The view from 2 months out

[CagedBirdSinging]

It's been 2 months since I left pdH. In some ways it feels like longer. I can't believe I ever lived that life.

The good things:
-The peace in my home. The place is clean, not cluttered with his rubbish, and it is such a calm relaxing space.
-I don't have to walk on eggshells or dread the latest lecture. There's nobody berating me or punishing me with hostile silence. I can just be me.
-Having family over for visits. Being able to have my mum over for a glass of wine and a chat for the first time in 4 YEARS! I could never have guests before because pdh hated everyone I loved. He claimed to have been deeply hurt by them, so refused to have them in his house. My house. I was not able to have visitors in my house for years.
-Laughing more with the kids. A more relaxed, normal atmosphere. They have settled well and seem very happy in their new home.
-Saving money (an unexpected bonus) I am spending so much less without him draining our finances.
-Focussing on my career and creativity. More time for self care.
-Early nights! Better sleep and not being made to feel guilty for sleeping

The bad things:
-PdH still flip flopping all over the place. I can't keep up. He keeps deciding we are getting back together, acting as if I have been leading him on, giving signals that I want him back (I haven't), pushing me to make a final decision to get back together.. then when I tell him its definitely over, he goes off in a strop, demanding money... then back to square one, deciding we should get back together. Its exhausting.

He's doing it at the moment, love bombing me relentlessly, pretending to be Mr Nice Guy, totally different to how he was for the past 6 years. I'm not buying it. But it's exhausting, having to remind myself this isn't real. It's like the ultimate gaslighting; he is pretending to be a totally different person, and denying that he was ever any different. He wants to prove me wrong, and prove I had no reason for leaving the marriage.

I'm just so sick of it. There have been a few moments when I have thought maybe he has changed, maybe it could work... but realistically there is no way he is moving into my house and invading my peace!!! The lack of conversation, the lack of emotional connection, the weird weird weird behaviour, the lies and rudeness... I've had enough. I just wish he would accept this and move on, and that he would stop this performance.

-I worry about the kids. They are doing well, but I still worry about them and hope I've done the right thing.

So that's where I'm at. Thanks everyone here who had supported me so much. I couldn't have got this far without the support of this community.

[GettingOOTF]

I have been out for more than two years and coming home to a clean house never gets old.

I was also shocked at how much money I saved. Right now I’m at the point where I’m quitting my corporate job to do something much less stressful in an early semi retirement.  I’ll be moving somewhere warm and buying a nice place near the beach. Something I never could have done with my ex.

My life without my ex is so much better in countless ways.  During the height lockdown I was grateful every single day that I was not trapped with my him.  There is nothing I have today that I would give up to go back to him, even if he changed. For the record he has not changed. He’s pulling the same stuff with his new GF as he did with me. I happened across a photo of her and she’s gained all the weight I lost and had the exact same miserable expression on her face that I did when I was with him. I remember what he was like taking photos of me and I swear it could have been me in that photo.

You are doing the right thing.  Stay strong.

[Boat Babe]

Hello uncagedbirdsinging. Well done for making it to two months. Your life will just get better from here on in.

Don't for a second worry that your kids will suffer for leaving their PD dad. The life you already have is so much healthier for them and you are modelling resilience and courage and love. Go you.

A little story. About two months after I left uPDbf, I ran into him in town, got hoovered and spent the weekend with him.  He ran the whole PD abuse cycle of the relationship in two days. It was a nightmare weekend by the Sunday.  I am actually glad it happened as it totally confirmed my understanding of him and his behaviour. After that weekend, I never looked back.

You sound like you have the beginnings of a wonderful life. Cherish your freedom 😊❤️

[The Hidden Lady]

What a wonderful update!  It's updates like these that remind me of what all the stress and worry is really for, for that sense of peace in knowing when I walk in the door to home that it will just be me and no extra drama.  they never do change, in spite of you wishing they could and no matter how much they try to convince you they can. If they could have, why did they wait until you left to do so, why not when you ask/begged for the change?

[PAY]

Congratulations! And wow. Like reading cautionary parts of my story. I'm 1 month out. Enjoying the peace for sure. Not missing uPDStxh. However, he is doing that back and forth craziness with me. Now he's suggesting we go away somewhere for weekend intensives couples therapy. I keep saying no.
Every time I go over there to pick up mail, he starts "lecturing" me. Honestly, that's what drove me out. So intense.

