Fear/Anxiety, Running Away, Starting Over, Rinse & Repeat

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BefuddledClarity

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Fear/Anxiety, Running Away, Starting Over, Rinse & Repeat
« on: April 14, 2021, 04:07:20 AM »
Was curious if others feel this way?

Anytime I make small mistake or perceive that I upset someone or messed up with something I usually feel very anxious, then I have the feeling of running away and starting over...

Most recent example of anxiety---I spoke with the daycare lady's daughter and we officially met(I actually remembered her prior, but she did not remember me so it felt awkward when I said I remember you and the daycare lady said "I don't think you met my daughter and the daughter said same...).

Anyways, daycare lady asked what my job was and I mentioned what particular job title I am in finance field. Daycare lady mentions "Oh that's so good! So nice, my daughter works at [fastfood restaurant name]" I don't know how to react since I'm awkward so I pretty much nod my head and say thats nice. Then her daughter ask me if certain companies are good to work at which I say I do not know. I awkwardly bring up last company I worked and said I don't recommend there,but my stepMiL works at [different company name] and it's nice there".


The daughter change her tune with me and looks a bit disappointed and doesn't look at me after. Idk if I said something wrong? So I feel awkward, I pick up my kid and leave. I don't really like to talk about my work, because a) I'm indifferent to it b) all it does is pay the bills and c) I don't like how people perceive me a certain way based on the job "Oh WOW that's a good job!!!' yeah...it is...but it's not my passion...

I have had friends ask me to recommend them jobs from job offers I received. I don't know if maybe I was too much when I recommended that job? Now I feel stupid anxiety...and I even had the "runaway" thought of going to a different daycare for making someone feel bad and for embarrassing myself/other person and "starting over" which isn't a logical thought at all.


I felt like running away all my life. I wanted to remain childless and single and move to different country to escape my family, because I felt that much burden.

Everywhere I went, I felt like they followed me and I couldn't escape....I moved around so much from town to city, state to state. They always find me.

I've always dreamt of moving to a different country that has similar lifestyle as myself or ideals but haven't yet since I have a family now(partner and child). I feel trapped...like I'm drowning sometimes and can't live my dreams but also...how do I face my fears and stop being selfish for thinking this way? Of just running...away all the time.

Do you guys feel the same way? How do you cope?

I made a previous thread about anger---I was recommended journalling so I will try doing that again. I just need to make sure I find time in the day---just like I do for these posts actually... And working out again. Was wondering how do you mentally combat these illogical thoughts or try to rationalize it when it's intrusive? Do you listen to it or drown it out with music? Do you try to change the subject in your brain?

I may have to cut out caffeine again so it doesn't raise my anxiety levels. I used to drink 5 cups or more of coffee a day...nowadays it's just 1 a day with 2 being the maximum I'll drink in a day which I rarely go to 2 cups. Perhaps cutting it completely out will help?

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BefuddledClarity

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Re: Fear/Anxiety, Running Away, Starting Over, Rinse & Repeat
« Reply #1 on: April 14, 2021, 01:36:13 PM »
Sorry for double posting---My lizard brain gets paranoid so easy. Everything is good with the daycare. Idk why I made a big deal out of it.... :-[

I used to get panic attacks back in the day until I cut off coffee. :stars:

Just don't want to experience anxiety again when I thought it was gone for good.

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Thru the Rain

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Re: Fear/Anxiety, Running Away, Starting Over, Rinse & Repeat
« Reply #2 on: April 14, 2021, 03:29:35 PM »
What you're experiencing sounds exactly like my husband's experiences. A lot of anxiety and second guessing of conversations and wanting to run away.

What helps is giving himself permission to take a break from people, which sometimes he does.

Also, to put everything in perspective - most people are very focused on their own thoughts and feelings, and likely don't even remember specifics of what you said during a conversation. You sound like a lovely, kind and well-intentioned person who would never set out to hurt another person. I think that comes through even if an encounter is awkward. Give yourself permission to be a human being, and allow yourself the possibility that you haven't hurt anyone through these casual conversations.

And one more thing I wanted to add. I too have had friends and acquaintances ask if I could pass along job leads to them. I've shared (kindly) my education and background, and asked if that fits their background (knowing it doesn't). When they say No, I can respond with "I'm pretty sure that job isn't a good fit for you then."

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Andeza

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Re: Fear/Anxiety, Running Away, Starting Over, Rinse & Repeat
« Reply #3 on: April 14, 2021, 06:19:46 PM »
Hey Befuddled, it's all right to feel a bit of anxiety. Perfectly normal even. What we watch for in ourselves is habits of anxiety. That is to say your past experiences formed this response "rut" that can be easily fallen into. In other words, because of negative outcomes, your brain hardwired to *expect* negative outcomes and now anticipates that sort of outcome regardless of the accuracy of the expectation. Our minds form patterns and habits and create routines. We just don't usually think of a negative response as being a habit. We typically think of habits as being an action.

