How did you handle settlement offers? Advice?

[Bunnyme]

I mentioned in the other thread that my attorney has said that my stbx's attorney has promised to pay for my lawyer to draft a settlement agreement.  She said she will pay and he will pay her.  Until this transpires, I will be billed for it, but my attorney insists I shouldn't worry about it.  Um, has she been asleep for the past year?
Anyway, I'm torn now.  I dont think he will make an offer, but I also dont want to pay for an offer I know he wont sign.  It is like a big game of chicken.  Mine is asking what I want for visitation, assets, etc.   I don't even know what to say... (I did tell her to put drafting something on hold until his side puts it in writing that they are paying.)   He basically has ZERO incentive to settle, except that he wont want to make any disclosures or have me air his dirty laundry. 
Have any of you had success getting a PD to agree to something?  Do I ask for more than I want to leave room to negotiate?  I'm so 

[Rose1]

The only time I ever had my bpdexh agree to anything was when there was something in it for him.
Maybe you can find that lever

[hhaw]

In my case, I would never have shown up to a settlement conference without agreeing ahead to WRITE OUT ANY AGREEMENT BY HAND WITH ALL PARTIES SIGNING SAID AGREEMENT RIGHT THERE.  MY ATTORNEY WOULD THEN WALK THAT AGREEMENT TO THE CLERK'S OFFICE, GET IT FILED AND PLACE STAMPED COPIES IN MY HANDS.

That assumes the PD would agree at the discussion, but AT LEAST YOU AREN'T FAFFING ABOUT, WASTING TIME AND PAYING ATTORNEYS TO DICKER, GET YOU TO GIVE EVERYTHING, BC EVERYONE KNOWS THE PD IS PATHOLOGICALLY UNABLE TO BE FAIR, THEN SPEND WEEKS DICKERING OVER THE LANGUAGE IN THE AGREEMENT, WHILE PAYING BOTH ATTORNEYS.....
THEN HAVE THE PD SHRUG AND SAY HE WANTS TO GO TO TRIAL AFTER ALL.  GRRRRRR.  I still owe 40K to my second divorce attorney for fees incurred "crafting" a settlement agreement my PD refused to sign, surprise surprise.

Even if the PD refuses to settle and sign at the meeting, at least HE's the obvious fly in the ointment dragging things out and forcing a trial while you appear reasonable and motivated to settle, ime.

Sometimes attorneys screw over clients who tick them off.  This happened with my PD's first divorce attirney.  The guy sent us forged documents and outed my ASPD. 

The other good thing is everybody talks.  Attorneys talk to clerks and deputies and they talk to Judges, possibly your Judge. 

Before attending any settlement conference have a bare minimum list of what you have to have to stay sane....mostly to do with custody and visitation in my case.

Don't waste the entire day DICKERING.  Pick and choose things you k,ow the PD wants and give them up for the things you need.

If he says no to your bottom line list, the meeting can be over, ime.

Just make sure you always make this about the children, their best interests and doing everything for them.  It's difficult to twist your arm and make you the bad guy refusing to settle and forcing a trial if you're the consistent, stable SUPER reasonable litigant/PARENT at the table.

Practice the phrases you'll use when pressured or challenged to give up your bottom line list.

Typically everyone starts pressuring the only sane litigant in the room bc everyone wants to scrape their plate clean of your case and skip a trial, ime.

Just keep referring them back to your children, the reasons you're sticking to your guns and your inability to compromise to their detriment.

Oh.....it also helps to appear super eager to settle, but all the while be ready for trial.

Document always......never stop until you have a filed and stamped copy of Settlement in hand!

Never cancel a court date, bc the PD agreed to settle....not until you have a filed and stamped copy in your hand!

You can limit the time, expense and trauma of divorcing a PD if you do the above things, ime.

Also, assume your PD is pathologically unable to settle anything and view a quick trial as your fastest way out of divorce court.  Just remember to always appear eager to settle, even if you know your PD won't.

Ask for that handwritten agreement at the conference, be reasonable and prepared for trial then observe likely outcome without riding the emotional roller coaster of having dashed hopes of avoiding trial crash over you, maybe many times.  This is particularly devastating if you don't keep up with trial prep then have to panic and catch up while the kids suffer.

And breathe....deeply....often....focus on your breathe to calm yourself down.

The PD wants you in fight or flight mode.  He'll say and do crazy things to unhinged you....then point at you to prove you're crazy...just like he said.

Don't help his cause.

Distance yourself emotionally.  Keep your supporters close.  Decide on your list of must haves and try not to waste too much time DICKERING if the PD refuses your overtly reasonable requests.

That's all you can do, ime.

And know....if you do your trial prep.....PDs typically don't, ime.

They make many accusations and bold lies then find themselves exposed in the bright light of a courtroom, ime.  I've seen it....wanted to cover my eyes it was so....
shameful.

You'll only discuss what you can prove.  You'll always have your proof and documents when you need them.  Bring everything to court, even if you leave some boxes in the trunk, you'll have them if you need them.

Do not fear trial.  It's the quickest way to end divorce he'll with a PD, ime.

You're going to be IK.  This too shall pass.

Do all you can to prepare, then put it down and look your kids in the eye.  Build a fort, tell stories with a flashlight under your chin and dance with them.

Don't let the PD take ANYTHING ELSE FROM YOU.

Be present in these moments with your children. Ask them how they're doing.  Better yet, ask them what they think, then listen when they talk; )

There will be highs and lows to this.  Expect them.  Don't allow them to throw you off your game.

