Was this serious? Or am I exaggerating?

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Rainbowrama

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Was this serious? Or am I exaggerating?
« on: April 19, 2021, 03:20:08 PM »
I would like to ask your opinion about something that concerns the validation issues I told you about. This one is not about my mother, but my brother. Here is the story:
I had a fallout with my brother but we were still speaking normally.
Iíve had, for a few years, stomach issues that kept me from sleeping properly. Iíve been through many exams in the hospital, like endoscopy and blood exams. My brother is terrified of hospitals and any sort of procedure related to them. Is a big thing for him and he doesnít even know his blood type.
After a while, my health issues improved but at the time I was having them again. Upon learning this my brother told me in this weird manner : ĎOh, so you became worse, huh?í The way he said it, there was delight or mockery in his tone. I was devastated because it seemed like he was taking pleasure in my health issues and that for me, is quite seriously disgusting and the opposite of how a family member should feel about such things. Even if our relationship wasnít the best, I would never see myself taking pleasure in his misery.
He apologized, but here comes the catch, he said : ĎI understand how one couldíve interpreted things badly, so I am sorry, but thatís not what I meant.í Basically, he denied it. I feel with all my heart that he WAS lying, but itís so hard to trust your perception when people are constantly telling you (even if not openly) that itís all in your head.
What are your thoughts on it?
Sorry that was a long rant 😆

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MarlenaEve

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Re: Was this serious? Or am I exaggerating?
« Reply #1 on: April 19, 2021, 03:30:45 PM »
Well, you seem confused and doubting he didn't actually take pleasure in your misery. If that's how you feel then it may be true.
I learned that, feelings are the only ones that tell the truth (do a body scan and see if you have fearful butterflies in your stomach when in touch with him)
He can say the most wonderful things to you but if you don't believe them and feel bad around him then that's what truly matters.
How do you feel WITH him: in conversations, over the phone, when doing stuff together?

BTW my sib would never, ever apologize to me. It is beneath him haha.  :stars:
Everything can be taken from a man but one thing:
the last of the human freedoms-
to choose one's attitude in any
given set of circumstances, to choose
one's own way.
-Viktor Frankl

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Rainbowrama

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Re: Was this serious? Or am I exaggerating?
« Reply #2 on: April 19, 2021, 04:00:43 PM »
Thanks for replying. I feel uncomfortable and even in dread around him. This is not the first time he does things like that, but they are ALWAYS ambiguous and he always denies it. My shrink believes from what Iíve told her, that he has HPD.

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MarlenaEve

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Re: Was this serious? Or am I exaggerating?
« Reply #3 on: April 20, 2021, 04:38:02 PM »
 I told myself some time ago that I'd not want to have relationships with people who make me afraid. That's a boundary that I'm working on instilling again in my life. Think about it if you feel in dread when you/re around your brother, you get nothing in return from this person. You even get the opposite of what you deserve to have in a healthy relationship. Is that something you want to have in your life? If yes, think of the potential consequences of such a relationship, there is always a cost to these PD relationships.

BTW, I recommend you read through the No Contact Page of this forum. Those pages are life-changing to me. I've read many discussions in there which definitely sealed my NC decision with my FOO and slowly helped me understand why PD relationships destroy us long-term.

You deserve so much better
 :bighug:
Everything can be taken from a man but one thing:
the last of the human freedoms-
to choose one's attitude in any
given set of circumstances, to choose
one's own way.
-Viktor Frankl

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Rainbowrama

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Re: Was this serious? Or am I exaggerating?
« Reply #4 on: April 20, 2021, 06:25:52 PM »
Thanks for your kindness!  :D I will check that page now.

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stowaway77

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Re: Was this serious? Or am I exaggerating?
« Reply #5 on: May 05, 2021, 11:28:19 PM »
Taking delight in my suffering is absolutely what my narcissistic sibling does. She also makes light of my achievements. These two go hand in hand (being happy you're not doing well and being annoyed that you're doing well). So if you're finding it hard to discern what's actually going on, then try and remember instances of when you told them good news, did they seem happy for you?

Anyway if your sibling is actually engaging in schadenfreude, then be really cautious and limit your contact with them.

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ArmadilloKate

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Re: Was this serious? Or am I exaggerating?
« Reply #6 on: May 06, 2021, 02:28:13 AM »
I'm sorry that happened with your brother and that you are struggling with health issues. That can be scary and exhausting.

I'm in the camp of listening to your gut on this one (no pun intended with the stomach issues!). It's so hard when the behaviors are subtle and hard to pinpoint or prove. My mom does the same things and for a long time I kind of thought maybe I'm crazy for thinking  this is what she is doing. But eventually enough stuff happened that I could prove that I stopped doubting myself and started trying to protect myself from the damage. It's insidious, so listen to your gut and how you feel around your brother. It isn't lying to you.
« Last Edit: May 06, 2021, 02:29:59 AM by ArmadilloKate »

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Rainbowrama

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Re: Was this serious? Or am I exaggerating?
« Reply #7 on: May 07, 2021, 06:31:25 PM »
Thank you for your reply! Yeah I believe we need to trust our inner voice  :)

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Blueberry Pancakes

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Re: Was this serious? Or am I exaggerating?
« Reply #8 on: May 12, 2021, 03:13:32 PM »
Personally I do not believe you are exaggerating. If your brother said something to you and your first instinct about it was to feel like it was a bit "off" or not quite right, then I would trust what your initial response was.
Some of the things others say are just subtle enough for them to deny any bad intent. If you call them out or question them directly, they will only deny or gaslight so we never seem to get clarity from them on it. What you describe is very similar to things my Golden Child sister has routinely said to me. I would trust your instincts and what you thought.