Nearly 1 year of divorce proceedings

[Stillirise]

Next week will mark one year since I filed for divorce from stbxUPDh.  Today, I received the documents for what should be the final piece of the puzzle in our settlement agreement.  I'm hoping it will be on the judge's desk soon, and will be signed off on without us going to trial.  There's still that chance of derailment, but the PD is running out of things to argue over.

I feel good about the life I've been able to carve out for the children and me, so far. I counted up the custody days, and they have been with me for over 300 days, since I filed. They are adjusting to his absence, as well as one could expect, I suppose.

I don't expect smooth sailing forever, but the waters are relatively calm right now, considering everything.  I just wanted to touch base, give an update, and as always, express my gratitude for the many ways this place has guided and supported me during this journey.

[GettingOOTF]

This is an awesome milestone. My divorce also dragged on for a long time. I independently changed my last name and was living as if I were already divorced but the judge signing off on the final agreement was such a weight lifted. You are so close!

[PAY]

Congratulations, stillrise!  Feeling good about life is what it's all about.  The end is in sight!

[Jsinjin]

I'm excited for you!   The idea of a year of divorce proceedings scares me.   I'm proud of what you've done!

[Stillirise]

Thank you all, for your kind words.  The long process has been partly due to COVID, but mostly due to stbx dragging his feet, or arguing about details, at every turn. 

I have been managing a balancing act between driving the process forward, and not seeming like any one issue was too urgent.

I've used this year for a tremendous amount of self work.  I think I finally see who this new person who's emerging is.  Some days still just suck, but mostly, I am confident, focused and optimistic about the future. 

[GentleSoul]

So good to read your update.  Inspiring. 

I love what you say about doing the work on yourself and seeing the new person emerging.  Very exciting times.   That is where I am at too. 

[hhaw]

SR:

Are you still on track to settle?

[Stillirise]

SR:

Are you still on track to settle?

So far.  Due to courts and lawyers trying to clear their backlogs from courts being closed, it's a tedious waiting game right now.  The helpful thing is we both signed a settlement "commitment" at the end of last year, essentially agreeing to all the terms, while we were waiting on property surveys, etc., to be completed.  He only signed them to get something he wanted at the time, so I can see him trying to pull some kind of stunt at the end. However, my lawyer is confident that if he tries that, a judge is going to default back to the settlement we both previously agreed to.  I'm anxious, but still optimistic that it will be over soon.

[Happytobefree]

Wow!!  Well done for working on yourself during this time of limbo!  That takes a lot of resiliency.

Fingers crossed that the finish line is near!

[Stillirise]

Wow!!  Well done for working on yourself during this time of limbo!  That takes a lot of resiliency.

Fingers crossed that the finish line is near!

Thanks!! The fact that he chose to move nearly an hour away, combined with learning to have boundaries of steel, helped me focus on myself, and my children!  Just having that daily sense of anxiety and dread gone was such a weight lifted!

[GentleSoul]

Wow!!  Well done for working on yourself during this time of limbo!  That takes a lot of resiliency.

Fingers crossed that the finish line is near!

Thanks!! The fact that he chose to move nearly an hour away, combined with learning to have boundaries of steel, helped me focus on myself, and my children!  Just having that daily sense of anxiety and dread gone was such a weight lifted!

I relate to what you say about the "daily sense of anxiety and dread".  It is gone from my life now too, Wonderful.  Big weight lifted.

[Stillirise]

Final settlement agreements are ready for signatures.  As is absolutely predictable from the PD playbook, he is now taking issue with the child support settlement.  There's nothing new in it—the same documents he's had since January.  In our state, it's a pretty cut and dry formula based on reported income, so I don't expect it to really change much.  However, he will manufacture some chaos and thrash around over it for a bit, I suppose.

Otherwise, I've kept him at bay as far as contacting me, or letting him get in my head.  Small steps. Eye on the prize.

[Boat Babe]

Very nearly there Stillirise, very nearly there.

If it helps you to see his final attempts at trying to control you, to wring supply from you, as ultimately utterly pathetic, that might help. Whilst I get it that it's still just horrible for you.