However, as with habits that are actions, just like brushing your teeth every morning or grabbing a cup of coffee, if we want to change we can. The easiest way to change a habit, and rewire your brain, is to alter it a tiny bit at a time. So say next time the anxiety rises up, you do one thing differently. Right now, these thoughts invade and you react to them with increasing anxiety levels. What if, every time you start to have these thoughts, you stop what you're doing and take two or three minutes to focus on breathing and jot down what you feel, and why you feel it. Then set it aside and come back to it later to examine it in more detail if you desire. Or, perhaps you stop what you're doing and go make a cup of tea, something calming like chamomile or rose or somesuch (and caffeine free :bigwink:). The simple act of involving your hands in a process forces the mind to switch tracks for a moment and may be all that is required to start working out of the rut.
Remember, that there are no real deadlines for life, just society's pressures.      - Anonymous

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Cat of the Canals

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Re: Fear/Anxiety, Running Away, Starting Over, Rinse & Repeat
« Reply #4 on: April 15, 2021, 02:21:21 PM »
I have social anxiety and tend to do a lot of what you describe: over-analyzing tiny things like someone's facial expression, wondering if I might have said the wrong thing and not realized it and the only reason the person didn't make a face is because they are too polite, realizing I *should* have said THIS instead of THAT...

It's exhausting! No wonder I keep my social outings to a minimum.  :upsidedown:

I stumbled across this Toolbox article about Stinkin' Thinkin' a few weeks ago and thought, "Oh wow... I do this all the time without even realizing it!" My favorite part is the second half that has a list of tools for combating it: https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/13/stinkin-thinkin-the-ten-forms-of-twisted-thinking


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JustKeepTrying

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Re: Fear/Anxiety, Running Away, Starting Over, Rinse & Repeat
« Reply #5 on: April 21, 2021, 01:44:34 AM »
Quite some time ago, back in the Jurassic era  ;), I had a very social job.  Constantly.  I would fret over all my interactions and having to tell my OCPDexh about them.  I would second guess those interactions from my job as well as high school, college, and on.  Social anxiety is what my therapist called it.  But, she also said that it could be anxiety just spilling over.

I listen to books on tape, podcasts, and tv shows for those times when my mind goes into overdrive - like those moments washing dishes when you aren't mentally engaged but need the distraction so you don't overthink the day?  It helps.

You sound perfectly normal to me.  I am preparing to travel full-time in a few months.  Nothing to keep me here.  Or really anywhere.  I know that a part of it is the need to run away.  I'm OK with that though.

Since I left my ex, those social anxieties are beginning to recede.  Also, I am in therapy and EMDR helped really heal my trauma.  By tending to that trauma, my other anxiety has lessened.  I still fret about some interactions but it's getting easier, farther between, and fewer.

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pianissimo

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Re: Fear/Anxiety, Running Away, Starting Over, Rinse & Repeat
« Reply #6 on: April 21, 2021, 12:41:28 PM »
I often feel like running away and starting over too. I still feel like it. It sometimes feels like there are so many things to worry about and I'm not good at managing things. Also, sometimes annoying things happen that seem to prove that I'm indeed bad at handling things. I usually check out YouTube videos about how I feel. I find Julia Kristina's videos quite helpful. It helps me see things a bit more realistically.

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blacksheep7

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Re: Fear/Anxiety, Running Away, Starting Over, Rinse & Repeat
« Reply #7 on: April 21, 2021, 02:08:18 PM »
I was diagnosed with Gad (general anxiety disorder) in my thirties.

Anxiety ruled most of my adult life with the beliefs of my childhood abusers, always second guessing myself in my actions and conversations.  No one to give me that confidence I lacked.

Through therapy,  group support, journaling and reading one book: Dr David Burns Feeling Good which I still have  and used as reference for depression, anxiety & mood disorders.  It has the 10 forms of twisted thinking mentionned by Cat of the Canals.  Check them out.

I don't really like to talk about my work, because a) I'm indifferent to it b) all it does is pay the bills and c) I don't like how people perceive me a certain way based on the job "Oh WOW that's a good job!!!' yeah...it is...but it's not my passion...
Same here, too many people define a person by their work.  I worked in a big company that everyone knows but my neighbours do not have to know.  I am a very private person now when necessary.

I am a big coffee drinker and still enjoy it as I've worked through my anxiety by building my self-esteem, especially when I decided to go nc with NM as it came back late in life, with good reason.

