Afraid of my dad and so confused.

[DesertRose]

I am grateful for this community and having a safe space to share my thoughts and receive feedback.

Trigger warning - references to sexual abuse and domestic violence

As I've begun to be honest with myself about my dad's role as an abuser in my family of origin, I am more and more aware that I am terrified of him. I am glad I live far away and only visit every other year or so. I speak to my mom fairly regularly, and often my dad is there too, and I like the fact that I can "hide" behind a phone. I can say I can only do an audio call if I want to, etc.

Does anyone else with a PD parent feel terrified of that parent even as an adult?

The weird thing is that I did a good job of suppressing my feelings of terror for the most part when I lived at home. If an abusive episode happened, I would try to forget it as quickly as possible so I could go back to feeling safe and happy. I kept focusing on the good parts of dad and detaching from the bad parts and the sheer terror I experienced when he was in a bad mood.

What would a normal and healthy dad have been like? I used to say "oh well no dad is perfect" - but now I think perhaps he was shockingly bad.

My dad:

- shouted unpredictability and often
- threw things in anger
- threw things at my mom
- spoke to my mom like she was garbage every single day
- called my mom names always
- spanked me with a belt a few times
- slapped my face once
- pushed my mom to the floor and broke her tail bone when she was pregnant
- pushed my mom
- used money to control the family to the point where we went to a food bank many times bc he said there was not enough for groceries (I had believed that was true as a child and young adult but now I'm not sure)
- used my credit cards and did not pay them off (but did give me financial gifts many years later)
- fondled me when I was asleep as a teenager
- tried to groom me for incest when I was a young adult  (my mom pointed it out to me and I took heed and stood up to him and called him out on inappropriate suggestions); he always tried to laugh it off)
- exposed himself to me out of nowhere  - my mom witnessed it and was simply confused and did nothing ; and I tried to pretend I hadn't seen and tried to forget it happened
- dad prevented me from going to college for 7 years.  He had me turn down a full scholarship  and hindered later attempts to go. I had to almost sneak my application to the mail man. And hid it under my bed until the mail man came.  Financially my dad prevented me from having any independence. Thank God for student loans.

The thing is,  despite all of those horrible things, it's been hard to let go bc of the good (seemingly good) times. I guess when someone is abusive, there are good and normal and happy times too. But the bad is so so bad that it ruins  everything.

I lived in total fear, but I wasn't really in touch with my fear.  My family looked perfect but I knew it was sad and broken.

What is a normal and safe dad like?

My husband and I want to give a healthy childhood to our children.

[notrightinthehead]

Seems to me that you did what you had to do to survive an abusive father. Successfully.
That fear can last a very long time - years after I left my home I would raise my arms to protect my face when a woman in my vicinity became aggressive and loud - it is hard to unlearn when once it enabled you to survive. This fear also tells you that you are not out of danger yet and it keeps you away from unhealthy people.
I have recently read a book that might be of help to you by Gibson, Adult Children of Emotionally immature parents. In the end there are lists of traits that mature people have and traits that we can work towards. 

[DesertRose]

Seems to me that you did what you had to do to survive an abusive father. Successfully.
That fear can last a very long time - years after I left my home I would raise my arms to protect my face when a woman in my vicinity became aggressive and loud - it is hard to unlearn when once it enabled you to survive. This fear also tells you that you are not out of danger yet and it keeps you away from unhealthy people.
I have recently read a book that might be of help to you by Gibson, Adult Children of Emotionally immature parents. In the end there are lists of traits that mature people have and traits that we can work towards.

That sounds extremely helpful. Thank you. I will look into getting that book. I really do need the traits spelled out to me - on a gut level I think I do generally know what is healthy and not but the problem is that I can doubt myself and I need other people to spell it out and affirm it alongside me for me to believe my gut instinct a lot of the time.

I am terrified of other people's anger and avoid conflict at all costs. I completely empathise with your wanting to cover yourself with your arms when someone around you got angry. I find loud voices and angry people extremely triggering because my dad's anger meant the threat of violence.

[blacksheep7]

I just want to say that I was also terrified of my Raging NF, even in my thirties He didn't physically abuse our M, only the kids.  A life walking on eggshells.

After NF died, NM pulled a rage on me which brought on ptsd and brought me here and the rest is history.

I read Emotionally Immature Parents, an eye-opener for ACONS.

Take care

[DesertRose]

I just want to say that I was also terrified of my Raging NF, even in my thirties He didn't physically abuse our M, only the kids.  A life walking on eggshells.

After NF died, NM pulled a rage on me which brought on ptsd and brought me here and the rest is history.

I read Emotionally Immature Parents, an eye-opener for ACONS.

Take care

Thank you so much. Really glad to know you also found that book helpful. I am going to start it today!

I am so sorry to see that you also had a life of walking on eggshells. And that the fear stayed with you so long. I am so sorry your NM raged at you. It is so wrong. When I think of moments when our home life was peaceful, it was only because we were all walking the line very well. There were times when dad was kind, times when dad was fun, but looking back that all must have been part of the cycle of abuse.

[ArmadilloKate]

:bighugs:

Your fear sounds very well founded and necessarily protective. That fear makes 100% sense to me. I'm so sorry you went through all that. None of it is ok.

