How to get past that feeling of betrayal

[engineer31]

It's been awhile since I posted.  I've been NC with my IL's since right before Halloween last year. Only once did I break my boundary and send a photo of my kids to my MIL and SIL about 3 months ago. I feel like I was doing well, I definitely made the right choice not talking to them anymore and standing up to them and the gaslighting, blame shifting, and triangulation. I'm happy my husband finally saw and understood what they were doing, and as much as it killed me, his mom started talking to him the same way she would talk to me, after I told her to stop messaging me. I continued in therapy once a week to process everything and my T finally told me she thought i was ready to not have to schedule appts anymore. I felt the same way. I was happy. I was focusing on what mattered in my life and the people that actually mattered. I didn't feel like I was dwelling on them anymore and all the terrible things they have said and done.

This week has been hard though. My H was also NC with them for awhile, and after realizing that they're not going to change we decided to put up some boundaries. He recently expressed to me that he's upset because no one in his family has reached out to him. He feels like they're ignoring him. etc. I know he wants to continue to have a relationship with them, and I thought i would be ok with it, but now that he's actually messaging them (sparingly), that feeling of betrayal is coming back. I keep asking myself "how is everyone just acting like nothing happened? like I'm the problem?" The memory I keep coming back to is when he was talking to his Dad and H told his dad that we probably wouldn't be visiting for Christmas unless things got resolved. Then, FIL actually asked if him and MIL flew out if he would bring the kids to visit them WITHOUT me! DH said no, but I can't wrap my head around the fact that he ACTUALLY asked that. I can't seem to get past this. Every time H tells me he messaged his M or D (and they have a "normal" conversation), I think "how can you talk to them after they have treated me/us this way?" DH and I are getting better, and I've processed a lot with my T, but the more time goes on, it's like everyone is just starting to go back to "normal". I hate it. I hate that these people are so manipulative. I plan on keeping my boundaries with NC. IF they message me, ignore. If they come out for our kids birthdays (Medium Chill, probably, though  I haven't actually tried this), but they 100% won't be greeted with a smile and a hug like usual. I just don't know what to do to look past the feeling of betrayal when DH talks to them (because that's what they want). I don't want to start resenting DH again.

[xredshoesx]

it must be the holidays or SPRING springing because we are about to have similar issues with my MIL because she got mad about something i posted on facebook......   she has it in her head that her living children are supposed to support her in her old age and we've had a long standing disagreement for years because i put my foot down and said she wasn't living in my home rent free..... the comment i made was about not having kids at 40+ because both the husband and i got put into caretaker roles as young adults (he his younger siblings, me my grandmother) and  i didn't want my kid to be put into that kind of servitude.  OOOOOOOHHHHH weee i am so glad we are on lockdown still because it would of been an ICY easter dinner....

in our situation i pretty much let my DH deal with his mother.  he has 4 living siblings, 3 of who are in contact with him, and they pretty much handle her as a team now which has taken a lot of the pressure off me to help him DEAL with her.  i would be highly offended if he got invited to visit tho and i wasn't included so i am 100 with you on that- totally unacceptable.   when my husband shares with me i may offer advice on what i would do/ wouldn't do but for the most part that stays between the siblings and myself and my SIL are kind of secondary to the drama now.  i support him but do not engage directly with it at this point after 12 years of it.  it makes it easier  on me and it doesn't let her situation rent extra space in my head.

from what you shared it sounds like when your DH engages with them he brings the emotional hurt back to when he shares with you and it's understandable that you don't want that extra weight.  it sounds like your husband has a peacekeeper role -which is very difficult as you stated it requires some selective forgetting about past treatment- some things can't just be swept under a rug and forgiven so easily.   would setting a boundary with him help- for example he has these talks with his parents, but your boundary is he can't come to you to solve the problems created by him speaking with them because that's what's hurting you the most- that he has to be on his own navigating this or find a 3rd party other than you to debrief it with?

he said no on the visit  over the holidays with the kids but without you.  that's HUGE but it doesn't fix that betrayal feeling .  i know for me I really wanted a good relationship with my MIL because i don't have my own mother in my life  so i have to use the concept of radical acceptance  with her because she is a part of our life still and know that she can't be that for me and to take her as she is thorns and all.   that helped a lot with the bad feelings i was having after our interactions a lot too.

best of luck to you and keep us posted on how it goes- it's been a lot of one step forward, two steps back but we are still inching forward. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

I hear you. For a long time the kids and I were NC with the IL's, and DH was still in contact. Technically that is still true, but DH has since majorly disengaged. Any time I became aware they had contact, I'd be furious. As you say, it felt like a betrayal. How could he want people in his life who would treat his wife like that? And talk to them about normal stuff and not be angry with them?

I still don't understand how that cognitive dissonance could have been present in such a huge degree. The IL's overplayed their hand though, and DH refused to pressure me into talking to them. So now the elephant in the room can no longer be swept under the rug, to mix metaphors dreadfully.

I think it's important to address your boundaries and rules of engagement, though. NC for you, okay. But if you can expect them to turn up for your kids' birthdays... well that boundary is set to be busted. MC might get you through the moment but it seems unsustainable. Boundaries need to be enforceable. I think it's unacceptable for anyone I want nothing to do with to be at my home for any reason. We worked this out with my T, but our rules of engagement were that if I was NC, so were the kids. For many reasons, but most of all for their protection. They'd been subject to majorly manipulative behavior in the past, and the probability of that not happening when I wasn't there to run interference was zero. We had a "path to peace," so to speak that we worked out with T and DH communicated, but they chose to continue doing what they were doing. So if nothing changes nothing changes.