You will get through it and will be able to enjoy your coffee once again ;)

I may be the black sheep of the family, but some of the white sheep are not as white as they try to appear.

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BefuddledClarity

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Re: Fear/Anxiety, Running Away, Starting Over, Rinse & Repeat
« Reply #8 on: April 21, 2021, 03:47:36 PM »
What you're experiencing sounds exactly like my husband's experiences. A lot of anxiety and second guessing of conversations and wanting to run away.

What helps is giving himself permission to take a break from people, which sometimes he does.

Also, to put everything in perspective - most people are very focused on their own thoughts and feelings, and likely don't even remember specifics of what you said during a conversation. You sound like a lovely, kind and well-intentioned person who would never set out to hurt another person. I think that comes through even if an encounter is awkward. Give yourself permission to be a human being, and allow yourself the possibility that you haven't hurt anyone through these casual conversations.

And one more thing I wanted to add. I too have had friends and acquaintances ask if I could pass along job leads to them. I've shared (kindly) my education and background, and asked if that fits their background (knowing it doesn't). When they say No, I can respond with "I'm pretty sure that job isn't a good fit for you then."


Hey, thanks!

I don't know what happened because my anxiety has been (mostly) gone for so long and crept back up out of nowhere when that moment happened. Used to get severe panic attacks. My guess is caffeine + stress?

I don't mind sharing the job apps, but I won't do anything extra...Some of the people who ask---I've seen how they work and I can't vouch for them. So I give them app and let them figure it out from there.

Hey Befuddled, it's all right to feel a bit of anxiety. Perfectly normal even. What we watch for in ourselves is habits of anxiety. That is to say your past experiences formed this response "rut" that can be easily fallen into. In other words, because of negative outcomes, your brain hardwired to *expect* negative outcomes and now anticipates that sort of outcome regardless of the accuracy of the expectation. Our minds form patterns and habits and create routines. We just don't usually think of a negative response as being a habit. We typically think of habits as being an action.

However, as with habits that are actions, just like brushing your teeth every morning or grabbing a cup of coffee, if we want to change we can. The easiest way to change a habit, and rewire your brain, is to alter it a tiny bit at a time. So say next time the anxiety rises up, you do one thing differently. Right now, these thoughts invade and you react to them with increasing anxiety levels. What if, every time you start to have these thoughts, you stop what you're doing and take two or three minutes to focus on breathing and jot down what you feel, and why you feel it. Then set it aside and come back to it later to examine it in more detail if you desire. Or, perhaps you stop what you're doing and go make a cup of tea, something calming like chamomile or rose or somesuch (and caffeine free :bigwink:). The simple act of involving your hands in a process forces the mind to switch tracks for a moment and may be all that is required to start working out of the rut.

What confused me is that my anxiety that's been long gone for awhile crept up out of nowhere. :stars: I downloaded a habit tracker app and have been drinking more water lately thanks to it!  ;D I'll keep trying to create better habits.

I have social anxiety and tend to do a lot of what you describe: over-analyzing tiny things like someone's facial expression, wondering if I might have said the wrong thing and not realized it and the only reason the person didn't make a face is because they are too polite, realizing I *should* have said THIS instead of THAT...

It's exhausting! No wonder I keep my social outings to a minimum.  :upsidedown:

I stumbled across this Toolbox article about Stinkin' Thinkin' a few weeks ago and thought, "Oh wow... I do this all the time without even realizing it!" My favorite part is the second half that has a list of tools for combating it: https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/13/stinkin-thinkin-the-ten-forms-of-twisted-thinking


Oh dang, I forgot about that list! A year or two ago, my prior therapist provided me a link with the same list. :blink: I will have to revisit it again whenever I feel anxious.

Quite some time ago, back in the Jurassic era  ;), I had a very social job.  Constantly.  I would fret over all my interactions and having to tell my OCPDexh about them.  I would second guess those interactions from my job as well as high school, college, and on.  Social anxiety is what my therapist called it.  But, she also said that it could be anxiety just spilling over.

I listen to books on tape, podcasts, and tv shows for those times when my mind goes into overdrive - like those moments washing dishes when you aren't mentally engaged but need the distraction so you don't overthink the day?  It helps.

You sound perfectly normal to me.  I am preparing to travel full-time in a few months.  Nothing to keep me here.  Or really anywhere.  I know that a part of it is the need to run away.  I'm OK with that though.

Since I left my ex, those social anxieties are beginning to recede.  Also, I am in therapy and EMDR helped really heal my trauma.  By tending to that trauma, my other anxiety has lessened.  I still fret about some interactions but it's getting easier, farther between, and fewer.

Thanks! I just hope I don't sound daft---when I tell people I don't like to stay in one place or how I feel about it, they tell me they prefer settling down...