Hang in there! Thanks for sharing the good, bad and ugly. It's good to say it and get perspective from healthy others.

[2nice]

So happy for u!! Worth celebrating every day

I am at the stage where I've lost count of how long out!! Ummm 3 years 4 months!!

What can I tell u? Don't be fooled!!

He moved interstate and so it was 3 years with him off the scene. I got stronger.

Decided to move back to my house in another state for my kids. He moved back too. Diff house in next suburb.

So now the trick is me staying off his merry go round. Three and half yrs later he's doing same things! Blaming me for things, angry issues, no money, borrows money, up and down moods. I have no idea which person I'll see

Just shows u that they cycle this routine and don't feed it. Don't hook in. Step out or u go mad

[CagedBirdSinging]

Thanks so much for your replies. It has been a rollercoaster, but definitely so many positives.

I just wish he would accept that it is over and stop trying to Hoover me. I have had the 'break up talk' with him about 5 times now. It's not easy. I'm having to see him more than I would like because of supervised visitation, which I am hosting at my home due to lack of options caused by covid. But I'm learning to cope better with that, using the time to do housework and laundry etc, whilst keeping an eye on the kids and being here if they need me. It's always such a relief when he leaves.

Thanks again!

[Simon]

Well done on 2 months out.
It doesn't sound long to outsiders, but it's a real milestone.

You've gone through the period where it's at it's most raw, and you're still going, and in the blink of an eye it will be 6 months, and you'll see things so much clearer, so keep going.
It's worth it.

One thing I'm very grateful for is the fact that I was discarded, rather than me discarding her, because I see so many examples on here of PD partners refusing to let go, and almost resorting to stalking behaviour.
Luckily, because my ex BPD girlfriend was monkey-branching onto someone else, I didn't have to put up with any of that.
What does concern me is that after she spent a year with him, I've heard that they have broken up and got back together 3 times, that she talks about him behind his back (sound familiar?), and that it's about to end and that she has become very overtly flirty with people recently, and that it might mean I'm about to get a hoover.
I'm not worried about that, as I would never go back, but as 2nice says, the trick is to stay off her merry-go-round, because who wants to be involved in all that toxicity and lies, and I live quite close to her.

So keep going cagedbird.
Stay minimal contact, communicate via Email only, so that you can be controlled and less emotional in your responses, and in your own time (phone texts demand your attention immediately, so block him there).
It's so easy to want to keep some extra channels of communication open, but really all you need is one Email address open to them.
Set that boundary, and let them know that it's not open to negotiation.
If you find yourself making excuses to keep other channels open, then maybe it's time to look at the possibility that you want the hoovers to continue, as some sort of validation or your way of getting revenge on them by continually rejecting them.

Good luck, and stay strong! 

[GentleSoul]

Thanks for the sharing in this thread.  It has helped me. 

Not exactly the same but my uPD husband died 5 weeks ago and I am adjusting. 

Good to hear about people's experiences.  I relate to such a lot of them.

[CagedBirdSinging]

Thanks for the sharing in this thread.  It has helped me. 

Not exactly the same but my uPD husband died 5 weeks ago and I am adjusting. 

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine, the mixed feelings, the rollercoaster. It must be very hard, in that it's not a 'normal' loss. I used to wonder how I would feel if pdH passed. The only feeling I could envision was relief. Then I felt terrible for feeling that way about my husband. It's very hard. I hope you're taking time out for your self and taking it easy.

[GentleSoul]

Thanks for the sharing in this thread.  It has helped me. 

Not exactly the same but my uPD husband died 5 weeks ago and I am adjusting. 

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine, the mixed feelings, the rollercoaster. It must be very hard, in that it's not a 'normal' loss. I used to wonder how I would feel if pdH passed. The only feeling I could envision was relief. Then I felt terrible for feeling that way about my husband. It's very hard. I hope you're taking time out for your self and taking it easy.

Thank you for your reply.  I agree it is not a simple loss.  Not straight forward grief at all.   

I had thought I would just feel relief when he passed but it has been far more complex than that.  A lot of this behaviours towards me have come crashing up in my face.   I have had to feel the pain so they can be released from my body.

I think a lot was kept in at the time it was going on.  Now it is safe to let it up and out. So it is happening on its own. 

I think it is likely to be like a ptsd thing I am going through rather than grief.

As part of the help I have had for myself, I work the Al-anon program.  My late husband was alcoholic as well as goodness know what PD issues, anyway thing is they say that it is perfectly usual and "normal" to think about the person dying.  It is does not mean we are terrible people.  So please try to not to feel badly about yourself.

