Nearly 1 year of divorce proceedings

[Stillirise]

I don't think it's manipulative. You have had to be smart in order to get a fair settlement for you and the kids. If you had been divorcing a non PD person, things would be very different. My ex long time partner (nonPD) broke my heart when he left me for another woman but we split everything 50/50 without one single argument. That's what healthy people do.

I've had friends tell me of their situations, where one parent or the other may even  agree to above and beyond what is the bare minimum required, because both parents agree, for whatever reason, that it is in the best interest of the children. That's such a foreign idea when negotiating with a PD person.  I've needed to provide toothbrushes for the children to leave at his home. Otherwise, they were going all weekend without brushing their teeth. Neither of us are destitute.

[SonofThunder]

Thank you SoT, and all, for your kindness and support.  It appears the flailing and thrashing over the last round of numbers is coming to an end.  Things ended up being adjusted ever so slightly toward his favor, so he has given a verbal commitment to sign. That has been the play the entire time.  I've tried to plan so that when he inevitably argues, there's that little bit more to shift in his favor.  It might sound manipulative on my part, but it's been a necessity in getting to a settlement with this PD.  Fingers crossed for signatures!

Stillrise,

You wrote:  "I've tried to plan so that when he inevitably argues, there's that little bit more to shift in his favor." 

I believe that is a brilliant idea in the plan.  It feeds well into the narcissist agenda and yet, they had no idea you had allocated it if needed.  'Holding my cards close' is something I do in my life with my uPDw and also in my business.  As in wartime, exposing battle plans is a sure fire method to lose the war and the opposite, if planned very strategically and followed through is also true.   

I have noted your idea should I need it for strategy in the future.  It is definitely not manipulative on your part, but serves a double purpose.  If you can arrive at settlement with more in your favor, then that is a win and well played.  If you arrive at settlement with an amount you planned-for, that is also a win and well played, and also allows the narcissist to be willing to settle, thinking they had the stronger hand.  Game over. 

SoT

[Stillirise]

You wrote:  "I've tried to plan so that when he inevitably argues, there's that little bit more to shift in his favor." 

That started out as my strategy for mediation.  I felt it would likely play into his need to be on top, and "in control," but to be honest, I'm a little bit shocked at how predictably the strategy has worked with every step.  I've deployed it not just on money, but time with the kids, dividing parcels of land, basically everything.  My recommendation is to be very clear on what you will and will not settle for at the beginning, then negotiate down to that bottom line.   There are a few things I don't love about where it's ended up, but I can assure you once this is over, I'm not going to lose any sleep over that tiny fraction more land he ended up with. It's all worth it.

[SonofThunder]

You wrote:  "I've tried to plan so that when he inevitably argues, there's that little bit more to shift in his favor." 

That started out as my strategy for mediation.  I felt it would likely play into his need to be on top, and "in control," but to be honest, I'm a little bit shocked at how predictably the strategy has worked with every step.  I've deployed it not just on money, but time with the kids, dividing parcels of land, basically everything.  My recommendation is to be very clear on what you will and will not settle for at the beginning, then negotiate down to that bottom line.   There are a few things I don't love about where it's ended up, but I can assure you once this is over, I'm not going to lose any sleep over that tiny fraction more land he ended up with. It's all worth it.

I appreciate the advise immensely.  Your experience in this complex-divorce situation is invaluable. In my own experiences with my PDw with others on Out of the FOG, PD's are very predictable, and as you demonstrated, it takes a deep understanding of what makes them tick, in order to devise a great strategy.  Clarity on the front end (and holding back some extra cards to play) and then continuing to hold your cards close during negotiation, yet allowing the PD to play the final card, is a brilliant  plan.   

SoT

[Stillirise]

You heard it here first...my uPD X!! h signed the divorce settlement documents today.  There will still be the formality of the official decree being handed down.  However, I literally feel like I have just unshackled from a 200 pound load, that I've been dragging for over 2 decades.

I could not have gotten here without you all. I am forever grateful.   I'll make another post, later, once the official decree is issued.  For today, though, I'm feeling 

[square]

This calls for a banana celebration!!!

[Poison Ivy]

Hurray!

[Bunnyme]

 

In other words, so happy for you!

[blunk]

Great news! Very happy for you! Wishing you a wonderful, happy future!

[SonofThunder]

A heartfelt congratulations to you Stillrise!!   I look forward to reading about your personal feedback here as your new found freedom expands.  I consider being in a long term relationship with a PD, to being brainwashed in a cult environment.

Once a cult member has their eyes opened and plans their exit, they then have to deal with, upon exit, the 'unwashing' of years/decades of cult influence.   Thank you for any continued sharing you may provide. 

SoT

[Boat Babe]

Excellent news Stillirise, just fabulous. I know that you will enjoy your new life to the max.

Have some more emojis!

[Lauren17]

Congratulations!
I'm wishing you all the best in moving forward.
 

[BeautifulCrazy]

Yes!
YES!
YESSSSSS!!!

Hugs, high fives, happy dances and excited giggling!!!

Wow!!

Looking forward to hearing new stories of success!!

~BC

[hhaw]

Well there's proof not all PDs are pathologically unable to settle anything.

Congratulations, Stillrise.  I'm so happy for you 🤗

[Stillirise]

Well there's proof not all PDs are pathologically unable to settle anything.

Congratulations, Stillrise.  I'm so happy for you 🤗

Only because this particular PD is nearly as  concerned with his public image, and saving money on legal fees, as he is with making my life difficult. He was to the point that his own lawyer basically told him to sign—he was at the end of the line.

Thanks, all for the congratulations and encouragement!  I'm sure this isn't really the end, but it is nice to take a moment to celebrate how far I've come!

[SonofThunder]

Well there's proof not all PDs are pathologically unable to settle anything.

Congratulations, Stillrise.  I'm so happy for you 🤗

Only because this particular PD is nearly as  concerned with his public image, and saving money on legal fees, as he is with making my life difficult. He was to the point that his own lawyer basically told him to sign—he was at the end of the line.

Thanks, all for the congratulations and encouragement!  I'm sure this isn't really the end, but it is nice to take a moment to celebrate how far I've come!

The 'public image' is a point well made, as it is a common denominator in most PD's as it relates to the concentric circles of relationships.  The most inner circle (spouse) is not an 'image' concern for the PD, but the 2nd circle (children) and 3rd/4th circles (other family members, friends & neighbors) are certainly relationships where a PD tries to maintain the facade of good image.   

Therefore I see this fact as a place in which negotiation should focus and negotiation should also reveal to the PD that land/structures/business settlement results (after divorce finalized) will become knowledgeable to circles 3-4 (outside family, friends, neighbors).  I am of the opinion, in my case with adult children who know my assets prior to a divorce, should also become aware of those assets post-divorce, since future inheritances (especially land/structures/business assets) should be made aware to beneficiaries, so they don't get shell-shocked in the future, in the event inheritance is triggered by death of a parent. 

I also believe any cash-assets, in which I was part owner in marriage, (in which I had to split in a divorce), should also be made aware to my (circle 2) adult children as well.   This 'public image' factor could, as Stillrise experienced, become very key to help settlement move along in a balanced and steady manner.   

Thank you Stillrise.

SoT