Recommended by my therapist. First timer.

[InCrisis70+]

Good afternoon and welcome to my world.  How can a retired and highly decorated USAF pilot with a PhD in Homeland Security be so screwed up that he needs a therapist?  I think I am preaching to the proverbial choir.  After many years of therapy and lots of pills, it has come to my attention that I must have a personality disorder.  Wow...me?  I am firmly entangled within a vicious web of depression, sadness, anger, hopelessness, and little self worth. The cycle has been both continuous and strengthening despite drugs and talk therapy.

This "disorder" now threatens my third marriage. I am hoping that this forum can help me out of my fog. Now, some background.

I was sexually abused as a young boy, called "s**t-for-brains by a loveless father, and lost my 20- year-old daughter to leukemia.  My big brother was killed in Vietnam in 1969 when I was 18 and I was deployed to several war zones in the Middle East and Africa.  I have witnessed death in the Somali refugee camps and  was responsible for the personal safety of 800+ people every day. 

My first wife and I had one child, a girl with a very serious blood disorder.  While deployed for a year overseas, my wife sold my house and all of my belongings and ran off with a fellow Pilot. Due to my daughters illness, I quickly retired and went from being the man in charge of a dream job to an unemployed homeless veteran in my home town.  Although I found work, I was always feeling like a failure. I started a business venture and my second wife ran off with a millionaire customer.   My third wife is a brilliant and successful doctor who makes more money than God. I get a meager military retirement stipend.  Our friends all own yachts, multiple homes, hot cars, and spend money like crazy.  I just can't keep up and it makes me feel more inadequate.   Thinking I had a solution, I worked hard, spent $76,000 of borrowed money and got a PhD so that I  could feel less inferior among my wife's family and friends.  That didn't work. My depression escalated and I began to blame my wife for everything. I have been suicidal at times and my wife has been supportive but not much help. She says things like, "Why can't you just be happy?" 

As most of you probably know, it's not that easy.  I wear the paper smile mask when in public, but I am very unhappy inside and at home. Well, that gets me started, thanks for reading.

[Penny Lane]

Hi and welcome. I'm glad you found us and I hope you will find the support that you're looking for.

I do want to make sure you know that Out of the FOG is a community dedicated to offering support and information to people who have a loved one or family member who suffers from a personality disorder. That doesn't necessarily exclude those who also have a PD from participating but the rule is we come here to discuss our relationship issues as they pertain to the other people in our lives with a PD, and not PD recovery issues as they pertain to the self. If you suffer from, or suspect you suffer from a personality disorder, we welcome your participation as long as the discussion still revolves around dealing with the loved ones in your life with a PD and not on your own recovery from a PD.   

Also, we'd like you to be aware that people at a site like this are often hurting a great deal.  They come here needing a safe place to vent about how they may have been hurt by the person in their life with a PD.  At times, these comments can be harsh. Reading them may trigger you, if you are not far enough along in your own recovery to let these comments pass without becoming upset or attempting to speak on behalf of others with personality disorders.

I am sorry that you are having such a tough time right now. Again, I hope you find the support that you're looking for. You deserve happiness and healing!