I really like where you've got to personally at this stage in the story of your life.  You sound well Out of the FOG and well on the way to some well deserved great life for you and the kids. You've done something incredibly important. You've resisted oppression and you've been incredibly brave.

I wish you great strength, great healing, great growth.  ❤️

[Free2Bme]

Stay strong Stillrise,

One year of divorce proceedings , as hard as that is, is better than one more year of doing nothing to change the situation.  This is progress though it may not feel that way right now. 

You will survive this.  One day you will be looking back on it.

~ Sending strength and peace your way

[Stillirise]

Stay strong Stillrise,

One year of divorce proceedings , as hard as that is, is better than one more year of doing nothing to change the situation.  This is progress though it may not feel that way right now. 

You will survive this.  One day you will be looking back on it.

~ Sending strength and peace your way

It is definitely hard to quantify just how much better things are now than a year ago.  I can assure you, it is like an entirely different world.  There are still the frustrations of trying to parent with a PD, and of trying to get this divorce across the finish line, but overall it's so much better than living it every day!

[SonofThunder]

I have nothing to add, but am interested in this post, as I may have a similar experience in the future.  I will also search for threads on a complex divorce (properties, businesses, etc..) and experiences.  Congrats on your upcoming settlement. 

SoT

[Stillirise]

I have nothing to add, but am interested in this post, as I may have a similar experience in the future.  I will also search for threads on a complex divorce (properties, businesses, etc..) and experiences.  Congrats on your upcoming settlement. 

SoT

There have been a lot of moving parts, for sure.  I have historically been the person primarily in charge of managing our assets and property on a day-to-day basis, so that's been a plus.  However, as was typical throughout the marriage, the PD would leave the organization, management and details to me, but then reserve the right to armchair quarterback, and argue about every little decision I made along the way.  It's literally happening over in another window right now, as I type this.  That's been the biggest double-edged sword of the entire settlement process.  I try to keep it framed as his disorder requires that he have someone to blame, so let him.  Meanwhile, I'm head down, doing the work to push forward. Best wishes to you!

[SonofThunder]

I have nothing to add, but am interested in this post, as I may have a similar experience in the future.  I will also search for threads on a complex divorce (properties, businesses, etc..) and experiences.  Congrats on your upcoming settlement. 

SoT

There have been a lot of moving parts, for sure.  I have historically been the person primarily in charge of managing our assets and property on a day-to-day basis, so that's been a plus.  However, as was typical throughout the marriage, the PD would leave the organization, management and details to me, but then reserve the right to armchair quarterback, and argue about every little decision I made along the way.  It's literally happening over in another window right now, as I type this.  That's been the biggest double-edged sword of the entire settlement process.  I try to keep it framed as his disorder requires that he have someone to blame, so let him.  Meanwhile, I'm head down, doing the work to push forward. Best wishes to you!

Thanks Stillrise,

I'm so very sorry you are experiencing all this but I commend you on your pushing forward in a complex divorce.  Luckily my uPDw has never been involved in my company and a few more details exist that may assist me in the business asset side of a settlement.  But, it sounds as if my situation would be very similar to your situation.  I will keep you in thought and prayer for a smoother future as you head-down through the blizzard and look forward to reading of some relief for you.

SoT

[Stillirise]

Thank you SoT, and all, for your kindness and support.  It appears the flailing and thrashing over the last round of numbers is coming to an end.  Things ended up being adjusted ever so slightly toward his favor, so he has given a verbal commitment to sign. That has been the play the entire time.  I've tried to plan so that when he inevitably argues, there's that little bit more to shift in his favor.  It might sound manipulative on my part, but it's been a necessity in getting to a settlement with this PD.  Fingers crossed for signatures!

[Boat Babe]

I don't think it's manipulative. You have had to be smart in order to get a fair settlement for you and the kids. If you had been divorcing a non PD person, things would be very different. My ex long time partner (nonPD) broke my heart when he left me for another woman but we split everything 50/50 without one single argument. That's what healthy people do.