Has anyone considered a mediatior?

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Ilove....

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Has anyone considered a mediatior?
« on: April 18, 2021, 10:04:09 AM »
My sister estranged herself a number of years ago.   I respected the estrangement but in time she started to lash out in any way she could do.  A lot of that lashing out was completely inappropriate. For example:

1000s of bad abusive messages,
Acts of revenge like dumping details on fake selling ads,
Other disturbed messages,
And just so much completely inappropriate behaviour.   The majority done by electronic means and behind the safety of whatever screen she hides behind.
We havent been in each others lifes for years but all her focus is still on me and the rest of the family too.  She fell out with others too for different reasons.   

The thing is, this is her.  This is her personality, true and true.   She makes mountains out of a molehill.   There's a saying that comes to mind - you choose battles in life - or something like that.   She chooses to cause a fight and a battle out of everything. Then she carries everything around.   Like when we fell out a number of years ago, she managed to throw old rows right back at me nevermind that she too would have had her own part to play in all that.  I know now that is a control tactic that some abusers use.   She managed to dig up stuff that had nothing to do with us falling out.

There is NC from me.   Sometimes some of her messages creep through the measures implemented for blocking this and for safety.   A lot of them are just bad messages - insults, threats, dirt and demands for explanations and apologies and acknowledgments. 

I tried an olive branch with her before but it didn't work so left it and I realised that this is her battle. That was a little bit over three years ago.

I often thought about mediation and getting a mediator involved.  All I want if for all this to stop and for peace.  I haven't let my wishes known to my sister because if she knew she would just laugh and it would fuel her more.  So NC with her.

I'm thinking would a mediatior help the situation?   Would she be as brave insulating me in the presence of another person or professional in the room?  I don't know. 

A lot of the stuff from her is very heavy handed. At one stage she was annoyed with me because I wasn't angry with her at our mother for not being allowed swimming lessons as children.   I wrote about choosing battles above. It comes in here a little bit.  That was a non issue for me. It was decades ago and doesn't have an impact on my life.  Complete non issue for me.  She wanted me to own it with her. Would anything ever be fixed with her through a mediator.

On another hand I think getting a mediatior involved is ridiculous.  It's not like we are exes with kids and property to share.

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Leonor

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Re: Has anyone considered a mediatior?
« Reply #1 on: April 18, 2021, 03:58:56 PM »
 :no:

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Boat Babe

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Re: Has anyone considered a mediatior?
« Reply #2 on: April 18, 2021, 05:51:42 PM »
If your sister has a PD she is very unlikely to change. The chances of her even agreeing to mediation are slim, she would probably try to hijack the process if she did accept to go it and you would be no better off after. Probably you would be further hurt and traumatised.

I think you have not yet fully given up hope that one day she will come to her senses and that you will have a healthy relationship. I do understand this. It is what keeps us in relationships with loved ones who hurt us for way too long.

Sending hugs.
It gets better. It has to.

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Ilove....

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Re: Has anyone considered a mediatior?
« Reply #3 on: April 18, 2021, 06:08:40 PM »
I don't feel like I want a relationship with her.  Her constant hatred and poison is hurtful and its so stressful and I just want peace in my life.   That's all. Peace. For her to stop what she's doing.

She's going through a lot in her mind and that translates into focus on me and abuse dished out to me.   That's where I am coming from in relation to mediation.   I just want peace. 

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Boat Babe

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Re: Has anyone considered a mediatior?
« Reply #4 on: April 18, 2021, 06:14:04 PM »
Sorry if I misunderstood your original post.

I wish you peace, and joy.
It gets better. It has to.

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Leonor

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Re: Has anyone considered a mediatior?
« Reply #5 on: April 18, 2021, 06:40:16 PM »
She's not going to stop.

She is disordered.

You can't ...

... Convince her.

... Plead with her.

... Win her over.

... Explain it to her.

... Get her to see.

... Ask her nicely.

... Get it through her head.

The one who has to stop is you.

Stop obsessing about how to change her.

Start protecting you.

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FoggedFrog

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Re: Has anyone considered a mediatior?
« Reply #6 on: April 19, 2021, 03:07:16 PM »
I'm sorry you are going through this. I am not sure a mediator would help. I feel it is common to think, "I just need to get PD Sibling to see reason, and things will be better." But that's part of the struggle of having a PD family member. They simply do not at all respond to reason. They likely never will. It might be a good idea to start documenting all these instances in case you need to file a report against them. This is an unfortunate reality of having a PD family member.

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sandpiper

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Re: Has anyone considered a mediatior?
« Reply #7 on: May 05, 2021, 01:38:32 AM »
yes, but then again, I've considered an exorcist.
I don't think anything will help.
Boundaries help.
Removing yourself from their sphere of influence helps.
Making yourself uninteresting to them helps.
Culling the circle of mutual friends (and their fleet of flying monkeys and enablers) helps.
Making yourself invisible and inaccessible to them, helps.
I think the only way to deal with a toxic assault from a PD is to set up your life so that you stop the poison trickling in.
If they're stalking you, then change your user identity on that forum or find another forum. Work out who keeps telling them how to find you and set up some serious boundaries with the leak. Keep blocking the wall and ignore them.
It's really hard when it's family. But the hard truth is that when they are that obsessed and fixated on hurting you, you have to protect your life from that and you can only do that by putting up boundaries, creating distance, and mending holes in the net when something manages to get through.

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theonetoblame

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Re: Has anyone considered a mediatior?
« Reply #8 on: May 09, 2021, 01:18:31 PM »
I offered a mediator in the form of joint counseling where we could both attend.

The boundary was that I didn't move to set it up. As I went NC I offered and indicated I would attend if it was something they wanted to do. For me, this placed the final decision regarding contact with the other party, left the door open on my side and set some limits/structure to how it might unfold.

They never chose to go through that door and I never followed up. I think many here would agree that the outcome I experienced is common, many PD people don't see the problem and also don't recognize their own responsibility for resolving it.

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JenniferSmith

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Re: Has anyone considered a mediatior?
« Reply #9 on: May 14, 2021, 10:46:46 PM »
Unfortunately it sounds like your sister's mind has become completely unbalanced and obsessive. I can only imagine how stressful this must feel. I also have a hateful sibling (who also has completely irrational grudges against me that are impervious to any facts or reasoning), but at least I don't have the electronic harassment.

Just for your own peace of mind, you could try reaching out to an experienced professional mediator and discuss the situation with them and see what their reaction is. It might give you a bit more insight about whether that would be an option.

You could also explore in a journal or something, what is the worst that can happen if you suggest a mediator? Because it sounds like your sister is capable of making things worse for you than they already are if she has the chance, so once you identify the worst case, then you can decide if it makes sense to even contemplate it further.

Otherwise, it may be that your only strategy is to protect yourself as much as possible. There is a lot of information being published on the internet about how to maintain privacy in this digital age. Maybe some of those resources would be helpful to you given what you're dealing with.  best wishes to you~~