We moved but the games continue

[D.Dan]

I can't get into too much detail but it took awhile to move because one of my autistic children was reacting very badly to the move.

I also made myself sick with exhaustion, I've felt achy and sore for months now. Very tired all the time. I have trouble sleeping for more than 4-5 broken hours of sleep. I have trouble eating because the food makes me feel sick. I have a constant throbbing pressure in the sides of my head every time I have to deal with anything slightly difficult. But worst... I'm usually a very happy and optimistic person, I've suddenly started feeling despair with bouts of crying and had a few moments of suicidal thinking. What's mostly stopped those is SPITE! My ex-fil will NOT get a 1/4 million dollars from my death while my autistic children get NOTHING!!!

It seems the realtors that were hired to sell the house are now helping ex-fil's lawyer to play head games with me through my own lawyer! (which is now making me scared to receive any contact from MY lawyer!) With the several other situations occurring at the same time for me...

It's too much. The head games are too much. I can't deal with them. It hurts.

I've made a mental health appointment with my doctor (hopefully he'll prescribe something for me because my situation is NOT going away anytime soon) and I'm planning to utilize the resources available to my kids. I also have the 24 hr crisis/suicide line on me just in case I need someone to talk to immediately. I'm on a waiting list for therapy but it's 6-8 months (my previous counselor changed jobs).




Also, I accidentally discovered a few weeks ago that my stbx WAS living at his parents house (a couple houses away from the marital home) and WAS watching us!

Also, he's already asking for my help through the visitation agency with the child he's claiming isn't his!

WTH!?

[Poison Ivy]

Ugh. I'm sorry so many negative things are happening for you these days! I wish I could do something more than read your posts, but please know, there are folks here who are reading and sympathizing with you.

[sad_dog_mommy]

Dear D Dan,

You are not alone.   Although my situation is totally different I recently went through something that left me feeling the same way you described in your post.    I had been in fight/flight mode for a few months and I could not seem to get out of it.   I saw my doctor who diagnosed me with emotional exhaustion.   He prescribed a very mild anti anxiety medication to take only when I felt overwhelmed.  It has allowed me to stop and catch my breath.   My thoughts seem a little clearer now.   

Find little ways to be kind to yourself.   A cup of hot tea and 15 minutes of quiet?   A hot bath after the kids are asleep?   Maybe you can mentally unplug for an hour by watching something mindless on TV?   

Have you heard the expression that we are not given more than we can handle?   I think that is true.   Look back at all you have been able to successfully manage.    You are amazing!

((( hug )))

[GettingOOTF]

I am sorry. I found the games got worse once I left. He realized I was serious so really ramped it up.

Can you tell your attorney what you want to happen and have them deal with all the communications. Tell them not to send you everything?

It's a very stressful time and you're bound to feel overwhelmed. It's great that you were able to leave. The peace will come.

[SparkStillLit]

My situation is also different, but in the fall I had a similar thing happen. I went to my dr finally. Exhaustion was part of it, and I got a prescription for "rest". What on earth, right? He didn't want me in the hospital because of covid, but he said under other circumstaces he'd have put me there. I also got on an antidepressant with antianxiety effects. It's done me well. Doing that and better self care and therapy and RESTING has gotten me back to more sunny and rosy and regular.

[PAY]

I know this is off topic...but all of your symptoms:nausea trying to eat, poor sleep, aches, headaches, and yes, suicidal thoughts are all symptoms I have when I am in mold. Because you just moved, I wonder...It's overwhelming and however, if that's happening, you need to get out of there. You and your child/children will only get worse. Anxiety was a huge symptom for me. Sorry-there's just red flags here. I could be wrong, but worth looking into. Be safe.

[Lauren17]

I'm sad to hear that you're in such a difficult position. I know how hard it is to take care of yourself when you're the only one taking care of the kids.
Keep posting, it does help.
Hugs.

[D.Dan]

Just had a full blown panic attack an hour ago, while I was trying to call a support worker. I wasn't expecting that, because I trust this person and view them as safe. They weren't at work so I have to try again tomorrow.

I'm getting some help currently with one of my situations, I'm not giving details because it hurts my head to think about it, but help is a good thing. The support worker can help me out with a few things that involve the kids (and help decrease stress on me) so I'm trying to get that started too.

I'm mostly noticing how hard it is to think right now. I'm a problem solver by nature and right now, the pressure in my head increases  every time I try to think about an issue, never mind coming up with a solution.

[D.Dan]

*update*

My doctor diagnosed me with "adjustment disorder". He prescribed 2 medications, one daily and another to use sparingly at the worst times, plus therapy. He also connected me with a social worker that helps patients at his practice. She is helping a lot.

[GettingOOTF]

It's great that you are getting help. I found therapy invaluable in helping me see through my exes games as well as coming to terms with the abuse he inflicted on me. It sounds like you are making positive moves.

[1footouttadefog]

Glad to read you are getting help.

You can make it through this.  Beautiful vista's are atop the toughest mountain hikes.  Keep making progress even if steps at a time.

I find that when I am feeling overwhelmed I can unwind a tiny little by doing some things that are mindless and listening to music or a podcast or book on tape.  Cleaning bathrooms, folding laundry, sorting piles of papers, sorting kids belongings and doing meal preps ahead and freezing. Also taking my kids out somewhere to relax helps.  I find myself relaxed because at least something got done and the tiny bit less stress can allow my energy to recover.

I hope you can identify ways to take little bits of stress away.