Even without the physical and sexual abuse it would still I think be normal for dealing with a parent with a PD. My mom occasionally physically abused us...mostly my sister cause she was the smart a*$. But not much. She just terrified us with her own self harm. But I am physically terrified of being around her for some reason. I do not want her to touch me at all to the point of if I have to hand her something I try to position my hand so it is impossible for her to touch me. If I have to drop something off at her house and do not want to see her I am tiptoeing up to her porch terrified and sometimes have to have a friend do it for me.

It's ridiculous. But it's not,  either, is it? Our bodies our telling us to get and stay the heck away.

[blacksheep7]

I just want to say that I was also terrified of my Raging NF, even in my thirties He didn't physically abuse our M, only the kids.  A life walking on eggshells.

After NF died, NM pulled a rage on me which brought on ptsd and brought me here and the rest is history.

I read Emotionally Immature Parents, an eye-opener for ACONS.

Take care

Thank you so much. Really glad to know you also found that book helpful. I am going to start it today!

I am so sorry to see that you also had a life of walking on eggshells. And that the fear stayed with you so long. I am so sorry your NM raged at you. It is so wrong. When I think of moments when our home life was peaceful, it was only because we were all walking the line very well. There were times when dad was kind, times when dad was fun, but looking back that all must have been part of the cycle of abuse.

[DesertRose]

:bighugs:

Your fear sounds very well founded and necessarily protective. That fear makes 100% sense to me. I'm so sorry you went through all that. None of it is ok.

Even without the physical and sexual abuse it would still I think be normal for dealing with a parent with a PD. My mom occasionally physically abused us...mostly my sister cause she was the smart a*$. But not much. She just terrified us with her own self harm. But I am physically terrified of being around her for some reason. I do not want her to touch me at all to the point of if I have to hand her something I try to position my hand so it is impossible for her to touch me. If I have to drop something off at her house and do not want to see her I am tiptoeing up to her porch terrified and sometimes have to have a friend do it for me.

It's ridiculous. But it's not,  either, is it? Our bodies our telling us to get and stay the heck away.

Yes it really is amazing to know our bodies tell us so much!  I am learning to pay more attention to and recognise those signs. When people make me feel off balance - I used to think it was usually due to an issue of mine - but I realise now it might more often be due to them. Due to a childhood spent walking on eggshells I am hypersensitive to other people's emotional states.

[Leonor]

Hi Desert,

Yes, your father was shockingly, horribly bad. He physically and sexually abused you. He subjected you to the sight of your mother being beaten. He's not a safe person.

A good dad is someone who defines being a man as a wise guide, a strong protector, a generous provider, a loving spouse and a great playmate. He isn't perfect; he can be grouchy or old-fashioned or think he knows everything or get all upset about kids breaking a window or messing up his lawn, whatever, and he can even go through rough times and be unfair or withdrawn or stuff, but deep down he's a good guy and his kids know that dad is their rock and number-one fan.

A good dad would meet your dad and be concerned for your mom, worried about you and really disgusted by him.

[DesertRose]

Hi Desert,

Yes, your father was shockingly, horribly bad. He physically and sexually abused you. He subjected you to the sight of your mother being beaten. He's not a safe person.

A good dad is someone who defines being a man as a wise guide, a strong protector, a generous provider, a loving spouse and a great playmate. He isn't perfect; he can be grouchy or old-fashioned or think he knows everything or get all upset about kids breaking a window or messing up his lawn, whatever, and he can even go through rough times and be unfair or withdrawn or stuff, but deep down he's a good guy and his kids know that dad is their rock and number-one fan.

A good dad would meet your dad and be concerned for your mom, worried about you and really disgusted by him.

Thank you, Leonor. I found your post extremely helpful and affirming. Especially knowing my dad was shockingly bad. I know this but having other people affirm it really helps bc somehow that tells me that I didn't deserve to be treated the way he treated me.

A good dad sounds so wonderful and safe. I remember when two of my college friends (who were male) did some kind and thoughtful  non-romantic things that showed they valued me as a human being and respected me. It felt so strange bc I was not used to such respect and kindness. They saved a seat for me and invited me to hang out at a conference.  I tried to keep it together but I went home and cried. I was used to boys and men either flirting or trying to make moves or being sincerely interested in a relationship- but these guys had no self interest and only a sisterly a appreciation and it really was healing.

You mention a good guy would be disgusted by my dad if he knew what went on. The thing is, I do wonder if many good guys thought my dad was one of them. Since I was a child it would have been hard for me to tell.

[bets]

I know it's been a while since you posted but I had to write because I was terrified of my father. I have had a hard time finding others who were equally terrified.

My father was violent also. He punched, kicked and slapped me, many many times. He also spoke to my mother like she was garbaged and (I found out as an adult) physically abused her too.

My mom--and perhaps yours, too?--ignored this as best she was able. Never talked about it with us. Pretended it was normal. Implied that other families have "problems" like this too. But most of the time she wouldn't even acknolwedge there was a problem at all.

When he physically abused me, she dealt with it by blaming me.

So, yes, I understand being terrified, well into adulthood. I think there is good reason to be! Both these men (your father and mine) were violent. If a stranger acted that way, you'd be afraid, right?  I left home in my early twenties and never saw my father again. But I remained terrified of him--much too scared to see him--till he died ten years later. Then I felt ashamed of my fear, because everyone around me pretended he wasn't that bad.

Honestly, I delayed having kids till he was dead because I didn't feel safe enough to protect them. I did this unconsciously, but I realize now that's what I did.

I hope this helps you feel less alone.