One of our governing principles is "One no, two yes." In other words we both have veto power. If either of us are a no for having a guest, something the kids want, a major purchase, whatever, it's a no. We don't abuse the veto, only when it's truly important to us. We generally do try to accommodate each other's wishes. Both raised to be people pleasers here. I couldn't stop DH from being in communication with his parents, nor did I wish to force him. But I could and I had the duty to protect myself, my children, and my space from those who would only abuse the PRIVILEGE of being there.

It was easier for us because our kids are young, the IL's are a plane ride away, and the kids had barely any relationship with them anyway. Best wishes and I hope this helped.

[engineer31]

Thank you both for your help. After this past weekend I fully intend on letting DH know that I don't want them around. I can't keep allowing them in my life to triangulate us, gaslight, play victim and all the other crazy making things they do. We had "agreed" before that we wouldn't put the children in the middle, meaning we would allow them to see the kids if they wanted, send them pics, give the kids any gifts they send, but I honestly can't do it anymore. The amount of disrespect they have for me and our marriage is insane and the way I see it, NO ONE should be allowed to be in our kids lives that treat us this way. I'm not going around telling my kids everything my ILs do, because they don't need to know, but I don't think it's ok for them to think it's their RIGHT to be in our kids lives. I really thought after 6 months of NC with MIL that she could reply like a "normal" person when I sent her a text saying that the kids enjoyed the Easter box they sent and that I hoped everyone enjoyed the cookies I mailed. However, it led to her baiting me like usual, me falling for it, and DH getting a text from FIL saying that MIL wasn't trying to offend me. 6 months ago I had blocked his whole family on FB and any other social medias, but left it available on my phone to essentially "leave the line of communication open" in case they had a change of heart (i guess?). However, after what happened last night I have blocked my MIL and FIL on my phone as well so there will be no lines of communication open between me and them. I told my DH this, which upsets me because I was hopeful after 6 months of NC, MAYBE things would have "simmered down" but that proved to be false. I am hurting for DH because I wasn't going to tell him any of this happened because he's full-time student, in the middle of multiple exams due this week, and this is so stressful. Then, to top it off, my best friend decided to screenshot and send to me what my MIL posted on FB after our conversation. It was a pic of MIL, FIL and all of the other grandkids with a caption of Easter 2021. Hopefully one of these days we will have all 7 of them together. I know she didn't mean any harm because she didn't know we just had a terrible encounter, but I know MIL posted that caption because she wants DH to see it and guilt trip him. I'm at a loss today.

[tragedy or hope]

I appreciate your plight engineer 31,
thank you for coming to the forum to sort things out. The feelings of betrayal are so familiar to me because of IL's and my experiences are many. You seem to have DH who does try to put you and the kids first.

My IL's have been insulting about my family background and IMO have said things that I consider prejudice and disrespectful. MY unpdh was not in the room when it happened. Though I told him about it and I wanted to throw them out of my house... I did not because he was not in the room when the comments were made. I kiind of froze because they were kind of chatting with each other, and it was not directed toward me nor did they know it was part of my background.

I don't want or need people like that in my life. I find them disgusting.

unpdh kind of shrugs his shoulders and laughs and says they are ignorant but still contacts his dad at least once a week. He has said nothing to his dad's 4th extended family (he can't seem to keep a wife long) who were the ones to make the comments. Perhaps it is because neither one of us consider them family.

However they were at my house and they did say those things. Though neither his dad or my unpdh was in the room, I am still uneasy because his father is the same. It is really a sick twisted group who keeps trying to find ways to elbow into our life.

In the past they as much as said they did not think I loved  my DH because they judge everyone by their standard. Their standard would be that they come in and out of my house at will. To them that proves my love for my DH because they are N's also and if it isn't about them or their offspring... it is not right.

I see I am rambling. I am comforted to know that feelings of betrayal for this kind of stuff is not uncommon.

[Call Me Cordelia]

After this past weekend I fully intend on letting DH know that I don't want them around. I can't keep allowing them in my life to triangulate us, gaslight, play victim and all the other crazy making things they do. We had "agreed" before that we wouldn't put the children in the middle, meaning we would allow them to see the kids if they wanted, send them pics, give the kids any gifts they send, but I honestly can't do it anymore. The amount of disrespect they have for me and our marriage is insane and the way I see it, NO ONE should be allowed to be in our kids lives that treat us this way. I'm not going around telling my kids everything my ILs do, because they don't need to know, but I don't think it's ok for them to think it's their RIGHT to be in our kids lives.

Right on, children should not have to witness anyone disrespecting their parents. THAT is what's putting the children "in the middle." You have been fostering a relationship and encouraging intimacy with people who, at the end of the day, cannot be trusted. Your motives were kind, and it takes a real brain shift to not do something as normal as allow gifts from grandparents. You are now keeping them out of the middle by removing them from the field of battle.

All4Peace had a principle that has stuck with me: "We do not allow anyone to divide our family into loved and unloved parts." "Our family" being you, DH, and kids. And one of mine I've adopted for when the guilt of cutting out the grandparents comes around is, "Too toxic for me, too toxic for a child."

That little Facebook manipulation  and that she couldn't resist the opportunity to bait you tells me that your ILs are not going to respect you. If you stayed away that long, you have given them ample opportunity to reflect on what behavior it might behoove them to change. Sometimes it takes many many go-rounds before we really finally get it, and it's generally harder for our spouses, whose FOOs we're dealing with.

Sticking with my logic brain in dealing with my DH and his reactions to his parents has been much more helpful than any emotional response, even though I have learned to listen to my own feelings. He doesn't know how to deal with feelings. Reasons and principles in making decisions like this, we can work with. If I'm visibly upset he tends to shut down on me. Your mileage may vary, but it seems to be a fairly common pattern around here. Good luck!