How do i stop the self blame?

[PinkButterfly]

How do you not blame yourself for someone who cheated on you? Even if this person was abusive and narcissistic?  It hurts when they think the grass is greener elsewhere after they've picked petty arguments with you. Pick fights and feel it's justified of what they make you out to be in their heads in that you are a piece of crap because you didn't help them pay $1500 in back child support to prevent a license suspension? Never married this person and  I have my own bills and if I'd asked him for this type of money and given him less than a week he probably would have blocked me or something. Just wish i could stop turning all this petty crap inward instead of toward him where the problem is. Even at the end of this relationship i still feel shitty.

[GettingOOTF]

The site Chump Lady deals with cheating and its aftermath. I strongly recommend it to anyone who has been cheated on. She also has a book called Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life.

She really helps you to flip the narrative around cheating.

[PinkButterfly]

The site Chump Lady deals with cheating and its aftermath. I strongly recommend it to anyone who has been cheated on. She also has a book called Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life.

She really helps you to flip the narrative around cheating.

Thanks for the info

[notrightinthehead]

Sounds like you have an internal conflict. In your mind you know that you are not responsible for his behaviour, yet in your heart you take the responsibility. This can sometimes happen when your heart wants to feel in control of a situation,  when you want to believe that you could have done something to prevent it.  So that the hurt can be avoided in future. (And it can - by making better choices with your love partner).
If your partner broke up with you because he could not manipulate you to pay his debts,  he showed great disrespect for you. You have the right to say NO. If he does not respect that, he does not respect you. If he cheated on you, he probably would have done it anyway, unless he tells you he did it for the money. And what does that tell you about him?
Maybe you could take a good, hard look at yourself and ask yourself why you don't want to be with him anymore.

[PinkButterfly]

Sounds like you have an internal conflict. In your mind you know that you are not responsible for his behaviour, yet in your heart you take the responsibility. This can sometimes happen when your heart wants to feel in control of a situation,  when you want to believe that you could have done something to prevent it.  So that the hurt can be avoided in future. (And it can - by making better choices with your love partner).
If your partner broke up with you because he could not manipulate you to pay his debts,  he showed great disrespect for you. You have the right to say NO. If he does not respect that, he does not respect you. If he cheated on you, he probably would have done it anyway, unless he tells you he did it for the money. And what does that tell you about him?
Maybe you could take a good, hard look at yourself and ask yourself why you don't want to be with him anymore.

The disrespect has been going on for a while. If i point it out or tell him he was wrong he will either deny he did anything, minimize the issue, or act like he doesn’t remember the situation. Example one of his friends made a disrespectful comment to me and he did nothing to address it. He said i should not let words bother me and thats how the man talks. So i said thats bs because this man is in his 60’s and he should look at me like a daughter. And does he go to the hospital when he gets his treatments and call the nurses out of there name or his daughters  like he did me  since you say thats how he talks!? I got silence. This was just one instance that he tried to pretend like it was no big deal.

[PinkButterfly]

On another note in December he said i was selfish and said he normally would not date women with no kids because we are selfish. Never mind the fact i can't have kids so that was a blow. But instead of apologizing he justified this statement because I didn't give him $1500 and because I didn't go to his house when he had covid. I called every day and texted him while he supposedly had covid. Only symptom he said he has was no taste and a month later he blames me for not stopping by because he was in severe pain. I said well this is the first i heard about pain because you never told me that. If i had covid im not sure I'd want someone to come over but he raked me over the coals for it.

[Boat Babe]

Hey Pink Butterfly. Can I suggest that you look on the Out of the FOG website and find the traits of personality disorders. Make a list of those that match this person's behaviour with you. Also, look up Trauma Bonds and Gaslighting.

Lastly, did you have difficulties with your family of origin? It is often, but not always, the case that if we have had Adverse Childhood Experiences with disordered family members in the mix then we are much more likely to end up with abusive people.

Sending hugs.

[1footouttadefog]

My thoughts echo the above post.  Get the list of traits and examine it for things you recognize in yourself, in others like your FOO and in your partner.

You might see patterns. Also look for things you might do I. Response to other things in the list. This could help identify things that are triggers for you.   Things that cause so much distress, or that the anticipation of them causes enough distress that you use coping mechanisms to avoid or to minimize them.

It seems that a lot of nons are groomed by the family system, or other aspects of there upbringing, to blame themselves for anything that causes bad feelings.

I stead of being taught that feeling bad is like pain and it's a signal that things are not right and something needs to change, they are taught they are not right and that they need to change.

This leaves people vulnerable to the manipulations of pd people.  Of course few are entirely vulnerable, and many function from a place of strength away from pd people, but weaknesses exist that are often pinpointed and exploited by narcs and others with pds.

I hope you find yourself on a path Out of the FOG and to your best possible life soon.

[PinkButterfly]

Hey Pink Butterfly. Can I suggest that you look on the Out of the FOG website and find the traits of personality disorders. Make a list of those that match this person's behaviour with you. Also, look up Trauma Bonds and Gaslighting.

Lastly, did you have difficulties with your family of origin? It is often, but not always, the case that if we have had Adverse Childhood Experiences with disordered family members in the mix then we are much more likely to end up with abusive people.

Sending hugs.

Yes, my mom was very mean to me and said awful things to me as a child. " I specifically remember her being emotionally absent and her saying things like "i wish i had another little girl" she said this when i was about 10 and she used to say "one day something bad is gonna happen to you" so with all the bad abusive relationships i've had what she said came true!

[Boat Babe]

Here's a massive hug for inner, little Pink Butterfly.