The HUGE benefits of knowing the red flags

[Boat Babe]

Very recently I have come into virtual contact through social media and a couple of phone calls  with a person in my village. Almost immediately I had a gut feeling that something was a bit "off" with her and this grew over a couple of weeks of sporadic contact. Basically, red flags all over the place.

With this knowledge, I have gone into total grey rock mode, which feels very protective of myself and I am feeling empowered by my discernment in this matter. I have had my assessment of this woman confirmed by a third person who has no interest in defaming  her  A few years ago, I would have got sucked in, things would have got messy and I would be having to extract myself from an unhealthy person.

I do know that I am still vulnerable to men with PDs within a romantic setting, so not relaxing my vigilance about my codendency anytime soon.

But yes, it is vital to spot dangerous people as soon as possible.

Solidarity to survivors and thrivers.

[square]

Great job!!

[PattyIce]

Well done! It's so powerful to see the flags, it's like you graduate to a new level of socializing.

[Andeza]

I call it PD radar, and I love that I have it but hate that I need it.

Good job, Boat Babe. It is very satisfying to protect ourselves from involvement with people that have only their best interests at heart, no matter the cost to us. Vigilance is sadly necessary.

[pianissimo]

The ability to set boundaries without guilt (or other FOG feelings) is great. It feels like freedom.

[Boat Babe]

Thanks for the high fives people. Yes, it does feel like next level skills! I've learnt so much from the info on the Out of the FOG website and contributions from forum members. Pure gold.

[Hepatica]

I am really grateful for finally learning this as well. I wish all young people were directly taught what the red flags of toxic behaviour looks like and how to defend oneself.

A few years ago I met a woman in my yoga class and she got my email from the yoga teacher. It was fine. We're a tiny group and I didn't really care, but I have taken years now in studying this woman. I can't tell if she is toxic, but I've kept the communication really slow. I don't respond quickly to her. I set it up to let her know I'm not available, due to health reasons and family and I have taken it soo slow. Recently she's wanted to go out for socially distanced walks outside. I can't tell if she is toxic? But I keep thing I need to have a least one walk with her to find out.

Going slow is really new to me and that for sure is due to everything I've learned about red flags. I don't see any red flags in her, but she's quirky and opinionated, and I don't know if that is enough to not give her a chance?

[PattyIce]

I am really grateful for finally learning this as well. I wish all young people were directly taught what the red flags of toxic behaviour looks like and how to defend oneself.

A few years ago I met a woman in my yoga class and she got my email from the yoga teacher. It was fine. We're a tiny group and I didn't really care, but I have taken years now in studying this woman. I can't tell if she is toxic, but I've kept the communication really slow. I don't respond quickly to her. I set it up to let her know I'm not available, due to health reasons and family and I have taken it soo slow. Recently she's wanted to go out for socially distanced walks outside. I can't tell if she is toxic? But I keep thing I need to have a least one walk with her to find out.

Going slow is really new to me and that for sure is due to everything I've learned about red flags. I don't see any red flags in her, but she's quirky and opinionated, and I don't know if that is enough to not give her a chance?

Here is the vibe I'm getting from your situation"

The fire was really hot.  Like it was orange and flickering and I felt the heat from five feet away.  I walked right in though and put my hand in the middle and melted off my fingerprints"

If there's any doubt, get out.

[Prototypian]

I am really grateful for finally learning this as well. I wish all young people were directly taught what the red flags of toxic behaviour looks like and how to defend oneself.

A few years ago I met a woman in my yoga class and she got my email from the yoga teacher. It was fine. We're a tiny group and I didn't really care, but I have taken years now in studying this woman. I can't tell if she is toxic, but I've kept the communication really slow. I don't respond quickly to her. I set it up to let her know I'm not available, due to health reasons and family and I have taken it soo slow. Recently she's wanted to go out for socially distanced walks outside. I can't tell if she is toxic? But I keep thing I need to have a least one walk with her to find out.

Going slow is really new to me and that for sure is due to everything I've learned about red flags. I don't see any red flags in her, but she's quirky and opinionated, and I don't know if that is enough to not give her a chance?

Hello, first, going slow is 100% your right and whatever pace works for you is completely healthy and good for you.

Second, we all tend to be tainted by our past with PD's if they have had significant influence in our emotions and personality.

Being "quirky and opinionated" are not signs of PD behavior.   Nor is specifically asking a mutual acquaintance for contact information in a social group where people know each other a sign of stalking.   This is how normal humans form relationships.   The absolute parts to watch out for are boundaries not being respected and behaviors that fall into the PD toolbox of manipulation and fantasy land.   Watching our for yourself is fine and healthy but we all have to realize that non PD's can have strong opinions, passions, emotions, disappointments, disagreements and his and downs of a normal human.   

Example:. If a person has set up an event to go to dinner and then cancels without warning and without explanation, it's not PD or codependent for the person who was expecting the dinner and time to be a bit surprised and even ask for an explanation and perhaps even feel a bit ignored.   There should probably be a discussion between the two individuals to explain why plans had to change suddenly and hear both sides then come to an understanding especially if it wasn't an emergency.   

But if that person is upset, angry, won't listen to a reason or excuse why the plans had to change and holds it against you for something that could be explained then I would say major red flag.   

If someone wants to be your friend, get to know you and asks for time to spend time together and wants to include you in their life and you find their company to be healthy then consider their friendship and a relationship a blessing.   Strong opinions and quirks are fine as long as they aren't forced on you.   I have close friends with whom we have an understanding that I have no strong thoughts about politics and it's understood that there is only so much I can take of the discussion of politics and it's ok for both parties.   

Just making sure you discern between someone who is confident and interesting vs someone who has PD traits in your life.