For me it's energizing to see something get completed. 

I hope you find relief with the meds.  Sometimes they can really help push the system back toward balance after an extensive experience or experiences has gotten things out of wack.

[hhaw]

Ddan:

I wish I had access to a trauma informed therapist during my divorce from an ASPD N. 

My body betrayed me, my mind betrayed me, attorneys betrayed me....I needed access to my logical, creative problem solving higher thinking frontal lobe. 

What I was working with was my reptilian brain....fight or flight....zero ability to calm my nervous system while the stbx had access to me.

While we're in fight or flight, we can't think our way out.  We can, however, learn how to sneak up underneath it, snip the wires and unhook it with breathing techniques, patting ourselves on the shoulders gently....like comforting an infant, turning cold water on at end of the shower, walking backwards around a trashcan and pushing as hard as possible on a doorjamb, ime.

Reptilian brain is reacting to a tiger....in real time.  If we slow our breath, the tiger can't be THERE.....slow breathing signals NO tiger.  We trick our brains...we learn to activate our Parasympathetic Nervous System (PSNS) and take control back.

Being stuck in fight or flight isn't a weakness.  It's a biochemical hijack. 

We learn what's happening, tools for switching on PSNS and most of all to give ourselves tsunamis of self compassion.

We tend to our fears in a calm state of mind......calm means our higher thinking, logical creative problem solving brain is on the job. 

In these situations WE are our finest asset.  Our ability to self soothe, regain composure, overcome upset the PDs continue throwing at us, over and over.

I wish I'd found a trauma informed T at the beginning of my divorce.  I believe it would have changed everything with the huge benefit of modeling amazing coping strategies and resilience for my young children.

Good luck and please remember to keep breathing through the stress.  I notice I hold my breath when stressed, still.  It's biochemical.....you have to support and enable your PSNS to get yourself into better mental health.

Don't beat yourself up for becoming overwhelmed or thinking about escape.  We do this when we're pushed beyond coping and it passes.

You can feel better.  You can learn tools to shift yourself out of fight or flight. 

Eat good proteins and fats....organic if you can.  Grass fed ghee and unprocessed coconut oil, MCT oil......limit simple carbs, eat complex carbs to support brain and body through this crushing stress.

If you can....try to shift into observer mode.  Get curious.  Drop judgment as you can.

It's all helpful, ime.  Particularly if you have a trauma informed T to walk you you through it.

You can do this for the kids.  Later, you'll do it for yourself....to cultivate joy and serenity.

In the meantime, keep your head where your feet are.  Firmly planted in the present moment.  Worrying about what might happen can drive you over the edge, ime. 

Document your situation as best you can.  Organize the evidence.  Keep it safe.  Remember to drop all the stories around your situation...put them on the shelf and really look your kids in the eye and be present with them daily, if you can.  These days will fly by.

You'll realize you have the ability to choose how you move through them.

Worry, worry, worry all the time, feeling at the mercy of......powerless worrying, or......
Doing what you can to help yourself, putting your story on the shelf and being present in the moment. 

Ask yourself.....am I safe in this moment?  If you are, you have the ability to perform an amazing act .... 
To understand fight or flight includes tunnel vision.  You see ONLY what you need to see....the threat

I'm our case, tunnel vision has our nose on a single pebble, limiting our ability to see the entire field.....  all the rocks, trees, ponds and grass are still there, if we can get our nose off that darn pebble( problem) and gain proper perspective.

Perspective helps us dilute the panic and fear.....helps us problem solve and rest....feel joy again, even during these stressful days where the PD is pressing in, manipulating people close to us.....learn who you can trust and keep them close.  Let those who don't understand....go

Again....remember to breathe, be very kind to yourself, be curious about what's happening and stop assigning judgment as you can.

This too shall pass.  You're stronger than you think.  Limit the bandwidth you allow your PD to control.  Take him out of your headspace.....as you can.

PDs always manage to manipulate some dumb bunny in court matters, ime.  It's not fatal, bc they can't manipulate everyone IF we document properly, keep our cool and resist allowing them to whip us into appearing unstable.

You should tell a story people can understand about your situation.  It's called a theory of your case and should be formed around your evidence, NOT on what the PD says and does, ime. 

We appear unhinged if we prattle on fearfully about PD behaviors we cannot prove. 

Calm yourself.....tactical breathing is used by law enforcement officers during firefights....to calm themselves....to think more clearly.  Breathe in 4 seconds, hold 4 seconds, breathe out 4 seconds.....do it 10 times then check your body for stress and tension.....identify it....put descriptive words to it....give it a number 1-10.....10 is the worst ....take 10 more long tactical breaths.  Check your body again.  Is better?  Worse?  The same?

You can do this.  Breathe.  Be kind.  Resist judging.  Shift into observer mode and get curious.  Repeat.

It will get easier, but it won't ever be easy.  You'll learn to recover more quickly when the PD pulls his stunts.

It's not the end of the world if he's manipulating your attorney.  Been there.  Done that.  I found another attorney and hired him..... it's important you trust your attorney and those you let into your circle, ime.

Try to accept that the PD will pull his stunts. 

Drop expectation for how this has to go...some days will go well for you. Some will seem very bad.  It's ok.  It's all part of divorcing a PD and you have amazing support from wise posters who've been where you are.

You aren't alone.

Breathe......
10 times.... 
Keep breathing.

Wishing you and your children the best possible outcome,

[Boat Babe]