PD is running the show I think

[OddFamily]

So grandma's all anxious about hip replacement.  There's anxiety about major surgery, and there's I must have it done right now so I don't have to worry about it.  She was saying she wanted all the pre-op clearances done now for her and my mom's anxiety.  Um, no, your anxiety, mom is more anxious about you rushing things and the consequences thereof (no you can't skip this or that clearance), and the fact that she shuts down over anything medical and mom has to handle it it.  Grandma did point out that 'once again it all falls on my mom".  Mom and I are in wholehearted agreement.
But, has grandma taken one step to deal with this in all these years?  No. 
She refuses treatment to get anxiety under control, anxious is default state with her.  She places more priority on a house she can't keep up and a lifestyle she can't maintain than her safety and finances and consider moving to assisted living.  She refuses to use other services (grocery delivery, senior transportation, etc) to take the load off mom, and the only reason she has stuck with 24 hour care is it enables her to stay home and not be in rehab or assisted living.  I point out the benefits of these things, and no, she doesn't want to hear it, the queen must have what she wants.  Ok, but do not complain when we do whatever it is on our schedule, not yours.   
And now she insists on my mom somehow finding time to get a nice wedding gift for her PT.  To be fair this PT has gone over and above, but when does mom have time to go get a vase when due to Grandma's insistence there's a doctor appointment every day this week and next.   And her forgetfulness is turning mean spirited lately, like why can't you cancel your work shift to do this or that for me. 
I can only hope the mask keeps slipping and that mom continues to see her as dad and I do.  The day mom drops the rope or grandma passes will be a massive celebration for me as she's been such an emotional and energy drain for so long, and to be honest mom wants her life back.   

[Penny Lane]

That is very frustrating to watch and I'm sorry that you have to witness it! It is very sad that she was able to choose to give you the gift of a healthy enough upbringing to see the toxic dynamic, but she can't see it herself.

I would suggest that some of the toolbox tools around emotionally de-investing work not just with PDs, but with enablers too. Your mom is choosing to be a part of this dynamic. It's easy for an outsider to say that, of course, and much harder for someone in her position to come Out of the FOG. But I do think that you can appreciate this gift she has given you while trying to not get invested in how she's allowing herself to be used.

[OddFamily]

PennyLane,
Yes, frustrating it is.  I'm not entirely convinced she's going to remain an enabler from what I've seen these last few weeks.  She did have the lightbulb go on  as it were, her exact words were "I won't take this abuse".  She's been putting up boundaries over the past years and sticking to them.