Help with BIFF

[PAY]

Hi all~
Tomorrow, Friday, was to be our last mediation.  The mediator has put together an agreement with 3 different scenarios.  We left last week in agreement on all points (I am paying him spousal support) except 1 remaining.  My stbxudPDH has suggested 2 alternatives to the one I am in agreement with (actually, there would be 2 that I'm ok with and he's suggested 2 others that accelerate the payment).

Of course, yesterday, he wrote a long email to the mediator and me, objecting to being asked to sign something that states that he is in agreement with "unreconcilable differences".  And he keeps pushing for us to go away on a weekend intensive couples counseling (to which I have repeatedly said firmly "no" (I might add that I have said I would be open to seeing a couples counseling here, if he paid for it-to which, of course, he went into a rage over.  Which also tells me he's just looking for a weekend away and not really interested in actual counseling).

I have read some of the recent posts and re-read the characteristics.  I recognize the hoovering. (Last week he went into a major rage at our zoom mediation as I set firm boundaries-so his current pleading to stop this process is consistent with hoovering coming after a major emotional outburst).  I, of course being a non, wanted to believe maybe he means it. Maybe he could change....but hearing your stories again and seeing the similarities and patterns have helped me get back on track again.

So I'm looking for help for tomorrow.  A million things could change between the email yesterday and tomorrow.  But I know I need to be brief, informative, friendly, firm.
"I hear this is hard for you.  I continue to want to divorce."  I'm not sure what else to say.  It seems a little too brief and only slightly friendly.  I don't want to apologize.  I know he's hurt.  I know he's just trying to avoid feeling the grief and sadness.  I know I feel guilt.  And obligation.  Any suggestions/words are greatly appreciated.  Thanks all for being here.  You have been an incredible support.

[JustKeepTrying]

I am so glad you recognize the hoovering.  With the guilt and obligation feelings, it is hard at this point to keep the boundaries firm.

When it came to this point in the divorce for me, I became robotic.  I hardened my heart and looked anywhere but him.  I leaned on my lawyer and tried to keep a cool business head.  That what it is - a dissolving of the finances and red tape that government and corporations bestow on marriage.  In my heart and soul, I had already divorced from him.  So I treated like a corporate partnership and kept my interests in front of me.

You don't need to be kind or soft peddling.  Just no.  Let him do his thing and tantrum.  When my ex finally saw that I wasn't bending, he suddenly became business like and moved on.

You got this.

[BeautifulCrazy]

I remember how difficult this was for me too... changing my approach after years of placating, eggshell walking!
You don't need to be more friendly or less brief. Anything you add will create more space for misinterpretation. Your ex will read exactly what he wants to and at the end of the day, nobody else involved, like your mediator, is going to care.
You are doing perfectly with BIFF principles with exactly what you have for responses.

You are almost there!! You can do this!! 

[PAY]

  Thank you for the responses.  I appreciate the support.  It will help me go into the room tomorrow.  (No lawyer yet.  Just me, him and the mediator).

[Jsinjin]

My response comes only from what I have read here and on other dedicated forums to dealing with PD individuals.  The communication isn't about feelings or emotion.  It is unfortunately about the transaction in this case.   I completely understand how difficult it is for you, an empathetic and caring person, to treat someone in a manner that is transactional.   In this case, the individual you are working with is very likely relying on your empathy and softer interpretation to change the narrative of the argument or the task at hand to avoid confronting it.

I've read a lawyer's blog that basically says that factual statements are neither nice nor cruel, they are simply facts and this transaction is not at it's base an event that needs to be led with emotion for you (even though that is probably very difficult).   It is a transaction and a fact like "these are the documents that need to be signed" or "please speak through my lawyer if you have any questions about the details" are facts and they are not mean.   You are using the benefit of the proceedings to protect yourself from the things that have snared you in the past. 

Thoughts and prayers.