Doing All the Things

[Lauren17]

I'm doing all the things.
Taking deep breaths throughout the day.
Saying kind things to myself before bed.
Seeing a therapist, doing the homework.
Some sort of exercise most days.
Journaling.
And there I was, fighting off sobbing while at the grocery store.
Maybe all the things help, but they don't make the stress go away. I guess I'm discovering sometimes it's just really hard.
Or maybe I'm doing all the things wrong?
What have you learned about this, my Out of the FOG friends?

[SparkStillLit]

I don't thing you're doing it wrong at all. You're just under tremendous stress, and it DOES bust out from time to time.
It doesn't make it gone, just makes it tolerable.
Take it easy on yoù. It was a wild day for inside you.

We are all different and respond differently, and of course I'm still in for however long, but my body keeps score in weird ways. Like now the ankle that I high grade sprained last year is REALLY hurting me. Just out of the clear blue sky. Stress is bursting out right there, it's a weak point. Even though I am also Doing All The Things and also on meds. I'm thinking it's a wild couple weeks in there, so I'm taking it easy. It's a warning.

[BeautifulCrazy]

Dear Lauren,
Sometimes you are doing everything right and you still hurt.
It's because you've been hurt.
It's okay to not be okay.
Grief. Anger. Exhaustion. Even self-pity. They will still come up, and they will still be awful. It is as you suspect: Doing all the things, and practicing all the skills will help you be more resilient but, unfortunately, you don't get to skip the hard stuff.
You don't get to pick when and where it floats to the top either. (Is there something with the grocery store, I wonder? It seems to be a place where my tears want to make a sudden exit too! )
What I have learned is to keep doing the things, and to be gentle with myself while I do them. Love yourself up like you are your own mama bear. If you have a friend or two that can assist in loving you through, ask them to.
Remember, you are going through things that are difficult for anyone, even without a PWPD.
It gets better and better, I promise!


~BC

[notrightinthehead]

When I find myself fighting off sobbing in a grocery store, I look for a quiet place a little bit away from everybody else and do my sobbing. Let the tears run. I usually go outside and put sunglasses on, people are not very observant, and they don't really care. Let the pain get out of you!

[Associate of Daniel]

I don't think there's a right or wrong way to self care.  It sometimes takes a while of experimentation to figure out what works for you. And then what works for you on one day may not be what you need on another day.

And the pain doesn't disappear when we practise self care.  But it does start to be put into perpective. 

Can I put another thought in here?  I think I touched on this a while ago in another thread somewhere and I'm still trying to organise my thoughts about it. It was sparked by a scene in the BBC series "Shetland".

One of the main characters was working through the trauma of having been attacked.  In the scene she lists all the things she had been doing to look after herself.  It wasn't really a self care list. It was more along the lines of her vigilently trying not to let what happened to her affect her choices. She was trying to live a normal life.  At the end of the scene she effectively says that by doing so, it was exhausting.

This really struck me.  Sometimes self care can be another burden, especially if we are still in the thick of the trauma. (Eg: still married to an abuser)

We definitely need to practise self care. But I wonder if we sometimes turn it into an unprofitable chore.  Eg: taking up jogging if we're not really interested. Or window shopping when all we really want to do on that day is curl up in bed at home.

But then it might just be a case of the constant questioning we can sometimes fall into - "Is this outing going to be good for me?", "Can I do this today, or should I leave it until another day when I might feel stronger?" "I'm desperate for chocolate but I really shouldn't eat it." Etc.

The vigilence of self care can become exhausting.  And then it maybe isn't really self care.

Please understand that I'm not criticizing or advising anyone here.  I fully agree that self care is of huge importance and that it looks different for everyone- and even different from day to day for each individual.

I'm just exploring the idea that it can be burdomsome at times. 

Lauren17, please dismiss what I've written with a grain of salt if it's not helpful.  I really hope you feel more on top of things soon.

I've had a few moments in shopping centres too. It's embarrassing.  What is it about those places?

AOD

[Lauren17]

Thank you, all, for your kind responses.
I took the weekend off of considering anything divorce related, didn't journal, didn't check Out of the FOG. I just read and rested and ate too much chocolate. And I stayed away from the grocery store.   
I think I had tricked myself into thinking that Doing all the Things, would make me not angry, sad and weepy.
AOD, what you said really resonates, sometimes, this self care thing feels like a chore.
Spark, I'm very sorry the stress is busting out of your ankle. I appreciate that image though.
Noteightinthehead, you've tapped into one of my biggest problems. I've trained myself not to cry (uBPDh reacts badly to tears). Pre-covid, I was actively working on letting that pain out. Quarantine has made that harder and I'm back to stifling those tears.
I'm going to offer up the suggestion that produce seems naturally compassionate and that's why we all cry there?

[SparkStillLit]

If I didn't have outside to cry in, I might cry in the produce aisle too.
It hits me at work sites, but maybe because I'm alone and "safe".

[Spring Butterfly]

What helped me most was doing the internal healing. I could do all the external things but still wasn't feeling it until I clear it away the internal stuff, the negative self talk, the ruminating, Limiting Beliefs. The external stuff is a good place to start and then the internal work would be the next step. I'm all for empowered growth and continuous growth. I often use the idea of a palm plant because the illustration of an onion doesn't cut it for me. Yes there's layers but in the middle of an onion is nothing. A palm plant continues to grow, there's continuous growth of new leaves, the new leaves come out as a single spike and then open up into a beautiful palm frond. In the meantime the plant has to shed the external layers, what no longer serves the plant and growth. That's why I like that illustration and the internal work is where it's at for me.