Down the rabbit hole again

[Fiasco]

Well, she got me again. Years of boundaries and trusting myself and I still got completely caught up in a week of BPDm drama. It's started with a crying phone call that she's losing her mind (duh) because she got a late notice on a bill and now she doesn't know if she's paying her bills right at all.  As part of my dutiful daughter routine I monitor her bank accounts and keep a checklist of bills to see that she's paying them. She had missed one bill completely recently but whatever, everything is paid up and good. I reassure her and (stupid me) give her the payment history on this account instead of telling her to look it up herself. First mistake.

The very next day I get a message from the company whose fall detection button she wears that she fell during the afternoon. I dutifully called and got the details and checked in with flying monkey aunt, who will be calling any minute anyway. FMA immediately starts hammering on me that BPDm is not "fine" and am I even paying attention. I resist the urge to tell FMA what she can do with this attitude and try to sound like I care.

Well the next day I get more messages from FMA that "something" is wrong with BPDm and that FMA has had a call from a friend of mom who is very worried. But of course despite me repeatedly asking for details aunt only repeats that I should talk to friend. Cue my husband saying, "I told you your aunt was into the BS too". He's correct.

Meanwhile I've called BPDm a couple times and she really is out of it. She called the hospital after she fell and they ordered a cat scan of her head but she thinks they want to examine her knee that's been bothering her. She is not scheduling the cat scan because she doesn't seem to know about it. I start to freak out.

This whole drama ends with me calling her doctor for two days and finally getting a call back saying BPDm indeed needs to go to emergency right away. I call concerned friend and tell her (I'm 2000 miles away) to load up and head to the ER only to have the visiting nurse who is currently also there tell the friend that no, mom is fine, what is going on? And everybody has a good laugh at my expense and everyone but me lives happily ever after, probably chuckling to themselves about what an overprotective hysteric Fiasco is.

They got me again, but this will be the last time I do anything more than say "call the ambulance if you're worried". I'm so angry, and so disappointed in myself.

[Cat of the Canals]

Please be gentle with yourself. With the information you were given, especially considering it was from multiple sources (some of them outside the drama, like your mother's doctor), I think you reacted perfectly normally.

Treat it as a learning experience, especially in terms of knowing in the future that your aunt is NOT a reliable source.

[Fiasco]

Thank you CotC, I know you're right. I'm disappointed I got sucked in again, but I'm wiser for the experience.

[lightworld]

Oh Fiasco it's so easy to be drawn back in, please don't beat yourself up about it. Probably most of us on here have been drawn back into PD drama at some point. I totally agree with Cat of the Canals, it's a learning experience, each time we deal with these so called crises with a PD, we learn and grow stronger.

It's unbelievable what chaos they can cause putting you on high urgency alert only to come out the other side and act as if nothing happened.  I have also found that there are people, perhaps like your aunt, who thrive on drama and particularly if they can then endlessly gossip about what a hopeless daughter I am and how they 'put themselves out' when it really should be me (like you I live a distance away thank goodness)

I'm not sure what these people get out of it but my cousin is like this and she actively winds NF up to help create the drama she seems to love. Then delights in telling me he's not happy with me, he's 'really ill' or worst of all ' 'he's just desperate!' What does that even mean and what am I supposed to do about it?!! 

I hope that now it's calmed down you can take some time to settle and heal. Do something nice for yourself this weekend.

[SunnyMeadow]

Fiasco, I used to get sucked in all the time but I'm getting better. Like you said, you're wiser for the experience, same with me. I apparently have to learn the hard way, but I'm learning! This stuff is tough. It's like I was raised to respond to "poor mother". 

I keep in mind that she's a grown woman and not incapable of the basics of life. She just likes to act like waify so people (me) will come running. Now emergency visits are a different level, no wonder you were concerned and stressed. You were hearing second hand info and being 2000 miles away, you had no immediate way to verify. Please don't be angry and disappointed in yourself. Your reaction is completely understandable. I think your new response to call the ambulance if you're worried is the best thing to do.

[Cat of the Canals]

They got me again, but this will be the last time I do anything more than say "call the ambulance if you're worried".

I thought of something out of Woman Interrupted's handbook earlier this morning. I think I recall her saying something along the lines of, "If this is an emergency, I'm going to hang up and call an ambulance." when her mother was playing the I'M DYING card. It's kind of brilliant because it:

1. expresses concern on your part, but in such a way that your mother is forced to acknowledge whether or not the situation is TRULY an emergency.
2. has a built-in consequence should your mother be crying wolf again, because I imagine she'd be embarrassed to have to tell the paramedics that everything is actually fine.

[Sneezy]

They got me again, but this will be the last time I do anything more than say "call the ambulance if you're worried".

