Confused and Hurt

[anon019238]

I know this site is about coping with PDs and I am not sure if my wife or I have one, but I need help and I am not sure where else to go. Just had a big fight with my wife about a long stewing betrayal I have not been able to move forward from. We have had a huge number of stressors this past year+. I believe we both struggle with codependence at the very least based on obvious addiction in both families. Her brother is diagnosed PD and in jail. I believe one of her two older sisters is uPD. She lost her Dad (alcoholic among other challenges) in December who she loves deeply but was perpetually angry with when alive and now terribly grief stricken in death - she thought she'd have more time, etc. I have been afraid to share my true feelings about this because she always only wants "support" and I am a bad husband if I don't perfectly fit the mold of her emotional needs. Her 2nd sister, who I hate and my wife worships, keeps rage-fitting all over her and brings the baggage back to me without changing anything. We have tried individual and couples therapy for about two years prior to all our recent drama. She is "begging" me to go back but I have been so bone dry for so long, I have no confidence it will result in anything but more resentment towards her. I have tried individual therapy but the first doctor was a little too quick and flippant with putting divorce on the table - although I fantasize about (and she has threatened me with) regularly. The second doctor came down with an illness the morning of my appointment and I am too fucking depressed and hurt and angry to reschedule or find a new dr. We can be functional and happy but invariably fall back into some devastating exchange, usually born of something innocuous. When I just confronted her (poorly) about confiding in her sister and some mutual friends about a fight we had, she played dumb, then lied about it, then tried to hijack the topic, then 'not a big dealed' it after I produced proof... And laced in all kinds of personal insults and "fuck you" non-verbals. I already have trust issues. I held on to this for a year and it just came out and it was fucking terrible. For my part, I am not proud of how I engaged or responded, I was very angry and just let down any indication if integrity or self respect and returned volley with insults and outbursts.  There is a lot more to it, but I'm just fucking spent and don't know what to do. She called her oldest sister after our fight. I don't have that kind of relationship with anyone and having a confidant is good, but her family is frankly super enmeshed and antagonistic and judgemental towards who ever draws the short straw. She has tried to normalize all of this and while it is not unreasonable for her to talk about this with a trusted friend, I just have a huge fucking problem with the way her family handles things, and I resent being painted in a poor light with mutual friends. She doesn't really have a ton of friends. I don't know where to begin to fix this or heal. We have two kids who are my entire world and we are super blessed and fortunate to have. I wanted more and I think she did too but there's no fucking way that's going to happen now. I just want to raise them well and figure out how to heal all this pain. I don't want to walk away but I am afraid that is my only option after tonight. Sorry for the wall of text & thanks for reading this far.

[notrightinthehead]

I remember all these fight that led nowhere, yet they left me in a terrible state. Sometimes I could not sleep because I was in such turmoil. And I kept on promising myself that I would find a way out and disappointed myself regularly because as soon as it was not quite so bad (never good) I thought, well maybe it will be alright in the end.
What helped me was the Toolbox - have you studied it? I learned to implement medium chill, non JADE, and gray rock. I read about boundaries and started to implement them. I read the book by Fjelstad (Stop Caretaking the borderline/narcissist) and found it very helpful. The secret for me was to start working on myself. My behaviour. My thoughts. My responses. I was lucky that I found an excellent therapist who was knowledgeable about c-PTSD ,  you might want to consider this when you have some energy again.  And this forum was with me all the way - I hope you will find it as helpful as I did. See you around.

[Lauren17]

Hello and and welcome.
As I read your post, I could remember being so angry and confused and hurt.
I'm a believer that knowledge is power. I recommend educating yourself. Once you have some understanding and the words, you can start working on the tools to cope.
The book that Notrightinthehead suggests is the best I've read. I also suggest Living Successfully with Screwed Up People. It's not about PD so much as it's about dealing with difficult people, but it applies the smart principles.
Best of luck to you.

[1footouttadefog]

Stick around here. Read others stories. Know you re not alone and your pain is real and you are not imagining the nagging feeling things are not right, but rather you are feeling correcrly that your relationship has problems that need solved.

The good news is that unless you or your kids are in physical danger, you have time to step back and learn then use tools to make things better.

Or of you apply the tools and own your part of the problems and address your share, you will know you did your part of things don't improve.

Self care is usually critical, as the non in these relationships has often sacrificed them selves into exhaustion and almost neasmr non existance.

Take time for you and the kids and optimize yourself for a healing journey that my have some unpleasant self discoveries, or might not see change on your spouses part.

[anon019238]

Thank you all, I will check out the resources and take my time. She woke up the next morning and has been acting like she hasn't a care in the world and nothing happened - except that she's given me an apology note everyday for the last three days. I'm not okay pretending like nothing happened but the notes are just... I don't understand. I feel manipulated and I don't know how to deal with this new and contradictory behavior.

[Dollydrops]

Hi anon,
Your story sounds a lot like the one I had with my spouse. You are right everyone needs someone they can trust to talk to but sometimes the advice causes more problems if its too close and it should never feel like there are 'two of them and one of me' in a commited relationship.  You don't say what the betrayal was but it sounds like that may be your first and ongoing problem. Could you see someone alone for that and choose a counsellor who deals with that particular topic?
The leaving notes after a major fight,, a quick impersonal sorry feels avoidant, my avoidance apologies would be a chocolate bar on the table before work without another word and everything expected to be forgotten, its very frustrating, solves nothing and is very manipulating. (I've said my bit now let's forget it) and all your concerns, thoughts and feelings have been managed down. 'Sorry' on paper doesn't resolve the problem.
Once you read all you can you will begin to see whats happening, but what's important is that you ask for advice, take care of yourself, keep reading and know you are not alone.