Is this kind of crisis common??

[Dollydrops]

My 'friend' has been distant for a few months and I've found it hard because I was his favourite person for a very long time. Put on that pedestal and then, I thought devalued quite suddenly. He had some issues which he'd found hard to deal with but I'd always been the one with whom he confided, not least his marriage which was always about to end. Family fallout. Sickness, you name it he's had it, for all the time I've known him. Most recently he's on the brink of losing his employment, he says because of an incident which I won't post but it seems all related to everything mounting up on him to a point where he couldn't manage his anger or emotions. Not the first time but never this bad, and I know he has a problem with authority as well although he would deny it.  What i find unusual is that with all this happening he still runs his everyday life to the minute by minute routine, doesn't seem to grasp the seriousness of it and is oblivious as to why he's being blamed for it. I appear to be the one thing in all his confusion that he's put on hold amongst it all despite being told I'm the only important thing in his life which is confusing.  Is this kind of episode common for people with BPD and are they able to deal with one thing at a time when in crisis?

[SparkStillLit]

Constant crisis, and blaming everything on someone or something else. If you look back, you'll notice THEY are the common denominator in every "crisis".
They cannot be still or calm or quiet. They MUST manufacture some sort of chaos. Every time things go calm, you will notice they quit a job, they get "sick", they stir up a huge blow up, SOMETHING.

[Cat of the Canals]

What i find unusual is that with all this happening he still runs his everyday life to the minute by minute routine, doesn't seem to grasp the seriousness of it and is oblivious as to why he's being blamed for it.

I knew someone with BPD traits who much preferred complaining and blaming than doing anything to better his situation while in the middle of the crisis. In fact, he seemed to want to believe that the fact that he was in the crisis was proof that he couldn't possible deal with the crisis... as nonsensical as it sounds.

So if he was put in the scenario of your friend, it would look something like this:

PD: This is unbelievable. I can't believe I'm going to lose my job. This is so unfair. I don't know why these things keep happening to me, it's like the universe is out to get me.
Me: Well that's really unfortunate that you're in this scenario. It seems like what you need to do now is to start preparing for the inevitable. Whether that means looking into unemployment, trying to find a new job, etc.
PD: Are you crazy? I can't think about that stuff right now! I'm about to lose my job!

[Dollydrops]

Yes it brings to mind a few things I'd forgotten about that he said was going to do, things I asked him not to. One time he said he was going to visit me at my employment on the pretext of returning something he'd held on to when he left (two years prior). He'd caused a lot of upset and rivalry between another woman and myself there so I explained he ought not to as it would stir things up again. A few days later he arrived, took a lot of verbal abuse from her at the door  and then later told me he'd 'just called in to see me on the off chance but couldn't speak because OW was awful to him and he couldn't stay to be abused and was aghast as he didn't know why or deserve it'!

[moglow]

Crisis manufacture, yes. Too common I believe. My best guess is some dont understand a life without drama, so any sign of "calm" means they're missing out/messing up. The little dramas distract from the big mess that's really there - can't see the forest for the trees, ya know.

[Boat Babe]

Dollydrops my dear, you are still focussing on him. What's he doing? What's he thinking? Why is he saying/doing this/that?

Focus on YOU. What do you need right now? How can you meet your own needs? Where can you get support? (Here btw). What self care are you putting in place? What plans have you got in place to improve your life?

Big hugs to you as you deal with your difficulties.

[Dollydrops]

Hi Boatbabe,
Yes I am thinking of him, but rather than thinking of all the lovely bits I'm looking at the things he's done which I let pass, which felt off but I made excuses for. They're coming back to me now I'm on here, and helping me see with a clearer picture. Sharing those things is helping me bring them out and see them for what they really were. As for myself, I'm doing okay, booked a foreign holiday and on a strict fitness drive. I've also brought out a musical instrument that I always loved to play but put away when he took over my time. Things come back to me, but I pick up my Harmonica and play...Happy tunes.

[Boat Babe]

That is music to my ears DD.

[square]

Great post, BoatBabe. *I* needed it.