[CagedBirdSinging]

Thanks Gentle Soul. Again, I am so sorry. My thoughts are with you.

It's been getting harder to stay strong. He has been ramping up the dramatics. He is unwell (nothing life threatening, but serious enough) and he will have trouble supporting himself financially on his salary. The guilt and obligation I feel is crippling. I feel I cannot leave this man sick and destitute. He has no family or friends anywhere nearby.

I just don't know what to do. If I go back, I will worry about his behaviour and how he might damage the kids. If we separate, he will tell my kids that I left him dying and penniless. What will they think, hearing that?!

I love the peace though. I love him not being here. When we lived together, I used to love it when he went out to the shop for ten minutes. Even when he had a shower. Peace, just for a few minutes. The relief.

But I don't know. I don't know what to do. I feel very lost and alone right now.

[Rose1]

He will say that anyway. Exbpdh fell on his feet in many ways, financially survived by not paying child support.
I learned he always finds someone to take care of him mostly by his sob stories.
He seems to feel no sense of obligation to anyone and its me first.
Does your ex show any compassion for your situation as a single parent? Has he made any offers to look after your needs? Or is it just me me me and your financial support etc etc?
You're still in fog at this stage so be very careful about this,  its often worse because they know what it takes to have you give in. In fact giving in and not taking a hard line,  stubborn and digging  heels in were all terms used to me by ex and his ubpd mother.
Nowhere was there any discussion about support for me or my children.
I would suggest you keep strong and give it more time

[Rose1]

adding, exbpds doctor told me that things will ramp up as they don't get their way and get worse before it gets better. That they use this method because the usual stuff has stopped working so just pile it on.

[GettingOOTF]

adding, exbpds doctor told me that things will ramp up as they don't get their way and get worse before it gets better. That they use this method because the usual stuff has stopped working so just pile it on.

This is exactly what happened to me. I went back a couple of times. Each time it was harder to leave and the punishment for having left was worse. They do not change. It does not get better.  Now I am grateful every single day that I left and stayed left.

My ex was so pitiful when I left. Told people all kinds of untrue things about me. They all follow the same script. Today he's doing just fine. I saw a photo of his girlfriend. She's gained all the weight I lost and she had the same miserable expression on her face that I had in all the photos he took of me.

[Boat Babe]

YOU. HAVE. NO. OBLIGATION. TO. THIS. MAN. WHO. HAS. ABUSED. YOU.

[GettingOOTF]

I think what gets lost in these relationships is that the other person is an adult. If they are sick they can take themselves to the doctor. If they have no money they can get a job. If they are addicted there are countless free and paid programs for them to work. If they are suffering mentally there are tons of free and paid programs for them to work. We all have agency and we all have choice.

I fell in to this trap with my ex. He simply don't want to change. He liked his life the way it was. He could have got a job, worked his therapy, got in shape and a million other things. Instead he cultivated pity in those around him and in me in particular. I look back and I find it shocking that I thought it was ok for a physically capable man with a degree from a top school to sit around all day not earning money, not making his own dental appointments, gaining weight to the  point it impacted his daily life, eating food his doctor told him not to. Etc. etc.

I paid for a therapist, a psychiatrist and a ton of top programs for him. I paid for him to take career development classes with leading industry people.  I paid for him to live with luxuries he insisted he needed but didn't work for. It's a tough pill to swallow but he made the life he did and so did I. I finally chose to leave and to stay left. 

I went back over and over. I cannot stress this enough: they do not change and the abuse only escalates. It is the single thing that all experts in this area agree on. We are free to make our own choices. Many women go back. It's certainly an option, but don't go back expecting things to have changed.

Staying left was the hardest thing I've ever done. It felt like every second was a battle, that life would never be good. Today I don't recognize the person I was. Leaving was the best thing I have ever done for myself.

[Boat Babe]

 

[BeautifulCrazy]

This is why it is called FOG

Fear.

Obligation.

Guilt.

Often, getting out is two steps forward, one step back.
KEEP MOVING FORWARD ROSE!!
You are doing so well!!
 

[BeautifulCrazy]

 
What I meant to type:

This is why it is called FOG

Fear.

Obligation.

Guilt.

I totally agree with you Rose!

Often, getting out is two steps forward, one step back.
KEEP MOVING FORWARD CAGEDBIRD!!
You are doing so well!!
 


~BC