I guess I'm like this because of how I grew up. I was stuck in a very small town, was the only daughter out of sons, pretty much locked up in my room everyday. Couldn't go out on my own without my brothers there or unless it's school related ... When I left home in my younger years, I felt free and travelled a lot. Now that I have a family of my own, and dealing with toxic people again in my life, I want to fly free... What is EDMR therapy?

I often feel like running away and starting over too. I still feel like it. It sometimes feels like there are so many things to worry about and I'm not good at managing things. Also, sometimes annoying things happen that seem to prove that I'm indeed bad at handling things. I usually check out YouTube videos about how I feel. I find Julia Kristina's videos quite helpful. It helps me see things a bit more realistically.

Yes, I've been feeling the need to be free lately. I'm stuck around toxic people and my support system lives elsewhere---but I can always make new friends in a less toxic environment!

I shall check out Julia Kristina's videos!  :)

I was diagnosed with Gad (general anxiety disorder) in my thirties.

Anxiety ruled most of my adult life with the beliefs of my childhood abusers, always second guessing myself in my actions and conversations.  No one to give me that confidence I lacked.

Through therapy,  group support, journaling and reading one book: Dr David Burns Feeling Good which I still have  and used as reference for depression, anxiety & mood disorders.  It has the 10 forms of twisted thinking mentionned by Cat of the Canals.  Check them out.

I don't really like to talk about my work, because a) I'm indifferent to it b) all it does is pay the bills and c) I don't like how people perceive me a certain way based on the job "Oh WOW that's a good job!!!' yeah...it is...but it's not my passion...
Same here, too many people define a person by their work.  I worked in a big company that everyone knows but my neighbours do not have to know.  I am a very private person now when necessary.

I am a big coffee drinker and still enjoy it as I've worked through my anxiety by building my self-esteem, especially when I decided to go nc with NM as it came back late in life, with good reason.

You will get through it and will be able to enjoy your coffee once again ;)


I find your post very comforting and relatable, thanks! I honestly stopped drinking coffee because my partner made a big deal about it. Before we met, MANY years back, I used to drink about 5-7 cups of coffee PER DAY. In my country, it's common to have with every meal. I took it a step further and had coffee with my snacks too.

Anyways, I stopped and only ever really have 1 coffee a day or 2 max...My partner gets on my case because I've complained about his drinking issue and occasional substance abuse. He compares coffee & alcohol as one in the same because they're both addicting, but I don't get violent or act crazy drinking coffee...quite the opposite hah. But anyways...Been dehydrated too though based in where I'm located in this current country. Weather is VERY HOT and dry, I try to drink more water.

I'll have to check out that book some time! Also yes, I used to have severe anxiety in my teens to early 20s due to how I grew up too! I'd have panic attacks quite often while I'm college. It was upsetting...and scary experiencing it.

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JustKeepTrying

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Re: Fear/Anxiety, Running Away, Starting Over, Rinse & Repeat
« Reply #9 on: April 21, 2021, 05:29:20 PM »
https://www.emdr.com/what-is-emdr/

For me, EMDR saved my life.  I have been diagnosed with PTSD and up to the beginning of the treatment, I had daily non-epileptic seizures and bouts of aphasia.  My children were afraid to leave me alone and there was discussion of getting a nurse or putting me in a home at the age of 52.  I know now that as the book title - my body was keeping score.  Since I started therapy and EMDR, no seizures or aphasia - until I saw my ex and that night - all night on and off - seizures.  After a day, I was fine.  The EMDR addressed my specific traumatic events and with each session, the anxiety decreased/seizures slowed, and funny enough, I started to come Out of the FOG.  I can now draw parallels from my childhood abuse to my college rape to my OCPDexh.  And in between a diagnosis of stage IV cancer with no family history of cancer - a doctor suspected long-term stress may have caused it.  I also struggle with fibro and other things. 

But now, out of the marriage and on the verge of a new life and start, with that constant moving you mention and desire to run away, I can indulge and run away and as far as I wish.  At least until I figure out what I want.

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1footouttadefog

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Re: Fear/Anxiety, Running Away, Starting Over, Rinse & Repeat
« Reply #10 on: April 28, 2021, 02:26:05 AM »
You do sound anxious. I hope you will find that te to work out, and also take some time to relax and practice self care.

You mentioned having a desire to move to another place so you can live a chosen lifestyle.

Is it possible you can  change some areas of your daily life to comfort with your dreams.  Perhaps a partial life makeover could add some meaning that you long for.

Additionally, it may be valuable to seek medical attention for how you are feeling.  There could be a chemical or hormonal challenge that could be adjusted with medical treatment until you can get back to feeling better.