I thought of something out of Woman Interrupted's handbook earlier this morning. I think I recall her saying something along the lines of, "If this is an emergency, I'm going to hang up and call an ambulance." when her mother was playing the I'M DYING card. It's kind of brilliant because it:

1. expresses concern on your part, but in such a way that your mother is forced to acknowledge whether or not the situation is TRULY an emergency.
2. has a built-in consequence should your mother be crying wolf again, because I imagine she'd be embarrassed to have to tell the paramedics that everything is actually fine.

I actually used this advice last fall when my mom had me convinced she was having a heart attack.  Called 911 and she got a ride to the hospital in an ambulance (I posted about it at the time, and long story short, it was actually a kidney stone).  Mom was not happy, especially when she got the bill for her share of the ambulance cost.  Oh well, as the "concerned daughter," I made it clear that any time she says the words "chest pain" I'm calling 911.  No discussion, no take-backs. 

Fiasco - You live too far away from your mom to realistically be expected to handle any emergencies.  Your instincts are spot on - if it's a true emergency, someone who is there has to call 911.  Don't beat yourself up for getting involved in the drama, though.  The thing about boundaries is, no matter how strong they are, they sometimes get breached.  You are doing a good job of assessing what happened and working on preventing it from happening again.  That's all we can do.  Hang in there!

[Fiasco]

Thank you everyone for making me feel better. I think what I need now is boundaries for my aunt. I need a plan for what to do when she decides there's another potential emergency happening. Thanks to your responses I'm realizing how out of line she is! When you're worried about someone in time zone a and you live in time zone b, how does it make any sense to start rattling the cage of someone (me) who lives in time zone c?

I wouldn't mind a text asking for information and sharing a concern but I'm not any closer to mom than aunt is. And aunt wouldn't even give me the information that moms friend shared, only insisted I needed to talk to the friend myself. That's not the action of someone with a legitimate concern, that's playing a fun game with Fiasco. Wow, I've been so wrapped up with mom and then being angry I hadn't taken the time to really look at aunts role. I do believe next time this happens I will give her the phone number for the doctors office and encourage her to share her worries with someone who can actually DO something about it. Wow. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

[Fiasco]

Ok! I did it! I wrote a generic text to my aunt with the doctor's phone number and all the other information she would need to report a concern and saved it in the "notes" on my phone under the doctor's contact info. It's all ready to be copy and pasted into a text back to the aunt next time a situation like this comes up. I am ready to repeat as needed "you need to call the doctor if you're worried". I feel a million times better

[Cat of the Canals]

Ok! I did it! I wrote a generic text to my aunt with the doctor's phone number and all the other information she would need to report a concern and saved it in the "notes" on my phone under the doctor's contact info. It's all ready to be copy and pasted into a text back to the aunt next time a situation like this comes up. I am ready to repeat as needed "you need to call the doctor if you're worried". I feel a million times better

Awesome idea! I know it always helps me to have a game plan already in place for "next time."

[lightworld]

Excellent Fiasco so you have learnt something from this experience that will protect you in future. No guarantees though, we're all vulnerable to something appearing out of left field from PD and there's no shame in breaking your boundaries, it's all part of the process, crazy making though that is.

It's great that so many of us are channelling Woman Interrupted it almost feels like she's still with us. 

[Dandelion]

No guarantees though, we're all vulnerable to something appearing out of left field from PD and there's no shame in breaking your boundaries, it's all part of the process, crazy making though that is.

Yes, its seems like that is how it is Lightworld.  I am No Contact right now, or forever, who knows, and I can see why people find this easier.  Even with LC or VLC and boundaries of iron and steel, I think you are right - there will always be breaches and things that come out at you from leftfield.  Probably happens even with NC:  e.g. the sudden contact out of the blue, the Flying monkeys, even the death notice.  I believe the main thing we can do then is to take some time to breathe and heal from it - and get back on track - just like Fiasco did.  Remembering to put one's own well-being first and foremost (we deserve it, bigtime, usually after a lifetime of dealing with their behaviour)

[Dandelion]

Also, may I quote Shakespeare as well?  Sorry if this is a bit leftfield ...

"Suit the action to the word, the word to the action, with this
special observance, that you o'erstep not the modesty of nature:
for any thing so o'erdone is from the purpose of playing, whose
end, both at the first and now, was and is, to hold as 'twere the
mirror up to nature: to show virtue her feature, scorn her own
image, and the very age and body of the time his form and
pressure.

I saw this quote from Hamlet in the American comedy show "Will n' Grace" which I'm enjoying at the moment! (I'm English btw).  Apparently this is about the belief of classical playwrights who insist that "drama be a form of truth, not mere entertainment." The PD parent at core deals in lies and subtefuge, so it is doubly hard to find our way through this.  So we need to cut ourself some slack when we  sometimes struggle or miss the cues.   

[moglow]

Fiasco, glad to see you've got a handle on this one! Now - just put it down and be easy with yourself. Mo profundity for today: You did what you did because of who YOU are, not because of them. You did what you felt and knew to be right when dealing with rational reasonable people. It's not your stuff that your mother is neither of those, or that you still chose to do what you felt was best.

