What does disregulation look like?

[Associate of Daniel]

I've seen it in children.  It can manifest in a variety of ways - tantrums, extreme animation, shutting down, etc.

But I'm not sure about adults.  I guess the same as the above but perhaps there are other behaviours?

I ask because my uNPD exH sometimes goes nonsensical on very normal, everyday matters.

Eg of the moment:

Ds14 wants to start catching public transport between our respective houses instead of the usual sitting in virtually non moving traffic for an hour and a half to get there.

UNPD exH agrees and so do I.

I've agreed to all of uNPD's suggestions regarding the finer detail of situation.

But he's now saying that he's not going to allow ds to catch public transport until I've "discussed" the situation with him.  Apparantly I'm not "co parenting".

There's nothing to discuss.  We're all in agreement.  Let's get on with it.

I don't J.A.D.E. with uNPD exH.  It gets us nowhere.  He just takes what I say and uses it against me - and ultimately, ds.

I suspect he's now going to refuse to allow ds to use public transport, even though we're all agreed and it's a very normal thing for school children to do.

I sometimes wonder if there are things that go on uNPD exH's life that I'm completely unaware of and not involved in, that he can't cope with, so he takes everything out on me.

Anyway, can anyone describe some adult disregulatory behaviours?  Would the above be one of them?

AOD

[11JB68]

Oh, my Updh has lots of this! I'll have to put some thought in and reply later

[SparkStillLit]

WELL, I had this whole thing typed out!!!! Ugh!
Self isolation.
Blowing up over exactly nothing. Honestly. Nothing. He will ask me something, and blow a gasket over my perfectly ordinary response. Like he just needed me to *speak* so he could blow.
Tantrums, yep. Shutting down, yep.
Off the wall ragey non sequiturs.
Hair trigger. Breathe funny and he's off to the races.
Physical manifestations, or at least complaints thereof.
Giant uptick in drinking.

[square]

I've considered dysregulation to be an inability to manage emotions to the level expected of a typical adult.

I suppose all PD behaviors might be labelled dysregulation but I consider manipulative behaviors to be secondary. It can sometimes be hard to tell the difference.

The way I see it, dysregulation can include:

Anger issues, meltdowns and tantrums - but not manufactured blowups designed to control others.

Avoidance issues, withdrawal due to inability to cope - but not silent treatment or other punishing behaviors.

Agree sustance use seems to be a way to try to cope with dusregulation.

The thing about public transport sounds secondary to me, a behavior he is choosing for some reason to meet some goal (dunno what) rather than primary inability to manage emotions.

Imho.

[JustKeepTrying]

I think square described it well.

I could almost see it happened with my xOCPDh.  I would step and do whatever he needed done just to avoid the meltdown - it was like his eyes would grow hard, dark and cold - you could almost see it happen.  His face closed. 

And then boom.  It would be a complete tantrum, meltdown or even a walkaway in cold shoulder.  However he responded, it was because he couldn't handle whatever was happening emotionally.  And there were times it was simple things - other times massive.  Mostly, issues he reacted too with that disregulation were problems created by his lack of response or action.  The boxes fell because you stacked them that way kind of thing.

My ds19 (high school senior) wanted to attend school in person.  He knew my position - if he goes in person then he can't stay here during the pandemic (I have stage iv cancer.). My son had a well thought proposal to stay with my ex and check in with me hourly - this was only be a problem during those times my ex traveled.  As I clearly stated my opinion, listed my concerns - ds had reasonable counter proposals.  During this entire exchange that was remarkably well thought out on my ds part - my ex devolved before me.  When I stayed silent and didn't speak for my ex - he exploded and threw my son out of the house.  It was a complete overreaction.    I used medium chill for the whole time and I felt that conversation was fine.  He blew up and threw books at ds. 

I hope this helps.  I hope that your son gains the independent skills he would learn on public transport.  Hugs to you.

[Wilderhearts]

In my mind, the behaviours we see (sulking, raging, shutting down, manipulating – whether calculated or not) are the symptoms of dysregualtion, which is more the inner emotional experience.  So a pwPD is experiencing dysregulation any time we see these typical "PD'd" behaviours.

This is generally how they manage emotions they have no idea how to process or experience in a healthy way.

I think if someone is being calculatedly manipulative, they're still in a state of dissociation and functioning from that "lizard brain" of survival place.  Watch them go from cold and calculated to enraged and out of control if their calculations backfire - that to me is an indication they were already in an extremely dysregulated state to begin with.

[GentleSoul]

it was like his eyes would grow hard, dark and cold - you could almost see it happen.  His face closed.   

This is exactly what happened with my late uPD husband.  it was disturbing to see it happen.  The eyes were most striking.   Also his face somehow got thinner looking,  Sort of pinched.  His nose changed shape too.  Became thinner too. 

Then the meltdown would start.   

[Fairy Lights]

I could almost see it happened with my xOCPDh.  I would step and do whatever he needed done just to avoid the meltdown - it was like his eyes would grow hard, dark and cold - you could almost see it happen.  His face closed. 

And then boom.  It would be a complete tantrum, meltdown or even a walkaway in cold shoulder.  However he responded, it was because he couldn't handle whatever was happening emotionally.  And there were times it was simple things - other times massive.  Mostly, issues he reacted too with that disregulation were problems created by his lack of response or action.  The boxes fell because you stacked them that way kind of thing.

This describes my dad too. Growing up, we walked on egg shells around dad. And yes, I could see something change in dad too, subtle changes - his eyes, face, body. There was no way to communicate with dad when he was like that. And yes, his blow ups/rages were often created by his lack of response or action. Followed by silent treatment. But sometimes it was caused by external things.

I'm sorry you experienced that too, JustKeepTrying <3

[SparkStillLit]

I'm not looking at faces (weird that I don't do that, but I don't like to. I especially don't like to if you are either strange to me, or I expect ugliness from you). I do look at the body overall, though, and updh has a way of carrying himself when he's got his mind set for a rage or a tantrum of some kind. It' a kind of tight, jerky way of moving, rigid-like. Like he's barely holding the rage in. The big tell is that he won't turn his head in my direction at all.