A Little Death

[JustKeepTrying]

I don't know where to put this post.  Separating/divorcing; Co-parenting; working on self or whatever.  But I wanted to mark this moment.  I feel like in someways, I am finally clear of the fog.  This morning I am standing in the cold morning sunlight looking at my OCPDxh with very clear eyes, a little anxiety in my chest and calling bull.

I left my 32 year marriage two years ago (anniversary in a few weeks.). Divorce final in January 20.  Three adult children.  I gave him several extensions on the sale of the house and then the pandemic hit and I granted him an extension until this fall.  In light of the changes in the pandemic, I emailed and revoked that extension citing that now is the best time to sell for the best price for the house.  He is stalling.  Stonewalling.  Manipulating.  Throwing every road block in my way - I had covid and am so sick; I committed to the kids and if I move now it will mess up them; you promised; etc.  Ugh.  It has been one vague attempt after another to hold on to this house. 

I finally see his behavior for the disordered personality that it is.  His vague threat and push for emotional manipulation so that I either say "Oh no, your'e sick, can I help?" Or "Oh no, the kids need me, can I help?"  Or "Oh no, I feel guilty I did say that."  I can hear his voice when I read the email and the menace or cold slap of ice.

During previous email exchanges I held my ground and said no.  I was proud I said no and didn't give in.  I could see his manipulation.  But the last email was a bit different.  My one daughter is having trouble right now and selling the house would place an undue burden on her for reasons I was unaware.  I thought it was resolved.  But he didn't resolve it.  Instead he made vague threats and reasons and forced me to call her and ask - putting me in a difficult position with her.  Putting me in a position that could erode our relationship further - just like he wants.  Ugh.

No more.  I did agree to delay the house yet I called him out over it.  I told him with a copy and past - this is emotional manipulation.  I also told him that your vague description is not helpful and is obstructionist.  I drew a very clear line and told him to get his act together.  Find another place soon so we can fix this house and sell it.  I was clear and unemotional.  I called bull.

This morning my anxiety is high.  I am so triggered.  I am running it through in my head over and over so I thought I would post.  I need the support now more than ever.  Sometime in the next six weeks I will need to see him as our youngest two graduate from high school and college respectively. I know this - but I no longer think - is there a chance he will change?  I no longer mourn for the man I thought I knew.  He is dead and there is nothing there for me.  I no longer see him and wish.  Such a push and pull.  I feel the anxiety of seeing him yet feel the relief of that little death.  So, I choose now to celebrate a little victory.  It is finally over in my heart and head.

[ChillNow]

Good for you!

That kind of clarity is powerful.  It will see you through the rest. 

He would stall just as long as possible, but you've now taken charge so that's not going to happen.  I'm proud of you for that.  Your steely determination will pay off.

[Free2Bme]

justkeeptrying,

You can do what you must for your DD, and separate it from updxh demands/stunts.  This way you have peace in your heart about HER, as this is the relationship you are preserving.  If he benefits in some small way then, whatever, let that go for the greater good. 

The 'little death' is big progress, sad that it has to be this way, but better to move forward with acceptance.  I'm mostly there, but still get triggered on occasion.  I don't think of updxh much at all, until of course I have to encounter him.  DS graduated last year and due to Covid, updxh and I were required to sit together (with our other 3 children) in a cordoned section at the venue  , it was strange.  I guess there is a use for dissociation/depersonalization in these situations, lol.

You will get through these graduations.  Keep reminding yourself of how far you have come, and don't let the past steel the blessings of the celebration with your children.

Take care