"Toxic Loyalty" ?

[11JB68]

Somehow this phrase came to mind yesterday when I was thinking about how my upbringing may have influenced my choices/behavior in life.
Doing a lot of thinking lately about my own contribution to my current situation and WHY/HOW I ended up like this.
I googled "Toxic Loyalty" and a few things came up so I guess I did not 'coin this phrase' myself.
Here is what it meant to me when I thought of it:
Growing up with a possibly BPD and/or Covert NPD and/or OCPD mother.... One of her refrains was that "family is everything"  - the 'only important people are your family' - 'only your family really loves/cares about you' - 'I don't need friends' - we don't tell 'family stuff' (aka 'secrets') to 'outsiders' (outsiders could be friends, or extended family members etc.) I was taught to be loyal to my family even when they were causing damage, even when I needed outside support/validation.
In fact - one of the reasons I started dating my now-husband was that uPDm 'hated' the bf I had at the time. It was so uncomfortable for me to deal with the stress of that , that I was sort of on a 'mission' to replace him with someone more acceptable. Of course, little did I know back then, that GOOD LUCK - no one would be acceptable to her. She 'loved' uPDh for a while, then quickly 'hated' him too, and I was right back to the same/worse uncomfortable situation and feeling forced to 'choose' between her and him. Meanwhile - while bf had some issues, and I would probably see things differently now, looking back - he was not bad and I may have been better off in the long run with him!! :0
But that 'toxic loyalty' to uPDm caused me to terminate that relationship; my 'toxic loyalty' to uPDh is making it very hard for me to decide to leave him.
When I had my final face-to-face meeting with uPDm, eF was there. I was very close with him. He KNEW what she was like. She was VERY verbally/emotionally abusive to him always. Yet, he stood there and said to her "You've done nothing wrong". It was then that I knew all was lost. Not only did I go NC with her but with him as well...
Anyone else have any thoughts on this topic?

[Hopeful Spine]

Toxic loyalty kept me from a career path I wanted to take.  Even though I really wanted to take the job my dad had a wealth of reasons why I shouldn't.  So I didn't.

Toxic loyalty guided my love life.  I got engaged to the first person who asked because I felt it would make my parents happy.  I was not happy.  In the end my parents weren't happy.  I was so disappointed when he asked.  "Such bad luck" is what I thought.  No one told me that I was allowed to say, "no" to a marriage proposal.  That all ended epically.

Toxic loyalty made me small.  My mom doesn't like confident or overly outgoing women.  She would talk about how fake and bitchy they were.  So I made sure to not be fake or bitchy.  Go with the flow, people pleaser - that's me.  Or used to be me.  I now know that 'bitchy" people are usually nice people who aren't afraid to speak up.  I now know that "fake" people are usually people who have a lot of joy in their life and aren't afraid to show it.

Toxic loyalty made me dress badly.  My mom scorned things that were:
- pretty (don't be a show off.  She always spoke poorly of women who dressed with detail),
- frivolous (it's stupid to spend more than $20 on a purse.  I had to work hard to get her to buy a prom dress for me)
- flattering (you look like a slut in that shirt.  Something she's said to me.)
- thin (she'd whisper in my ear - "look at that woman.  Her thighs don't even touch.  She's disgusting")

Today it takes me forever to shop.  I'm trying hard to purchase a piece of clothing that looks nice and current but not flashy.  That won't cost a lot and will last forever and could be worn for any kind of occasion.  Most importantly something that doesn't show off my curvy figure.  I'm very blessed with a (slightly chubby) hourglass figure.  I'm short and very difficult to dress.  But I know what looks good on me and I'm afraid to buy it.  I usually look a little drab and dumpy.

It's taken me years but I'm finally starting to purchase a top - just for fun.  Or a dress that compliments my difficult figure - even if is makes me look sexy.  But I'm still careful to dial it down around my mom.

Toxic loyalty made me elope with my first husband (not the first man I was engaged to).  My mom constantly told me it would be smarter and cheaper to just run away to get married.  So I did.  And then everyone was upset that I did something so stupid.  Including my mom.