The aunt? It's possible she's not laughing at all, that she allowed herself to be dragged into it believing what your mother told her. Not all flying monkeys know their assigned role - She was getting phone calls and/or texts from your mother and swallowed what she was fed. I guarantee every one of us have been flying monkeys at some point or another and may never knew the role we played!

Years ago I'd blocked mommie dearest on my cell phone - I'd had ENOUGH of her games and refused to play anymore. She knew it and knew exactly why, I made it abundantly clear when I did it and mother had made several half-assed attempts to get me to change it later. One day a strange woman called me, said she was mother's neighbor and mother asked that I call her cell phone. Is something wrong, is her phone not working? We just spoke earlier! Oh she didn't say, just asked that you call.

I called mother's home phone and left a voicemail. Within minutes mother called and peeled my skin off with a scathing response, demanded to know why I didn't call her cell phone. Um because it's blocked and you know this. What's wrong, did you need something and couldn't reach me? Oh NOOOOOO! She went totally outer limits that I dared call her home phone, not her cell. We're ON the phone, so she could clearly address whatever it was, but no. It was yet another pathetic bid for the *type* of contact she demanded, not that she actually wanted to talk with me. Lesson learned.

[The neighbor actually called me again later, apologized for causing a problem. I told her she didn't owe me an apology, that mother owed HER one for embroiling her in her little dramafest. She's called since and I refused the calls. I'm not interested.]

Peace, Fiasco! You've more than earned it.

[Fiasco]

Dandelion I love it! That's a great quote and I adore Will and Grace.

Moglow I'm annoyed because I feel like I should have known better and seen my aunt more clearly. Mental illness and PDs run rampant in that family (hooray for being adopted) but you're right. I wasn't sure so I gave aunt the benefit of the doubt, because I'm fundamentally a good person. I will stop beating myself up for being a good person and not a game playing drama queen.

[moglow]

Believe me, if any of mother's siblings were still living, I'd have been right where you were! That whole damned bunch was warped and twisted and loved nothing better than to dig down into someone's business and make judgments. I see it now because hindsight is such a grand thing, but when they were all still living? We/"kids" didn't see or admit to any of it until MUCH later on, after most of them had passed.

You're good people, as we say down here. Hold on to that and let go of things you can't possibly change.

[Fiasco]

I have to report the latest attempt to make Fiasco jump again because I know you'll all relate. Briefly I got a text from nice friend, who apparently is now being used as FM which sucks because she's really nice. Anyway an hour ago I get a message from friend, BPDm forgot (yeah right) to stop by and get a test done when she was at the hospital and friend just wanted to know if I knew anything about it. I said I didn't and friend said no problem I'll take care of it. Great! She's great.

Guess who jussssst called and left me a voicemail. Fiasco did you try to call me? I missed some calls and I think it was you? Oh hell no lady. She thought I would rush to the phone after FM friends message didn't she. I won't be calling her at all this week. No rewards for naughty behavior.

[Andeza]

Oh good heavens the "Did you try to call me?" line. My uBPDm tried that and I knew quite well her cell phone had caller ID. For pity's sake. Called her on that line, too. Pointed it out, asked why on earth she would think it was me if it wasn't the right caller ID. Much stuttering and no sensible explanation. Closest she got was assuming maybe I got a new phone number. Not even a great excuse, because I always left voicemails if I couldn't get her, even a simple "Hey it's me, I'll try again later."

Yes, thank heavens for being adopted... Especially when mental health issues of all flavors run rampant, like in my FOC. Not to say anyone from that background cannot rise above with hard work, likely some therapy, and dedication, just that not sharing DNA gives a leg up.

Sorry she's trying to yank your chain, Fiasco. It's their favorite pastime, and we gotta be aware and take care of ourselves. You call when YOU want to, not when she tries to bug the crap out of you.

[Sneezy]

Oh good heavens the "Did you try to call me?" line.

  All. The. Time.

If I send my mom a text message, she will call and ask "did you try to call me?"  Same if I send an email, or if she gets a facebook notification that I posted a photo, or if she happens to see an old notification, or if she suddenly discovers a three-week old voicemail message.  "Did you try to call me?"  That is PD-speak for "I'm bored and want you to pay attention to me, you are a bad daughter for not calling me often enough, so I'm going to pretend you called and I'm calling you back and hopefully you feel guilty."   

[Leonor]

Hi Fiasco,

No real person who read this post or heard this story would think anything about you except that you are a kind and loving person who cares about her mom.

The people who *should* feel stupid and ashamed and guilty are your mother and aunt, for taking advantage of you for their own entertainment and then cruelly laugh at you for it.

Breathe. Imagine a force field of kindness and tranquility surround you, and let that black sludge of shame just bounce off and slide right back where it belongs, to mom and aunt.

It's not yours, it doesn't belong to you.

You are safe and sane and deserve only the good things.