Has anyone left because of SO's 'people'?

[HippoDisco]

Hoping someone can help with some perspective or advice on how to cope.

From other posts, some may know I'm here because of an uNPD MIL (or certainly strong traits), who amongst many other things, struggles with emotional incest/enmeshment and boundaries.

As you'd expect, some of her 'ideals', (shall we say!) have rubbed off on my SO, but having had enough experience with PD individuals, I do believe he isn't the same as them. His main issues are the huge self-esteem problems, anxiety, abandonment fears and lack of normal boundaries with others, so you can imagine that we struggle with other people.

SO's parents are just one lot (feel free to read previous posts for context!), but SO in general has a habit of allowing others to take advantage and tends not to pick up on people who are, for lack of a better word, toxic and dangerous for a person's wellbeing (he's autistic, so I think he genuinely misses these cues ... plus with his momma - well, what a surprise!).

A good example is someone, who, at 30-yrs-old, he still refers to as his, 'best friend'. They were as kids, growing up. We've been together 7 yrs and he's literally seen this person a handful of times, with sporadic contact in between (he seems to pop up out of the woodwork when bored). For perspective, in the last 4yrs we have bumped into him at a supermarket.

Years ago, we had this guy along to our group holiday (every year with a big group of friends) and he almost immediately alienated himself from everyone there because he was rude, erratic, taking drugs and shot and killed pigeons before bringing the corpses poolside to dangle in front of everyone's faces. Having had a few exchanges with him, he has been underhandedly rude to me (those slid under the table comments, like my MIL has done - subtle enough to not necessarily noticed by anyone else) and is not someone I want at my home. I feel it's too much of a compromise - SO feels it places him in an awkward position and thinks I just see the bad in everybody. I don't think it's unreasonable for me to not want this type of person at my house, but then where is the line, as it's his too?

If anyone has insight as to why SO wants to desperately maintain such a strange connection and still thinks of this person as a, 'best friend' I'd be really interested to hear it, as well.

I just feel like I'm constantly fighting and fending off people who want to chew off a piece of my wellbeing and I'm totally exhausted. We've had a couple of personal tragedies (miscarriage and lost a cat that was practically a baby too) over the last 6 months and at the moment, I am also managing a similarly difficult person at work. I really feel like I have no fight left and I'm surrounded by monsters. I haven't slept properly in months. Like, is this going to be my life? 

[notrightinthehead]

I am so sorry for all the losses in your life.

As for your SO, it sounds a little like you have the role of the adult in this relationship - you are fending off difficult people while he is defending them. Maybe he needs to have his learning experience himself, maybe it takes him longer to see how his friend is like.
How can you let him have his experience without compromising your own well being?  How can he hang out with whoever he wants without affecting you? You are not his mama. You don't need to protect him. You need to protect yourself.  What can you do that is good for you?

[tragedy or hope]

  Hippo Disco
I am so glad you brought this up. This is my plight. Including a unpdfill who is toxic to our life. My unpdh is obligated by his own choice to call this 90 + foul mouthed, ungodly, shell of a human being at least once every other week. He never treated his son with respect, in fact he was abusive until his son achieved something in life (running his own business.) Unpdfil wanted in on it, I resisted with my unpdh and he never did get in to destroy us.

I had a bad dream actually about him last night. When I shared it with my unpdh he changed the subject. When I pointed it out he said I don't want to you to think about it... when i said you can't control what I think, he said, I am not trying to control what you think. Gaslighting is their thing, so is denial of anything they are confronted with.

Anyway, I have dodged these people most of my life, but the unpdfil is planning in his mid-nineties to drive across the country with his 90 something SO and her  50+ daughter and grandson.

I have to figure a way to keep my sanity as they have decided to come see us on the way.

unpdh is bored... so he gets on the phone calling people I hardly know (neither does he) and invites them to visit... I have to keep reiterating I am old and done with that. He oblivious to my feelings, and thinks Everyone wants to come see HIM... because, as he has said, "People like him more than they like me." This winter, a couple we knew most of our lives showed up in our town at the Walmart with their two dogs in a camper to come see US! I had no idea, but unpdh had an inkling because he had been telling the husband to come. Turns out I enjoyed their company it was a diversion but unpdh did not because the man is equally needy of attention and he dominated all conversation. Undph could not wait for them to leave. Needless to say I told him NEVER to do that to me/us again.

He gathers really weird people together, "flying monkeys" and calls them his friends. He pretends they are of the same faith and he is in charge of their spiritual gatherings. It is something no one could make up.

They are his friends because he thinks they need him. He knows how to pick them. Loners, other pd's, people with weird personalities.

I finally told him, that his friends are not my friends and to not expect me to get to know them, OR as he tends to do, begin some kind of social connection with the wives. By the way, he makes sure puts the wives names in his phone with the guys so he can tell them to either "say hi" and use her name or ask by name how she is doing though they have never met.

It's all part of his MO. I would imagine he is not the only person doing this. He is obsessed with his phone as he builds this group and of course, he has deemed himself their leader.

He will not sincerely encourage anyone else to be responsible because he wants the job, it offers him lots of attention and reason to talk about his good works as much as possible.

This is just a tiny piece of this world I live in... thanks for bringing it up.