcile with any of my adopted family. They made their decisions, don't accept who I am (none of them as ever, once, asked about my first mom, my brothers, my other uncles and cousins etc. or my actual genealogical heritage (which I have traced back dozens of generations)). They don't actually care about me, they care about the role I was supposed to play in their lives and that I don't do a good enough job of it.

The biggest challenge is that I'm so bloody gun shy... the first sign of weirdness in a social interaction and I run for the hills. I do have a couple social things on the horizon though, activities related to ongoing hobbies and talents I have outside the workplace. I do a lot of mindfulness when approaching these things, ensuring I'm being open minded, checking in with myself if I get triggered etc. I'm going to move forward with them as the restrictions lift. I think it's possible that all the excess social isolation as led to a bit of evolving social anxiety for me -- this is new... in spite of everything my stomach never flipped before when thinking about engaging with new people. It's sort of like I have just spent too much time alone lately and need to participate in some social rehabilitation... wow.... 

[SunnyMeadow]

I'm feeling the same way theonetoblame, the gun shy thing. I'm reserved and shy until I get to feel safe with people which can take a long time. But I've been making a real effort to reach out to others (mainly neighbors) and we get together and have a good time. They aren't into game playing like the family I grew up with and wow, is it ever nice! I try to be better at reading people and have backed away from one woman who brings a lot of drama. I don't like the chaos and my body tells me to back away.

I'm sorry to read you were treated as an outsider because you were adopted. That's awful. I always think of adopted kids as the chosen ones and ones I would think would be treated extremely well. It's not something I know much about. After you explain how your adopted family treated you, I agree they are better off in your rearview mirror!

Keep posting here and I hope you do write that book one day!  Could be very cathartic. 

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi there

I can relate as well. After going NC I tried to form bonds that were family like. But a lot of luck is involved. We don't pick our neighbours and sometimes we end up living somewhere and no one around us has any interest for that FOC or even friendship.

I had to become cautious about what roles people wanted.

And whether there are some healthy things going on in a group I want to join.

Some of the people I tried to befriend after NC, were nice folks. Good people who see their FOO fairly regularly...but they were looking for a confidante more than anything. To them an outside person who didn't know their FOO or their FOC was someone they could use to vent about those other relationships- without their FOO hearing it.

They want an outside of their family person to vent to.

With scheduled group activities (ie organized sports or book clubs etc...) you'll be around people and hopefully enjoy your interests together.

[theonetoblame]

@treesgrowslowly, I find those types of relationships unpleasant and generally one sided. If I'm not venting about my FOO I expect others around me to recognize that if they constantly vent about their FOO then the relationship is imbalanced and unidirectional. Many people don't have the self awareness to recognize this, or simply don't care -- their need to vent outweighs their desire to be respectful of others.

Then there is the personal growth factor. I have had circles of friends over the years, people I connected with when I was still in the fog and not realizing my potential. I needed to outgrow myself, and to leave parts of who I had become behind. Then come the comments 'you've changed etc.' and the gradual loss of some of those relationships as well. The changes in me were for the better and were not optional.

I completely agree that coming together with people around common interests is a good strategy. Even better, if these common interests also draw people with common values. I believe that sharing common values is the bedrock of any sustainable relationship.

[theonetoblame]

@sunnymeadow, perhaps give this video a watch https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y3pX4C-mtiI

The video brings the risk of labeling all adoptees as potential addicts to the novice viewer. But, the presenter makes some statements that ring true to me. In particular, his description of the adoptee having an 'impossible job description' put upon them fits very well with my experience. My mother couldn't have children due to trauma and abuse, her unconscious hope in adopting me was that I would be the 'fix' and she would finally have the baby she otherwise couldn't. It was an impossible role to be successful in.

[treesgrowslowly]

@theonetoblame,

I agree about our growing up not being optional. It can make it harder to find the new people that we want in our life.

Thanks for sharing about your experience. It helps to know we're not alone.

Trees

[Dandelion]

I think the PD person rarely stands alone in a family.  There are usually many various dysfunctional members around, though may not be all so impossible or personality-disordered.  As a poster said above, it also seems to go back a few generations for whatever reason.

I don't see any of my family now.  Only my 18 year son, and thats reluctantly at times as he isn't the easiest!  I'm NC with my mother and only have a small extended family in another country and we are rarely in contact now.  Not much in common and too much water under the bridge.

Around me in the Summer I see groups of families in the park etc and do sometimes feel a bit different I guess.  Most people's social life is built at core around their family when you think about it, for many its very central.  But my family history is different to theirs and so I find myself in a quite different place.  Sometimes it would be nice to have more company but I really enjoy my own as well and that has many rewards.

So most of the time time I don't really feel a gap, and often a kind of freedom.  I am pretty much OK on my own and really enjoying this time of peace and just doing what I want without the arguments and stress of my mother in particular, but occasionally extended family.  A couple of quite long friendships that had run their course have also ended but this also feels right.  I feel at peace with that even and it was the right time.  I am becoming something of a social recluse in some ways I suppose, but I'm also quite enjoying it at the moment.  However, I should add I am nearly 60 so alot of this may be age-related. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'm also NC with every single family member and IL family member. My uNmother has a large extended family. Her mother was also an N, uNgrandma's father was an alcoholic. My mother and her cousins grew up enmeshed. As an adult my mother was something of an outsider, me and my siblings certainly were. It was a once a year gathering for us. At which I mostly read a book, even though I had similar aged cousins. So I feel there really isn't a gap to fill most of the time.

But there is. It just can't be filled by the usual expectation of a family, and never was for me. I do feel that it's better to not have it and there be an obvious void than for it to be there in a life-sucking way when you think what you have is normal and good.

I'm unusual I suppose in that I don't reject the ideal of a family as such, as many do, in favor of some sort of individualism. I don't see it so much on this board, but other places yes. That the fact of this cultural ideal that persists throughout history and across cultures does in fact speak to a deep need of the human heart. I wrote about this last night... we can do our best and do more or less ok with a FOC. Over time we can build it up. I'm on track to become a matriarch perhaps in time myself, which scares me a little. But for those who don't marry and have their own biological FOC, I think it would be really hard to face the loneliness without at least a church family or similar. As was said up thread, shared values are an important foundation for close relationships. And we just need those.

I often find myself thinking, "This world is my ship and not my home." That's usually a relief.

[Dandelion]

I think its surely a challenging path, theonetoo, but I also believe with rewarding possibilities, quiet pleasures and Carpe Diem!