PD says I'm conflict avoidant

[sevenyears]

This has been the pattern since I told then UNOCPDH (now XH!) that I wanted a divorce four years ago:

I say I want something (divorce, for our son to attend a specific school, etc), and that I want to discuss it in mediation. He avoids mediation and starts triangulating the children. He makes cooperation so difficult that I have no choice but to turn to the courts for help. Meanwhile, he tells the courts and everyone in the system that I'm conflict avoidant, and that I'm the problem since I won't cooperate with him.

In the country where we are located (he is a citizen, I'm an immigrant), one of the reasons for sole custody is that the parents can't cooperate enough for co-parenting. He has the judge and the GALs believing that he is the FOTY and the best thing since sliced bread for the children, and that I am the problem. And, he is also using our daughter's aggression to falsely accuse me of hurting the children.

What is your experience? How do you show that your PD generates constant conflict, and that it's bad for the children (in our case almost 6, and 9)? How do you protect yourself against false accusations?

[Empie2204]

The thing you ask is difficult to achieve when the other side has his network of supporters and knows the system. Still, not impossible.
You have to create you supporting network, be what you are and have people who can confirm that you are cooperative and good mother.
Besides, inform yourself well about all legal matters.
You mention you are an immigrant in his country, but I hope you have some circle of people who you can call your friends or fair observers.
I wish you all the best.

[sevenyears]

Thank you Empie. I should also mention that it is absurd that he thinks I am conflict avoidant. I have a healthy attitude about conflict. It is unhealthy when it is All. The. Time.

Unfortunately, I don't have much of a support network of friends or fair observers. Most of them were parents of the kids my kids used to play with in the neighborhood. I lost them when I moved out. For the last two years, they have contact only with UNOCPD XH, who uses them for his supply. I started rebuilding my network, but it's been slow going and then stalled essentially as we've been in lockdown for so long now.... sigh. You're right though, I need to concentrate on building my own network.

And, I try to stay up on legal matters. I now have a good L, and there are several support groups that give advice. How things should be and how they are in reality are two different things.

[Empie2204]

The important thing is that you use all the possibilities you have.

As for his claims that you are conflict avoidant, hmm. That´s his viewpoint. Even if you were, what are his reasons for mentioning that to everybody? It looks like a typical PD provocation - sick. Besides, he feels entitled to judge you. Probably from his godly throne where no one can judge him.

I agree that being conflict avoidant is not the same as being reasonable.

[Fortuna]

I haven't been in this situation but I thought of a couple of things that might help.

Have a written record of every conversation, so either converse through text/email, record your phone calls and conversations (check your local laws, in US it's done by state, you may need 2 party consent, or at least acknowledgement that they are being recorded. ) That way you can show that you have started a topic, have checked in, tried to get him to respond, even specifically mention that you need him to say it to you and to not go through the kids. Recording can help a judge show his tone and volume level, and how often he dismisses the topic and so on.

Mark appointments for mediation on the calendar, show the court he's not showing up.

When he triangulates through the kids maybe have the kid write down what he told them. Then you have evidence that he went through the kids instead of being an adult and dealing with you directly.

Make sure you are doing everything you can to mitigate your daughters aggression though working with the school teachers/counselors, having her in therapy, researching parenting methods to calmly deal with a child's anger/outbursts.

Conflict avoidant is never dealing with something because it might cause conflict, you on the other hand are trying to deal with things calmly with mediation for the benefit of your children. Best of luck.