Taking up space

[SparkStillLit]

Remember how I said I was trying to eject updh out of my mindspace and my physical personal space as well?
I mean, not entirely, but trying to allot him a more appropriate amount of space.
Well, he's been fighting back against this enormously. Yesterday I thought to myself how he takes up an entire 3000 sq ft house, and that is plain ridiculous.
The bathroom thing? Now having the fan on isn't enough. He LISTENS for if I'm clattering around in there, and if I am, starts banging on the door and wanting in. This has led to silently doing makeup, or using the third bathroom upstairs. Thus far, only the dog bugs me in there.
I feel paranoid, but I know you guys understand, and *probably* don't think I'm crazy, but I think as soon as he hears me get good and going in the kitchen, he suddenly urgently has something to do in there that involves getting in my way.
Same with reading. Sits across from me and stares.
If I don't give him the attention he desires, he gets immediately snippy over nothing and storms off.
I didn't give him the intimacy he wanted that was scheduled for last night, I was GOING to do something a little different, but he was already set for a snit, so screw it. I'm not rewarding shitty behavior.
Oh, I go outside to read sometimes, too. Guess who appears.
Guess who creepily watches out windows when I play with the dog.
I know I obviously have to get out of the house, and I do, but I'd like SOME space in this giant fucking house that I'm not stalked and overrun, you know???

[Dollydrops]

This was always a big thing with my udh to the point where I felt stifled. He would be waiting in the window if I went out and follow me round the house. I would step back and he'd be right behind me totally silent making me jump. If I emptied the dishwasher he'd urgently need something from the work top above it but stand there looking at me like I was in HIS way  if I hung washing out he'd decide to sweep the path I was walking on, you get the drift.
Now to my present friend,
When in the getting to know me stage, would wait in the window at work looking for me and he'd been texting me all morning, follow me wherever I went in the building, if I spoke to anyone would put himself in between us, not join in but just stand there. He had to always be walking by me and brushing up against me.
Predatory, territorial, and even stalkerish, even when they already have you.

[SparkStillLit]

Adding to my own post here. I sent updh to get my meds and my voucher card. He came back and I asked if they gave him the meds & the voucher. He said he dropped off the scrip and they gave him an official scrip. I said but did they give you the voucher. He kept describing the scrip, and I had to do some heavy duty questioning before he said that they gave him a card but it looks like an advertisement. I said, that's the voucher. He said, I'm supposed to give THIS to the pharmacy? I said yes.
He tore out of the house in a rage to go back to the pharm, even thoughI tried to call out to just call them....then I thought, fuck it. He's an adult. He should be able to handle an errand, and a setback, and problem solve on his own.
I'm sick and I don't need extra bullshit. My brain is all upset.

[losingmyself]

Spark, let him go yell at the pharmacy people. It gets him out of your hair for a while, and hopefully, eventually, you'll get your medicine.
Good luck to them and to you. I hope you're feeling better soon.
Also, my H was stalky when we started dating. One thing always comes to mind when I think of red flags. I took my kids out to eat one day, and there he was in the parking lot. (I wasn't ready to let them know that we were seeing each other, so we were being quiet about it.) He wasn't going to join us, he was just....there.
A little while later, we were eating, and he drove up next to the window I was sitting next to.  So many times I should have listened to my gut....
He has gotten a little better, but so very jealous of my time and my space. I don't even bother trying to read any more. It's difficult to figure out what to say when my sister says she's read a good book, and do I want to borrow it? I would love to, but know I won't be allowed. I just say that I don't have time. Thankfully, he gives me space when I'm doing my artwork or crafty stuff.
I think it's because they think that we are an extension of them, so they must be aware of all our movements, what if they miss something???

[SparkStillLit]

Omg. You have to activate the voucher. He failed twice. I won't get my meds w/o it. They're $500. He had another fit at this whole sitch.
Lord my head.
I swear to heaven this has got to be 50% of the reason I have these. Why can he not just be....calm??? Everything doesn't require some giant reaction with *anger*!!!

[SparkStillLit]

Now I have a question for my fellows here.
He turns everything around into how I have made a mistake or done something dumb (my fault, essentially).
Few weeks ago it was something at work, my WFH contract.
Then it was some errand or other.
Now this, why do I not have my meds.
Normally I wouldn't discuss ANY of this stuff with him, but each of these involved him on some level.
He keeps flipping it back to me "did you forget to pick up the voucher?"
"NO, I just told you, they didn't have samples! And I thought insurance was covering my rx because of what my rx said!!!"
"Insurance din't cover it before. Did you misread something?"
"NO!!! And I tried to cover myself with samples BUT THEY DIDN'T HAVE ANY! "

What could I do better in those situations?