Good luck,

[Call Me Cordelia]

I don't have much experience with divorce. But if your husband is paying your attorney, she's working for him. No.

[GettingOOTF]

I wanted one thing out of the divorce - all my assets. I basically let him think I really cared about the other stuff, we fought a bit over it and he left feeling like he'd won.  He took things that were 100% mine, he'd never shown any interest in etc. With my ex it was a case of letting him think he was the Big Man.  My ex dragged the divorce out for ages. Then I got lucky and he moved in with his GF and was suddenly motivated to legally divorced. My advice to anyone getting divorced is to be crystal clear on what you want and do what ever it takes to get it.

I hardly remember the "stuff" he took. I'm getting ready to quit my job and go into early semi-retirement because I kept my assets and was careful and able to grow them once I was free of my ex.  I guess I'm saying try not to get caught up in all of this. He will play games for as long as he can. It's who and what he is. My ex did some really crazy stuff towards the end.

You know your ex better than any attorney. I'd see how this round plays out and if there is no settlement then I'd start putting my foot down with her.

Do you know what your non negotiables are? With my ex as soon as he knew what I wanted that's what he went after. I totally played down the financial stuff. I never mentioned it and changed the subject when he brought it up.

[sevenyears]

If your stbx is willing to pay the attorney costs to draw up a settlement agreement, why would s/he pay your attorney instead of his/hers?

With a PD it's best to follow the KISS principle (Keep It Super Simple). IME my UNOCPDXH likes to make complicated arrangements that are nearly impossible to follow.

It sounds to me like your PD wants to shaft you for a lot of money. In my view, you need to decide whether to have settlement talks with him or her. At the very least, get his/her offer in writing before negotiations start and then insist that is a clause in the settlement contract before continuing with any other points.

[noregrets]

I haven't been on here in awhile but I'm so glad I saw this thread.  I'm in the final settlement negotiation stage of our divorce. We've been married 29 years and separated for 5. We own multiple businesses together so it's really complicated to split everything up.  We have spent months and thousands of dollars on mediation and business valuations and property appraisals. Every time he doesn't like the result, he calls the appraiser or valuator an idiot or dumbass and hires another one to be done.  I am meeting with both my attorneys this week to respond to his offer and/or draft an offer of my own to present to him.  And I know it's just more wasted time and money. He's never going to agree to anything. Or he'll finally agree and then continue to negotiate the terms after.  So ending up in court is inevitable.

I am buying a new house and needed him to agree with my selling my current home since it's still technically marital assets. He said he would with no strings attached (due to pressure from our grown children) and then proceeded to place two different sets of conditions on his signing.  I told him we would just petition the judge instead and explain that he had agreed but now was trying to negotiate terms, and he backed off and agreed to sign if I agreed to go to non-binding arbitration if we don't have an agreement by a certain date.  So I let him have that little victory and agreed.  I have found that I have to find ways to let him feel like he is winning.

The craziest part is that things will not go well for him if we end up in court.  There are lots of conduct issues he doesn't want to be exposed.  He says he doesn't care anymore, so for me not to think I have that as a threat to hold over him. However, he literally had a meltdown when my attorney used some standard legal language in the agreement for me to sell my house that he thought reflected poorly on him.  I'm not sure how he's not going to be bothered by the years of cheating and prostitutes being discussed in court.

I've heard the only thing worse than being married to a PD is getting divorced from one and I'm living that reality.

[LiftingFog]

hhaw gave excellent advice!

The best time to reach an agreement is when everyone is in the same room (or on zoom).  Your ex will be on his best behavior because he wants to look agreeable and reasonable.  That's when the settlement agreement needs to be signed, even if it's handwritten.

Good luck!

[Stillirise]

Excellent advice above. I would like to add, about your specific situation, our attorneys also agreed that mine would handle the documents.  I was good with it. She’s more thorough, organized, and frankly, I believe she’s smarter than his lawyer, who I suspect is an ok lawyer, but a little lazy.  She defers to me, when there’s a question about how something should go. She is on my side.  She is also very upfront with me about costs, and plans to ask that all costs be split between parties in the end.  If it ends up costing me a little extra, it’s a price I’ll be willing to pay, I suppose.

Edited to add, also as others have said, decide on your “wants” and your “must haves.”  Write them down. Start negotiations on the side of getting much of what you want. Then, be ready to draw a line and stand your ground on the must-haves.  Eye on the prize.

[Penny Lane]

Stillirise makes a really good point. There is a lot of value in having your lawyer be the one to draft it. Two lawyers can approach the same broad agreement and come up with very different language to implement it. And I think you want your lawyer to be the one who's making those calls. I would take the win and let your lawyer do the drafting.

But it sounds like you don't have a settlement agreement, he wants you to send him a settlement offer? There is also value in this - your offer sets the baseline for the negotiations, which is much better than starting from a (probably ridiculous) place that he's coming from.

Even if he isn't going to pay your lawyer (which, I agree, that offer is suspect and strange) I think you could get a lot out of sending him an offer right now.

[LiftingFog]

To add to PennyLane's excellent post, that's what I've done - have my lawyer draw up the settlement agreement. 

When I first "lawyered up", the very first settlement offer given to my STBxh was for nearly twice the amount that I was willing to settle for.  It was a good starting point for negotiations and now that we have an agreement, it's for the amount I originally had in my head. 

[SonofThunder]

I have nothing to add, but am very interested in this thread.   I wish you the very best.

SoT