Toxic loyalty is making me stay on a committee that I HATE being a part of.  I have less than a year on my term and I'm very uncomfortable not sticking to my commitment.  I'm loyal to what I've agreed to but it's very toxic.

Toxic loyalty is hard to break. Because then you have to admit that for years you've been thinking the wrong things, that you've been dressing poorly, that you've not loved properly or shared yourself fully with the people you think you are close too.  But little by little I'm understanding that peace comes with being loyal to yourself.

[SparkStillLit]

If you've got it, be proud of it!!
I know. It's not feminine to be intelligent, or so tall, or to like getting dirty. Conversely, it's ridiculous to wear all my makeup in the field, AM I TRYING TO IMPRESS MEN?????
The birds and the bugs and the lizards dig it. That's my new response. (The reality is, I have a makeup problem! I have tons of it, and I buy more tons, what good does it do languishing in my kit???). No more languishing.
It's not feminine to have OPINIONS, or to SHARE THEM. Well. F that. (This is difficult. I've long been trained to agreeable silence. Loyalty is keeping the status quo. NO MORE.)
There are lots more. The stuff we can't change, though, like our shapes, that we've been trained to cover and be ashamed of? I'm done. I'll wear my big huge heels and be 6'4". If you're intimidated, deal with it. I'm the most nonthreatening person ever. Flats shmats.

[Hopeful Spine]

If you've got it, be proud of it!!
----
There are lots more. The stuff we can't change, though, like our shapes, that we've been trained to cover and be ashamed of? I'm done. I'll wear my big huge heels and be 6'4". If you're intimidated, deal with it. I'm the most nonthreatening person ever. Flats shmats.

I love this!!  The weird thing is that almost no one is perfectly beautiful.  Most people say, My nose is big but I have a great smile so I'm going to wear a great lipstick.  or "I've got a pooch belly but fabulous legs so I'm going to rock these shorts."  You are supposed to accept what is lacking in your appearance and then just emphasis the positive. 

Here's me, "I've got varicose veins so I'm going to wear capris.  I can wear this top but it's kind of flashy so I'm going to wear my hair down to kind of tone it down.  I'll add a bracelet but not a necklace.  And no lipstick."  It's like I'm allowing myself to wear the great shirt that flatters my bust but I'm going to understate every. other. thing. in order to justify the choice.

It's truly exhausting to work so damn hard to look so basic.  I just want to be fun!

[Duck]

I think about this all the time.

On another forum, someone posted this article.

https://www.heysigmund.com/toxic-people-when-someone-you-love-toxic/

This struck me - "When loyalty comes with a diminishing of the self, it's not loyalty, it's submission."

I worry a lot wondering if family structures are inherently wrong, and if so, why would God arrange it so humans are in charge of creating and raising other humans in such an awful manner. I just want you to know you're not alone.

[SparkStillLit]

11jb it's like with HAIR. Remember that?
Remember all my mad colors? I can't afford mad colors anymore, but if I could, I would. I'm tired of toxic. Getting more tired by the minute.

[11JB68]

Duck, that quote hit it on the head for me!! Yes!

Spark... Hair, omg... While I feel like the issues with downplaying our sense of style was slightly off the topic I had in mind these are definitely things I relate to and struggle with... Though yes, it's the people pleasing/Loyalty that causes this.... I still resent the hair issues and perseverate on them.... And yet that was a big part of my 'awakening' so maybe I should be thankful

[xredshoesx]

this is a HUGE thing in my professional life......if you don't do a, b, c  you are not dedicated.....but a , b , c require you to compromise your personal time/ finances, make you a doormat for the higher ups and end up adding more stress to an already stressful job......  being here helped me to say NO effectively to this behavior at work. 

[SparkStillLit]

Sorry to derail you! I thought of it more like, anything we were doing to suppress our normal self was being loyal to them and their ways.
What about keeping their dumb secrets and sweeping their behavior under the rug and prettying it up for public? By secrets I mean how they really act and what they say about people behind their backs.