random stuff

[losingmyself]

Yesterday was the fifth anniversary of my dear sweet mother's death. It was also a reminder of the the same time that my DD went into the hospital for harming herself, and ultimately my two kids left to stay with their F full time, and I was almost numb, I was in so much pain. Then, to top it off, I still didn't kick BPDH out, I just got up in the morning and went bed at night, almost like a zombie. Needless to say, yesterday sucked, and I still hurt, grief, regret, all those fun things a person feels when they totally mess up everyone's lives.                                 
Different topic, last week H had a physical therapy appt for his back. I was working, and thought that a 50 year old man could go see his doctor by himself. And then to top things off, my DD called me and I talked to her while I was working, and oh yeah, the final offense, I wasn't really busy. So, as a punishment, I may not ask about his back, the therapy, what he said or anything related to it because I don't care about him or his back. Because I didn't accompany my 8 year old husband to the doctor. My confession, I went with him today.  Just to end the friggin pouting.
when I woke him this morning, I said that I'd go with him, and he said "no!" I said no, I'm going to go with you, and he said again that he didn't want me to go. So, fine, I won't go.  When I ask him what he's going to drive, 15 minutes before his appointment he says "aren't you coming with me?"  Seriously. I know all the 100 hundred things I should have said and done but, I just got ready and we went.
Another different topic, I deposited my whole check last week, didn't keep any out for him, and now he tells people that I "Won't allow him to have any money", like I'm some kind of Ogre.
I've had a rough couple of weeks. I put this all down in my journal, so that's good.
I guess I don't know what I could do besides go with him this morning, because he was going to keep being angry, and telling me that I don't care, etc.  I just wanted it to stop.  I know I should let him pout, and he'll get over it, but I have to live there, and I'm just tired.
I really don't want to hurt any more... I have enough crap to hurt about, I guess I'm just feeling weak.
Sorry for the rambling.........

[11JB68]

Some days the best we can do is get through it and minimize the drama.
My Updh does some similar poor me/guilt tripping and it is so hard to deal with sometimes.