[Lauren17]

H is a master at making everything my fault.  Especially his mistakes, but also any trouble the kids might have, his unhappiness at work, the weather. You name it, Lauren was stupid, screwed up and caused the problem. 
When he says these things, I often say "let's agree to disagree on that" in as pleasant a tone as I can muster. This usually stops him immediately. I ignore the how can you be so stupid looks.
Next, I have a phrase that I repeat over and over until I calm down. It's a variant of the three Cs. I don't know know why, but I have to say it out loud for full effect. May I suggest a walk, the car, and the shower as good places for this?
As for the not being able to run a simple errand and pick up meds. I don't know about your husband, but you can be sure mine would do that task perfectly if it were for him or his mom. It only gets difficult and confusing if I ask. So, I don't ask him for help anymore.
If I'm really in a bind, I might say "I need my meds, but since I can't drive right now, I'm going to ask Mary to get them for me." This usually results in H leaving immediately to pick up the item. He hates to ask anyone for help!!
Or, I might just go ahead and ask Mary, and not mention it to him at all.

[SparkStillLit]

Lauren, thank you.
With some calm and space, I See I was just JADEing. Or that I do, in response to that particular situation.
The meds thing...well, I can see I need to get some new stuff in place. He is my only Emergency Contact (!!!!), so I sent him to my Dr to get the things I needed, and then anyone could have gone to the pharmacy. I need at least one more (reliable!!) Emergency Contact. That resolves that whole situation.
As to the others, I think calm MC statements will suffice, and then an exit strategy. "We are having a home inspection of my office space, done by boss (who is a friend and he likes and has been to our home countless times). This is for the WFH contract." Any further questions will be met with succinct facts, annnd exit if the questions stop being about facts related to the item at hand.
I was so sick and frustrated yesterday, and my brain doesn't work right when I'm sick like that, and he *knows* it...WHO EXPLOITS THAT????
He did solve the problem himself, and quickly, but *not* without involving and upsetting me.
Again, new EC and better boundaries.
It's difficult to do boundaries when your brain is fried so best that I don't have to do them then.

[Lauren17]

I think of a tangled pile of yarn. There I am, pulling apart knots and smoothing frayed areas and wrapping it into a neat ball. Along comes DH, grabs the yarn ball, throws it down the stairs and starts running through it. 
Sometimes, i get so angry that I need a reminder that I was working on untangling.
And it's that much harder to remember if you're sick, or tired. Helping each other remember is one of the best parts of Out of the FOG.

[1footouttadefog]

If you have a room to do so I highly recommend setting up a space of your own.  I did so quite. Few years ago and it was a very healthy thing In terms of mental and physical space.

I had been deprived of good sleep for along time and it helped with that.  At night I ask if Nyone needs anything then retire to my space.  I announce it like this, does anyone need anything before I am off for the night.

At first pdh would hear my TV or computer and come nose in, or he would run up and down the stairs a dozen times to tell me what he just read or saw in news of on YouTube.

I cut this off by meeting him in the open space outside my room, listen g then asking if he had anything else to tell me before I went back in my room.

He eventually stopped.  I get his list of headlines before heading down.  I now have some downtime in morning and  night.

[SparkStillLit]

I talked this whole thing over with T.
Still and all. The wretched PD is like having an Imperial drone on my ass. It's driving me MAD.
And let me be typing on my phone? Heavens to Betsy! "WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? WHAT ARE YOU POSTING???? WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT???"
Posting pics of flowers and cute cat videos! One of the cats does tricks for biscuits! Ffs! Looking at flowers and cats and castles and birds!!! Ffs!!!! WHY DO YOU NEED TO KNOW???
Do I come and harrass you about what you are looking at, or what you are texting or whom?
Oh and "what are you reading?"
LEAVE!!!! ME!!!!! ALONE!!!!!!!

I told the T that I feel kind of bad, but I need so much MORE alone time, because he keeps on bugging me so much that I'm not getting enough (or possibly any) alone time. Then he will pitch a fit on that subject, acting like I never pay attention to him in any case, and I'm always "alone".
She suggested that I purposely take time with him. We'll see, but he is so often just an endless void of need, that I don't really know. I have and did express that. I'm also not ready to talk to him about needing my space, because past experience in having even T-guided conversations with him about my needs have gone horribly for me. I need more solid armor in place.

[LostDreams]

People with PD like to keep the people around them on edge. They will generate drama from thin air then blame you for it. I was bed ridden after a surgery when all my foo with my ex came to a peak. I came to realize that either way she was gonna end up ticked so I started calling her out on her crappy behavior. 2 years later and 57 police calls by neighbors because she would yell at me so bad, oh and I was hospitalized and put on 48hold following her assaulting me for no reason while I slept. It takes 2 to fight and Ill never again hit that subscribe button. I hope things get better for you.