How to carry over leadership/strong personality?

[BefuddledClarity]

Not sure how to word this question---at work, I tend to carry on leadership roles, and have gotten into...intense discussions with prior bosses while standing up for myself.

But outside of that--when I'm around my partner's parents for example, I shrink. I keep my mouth shut, despite how they treat me and others around them(e.g. drunken father in law cussing out a teenagers for not 'cooking fast enough' at job---they're young!! Who cares?)

Is it a battle worth fighting when it comes to NPD in-laws or NPD family?

I used to not say much to my own family, based on how my parents are verbally & physically abusive. But ever since I became grown, they don't bother me anymore and I can stand on my own---so why can't I with my in-laws?

Idk, I guess I keep my trap shut because for 1) I'm not fond of bullies like them, 2) it would (probably) upset my partner, regardless of whether I'm standing up for him or not 3) I wonder if it's worth arguing with them over stuff??

I'd rather not see them at all if I had a choice ...

Losing Sanity with Overcontrolling In-Laws

My questions to you are:

1) How do you translate your (positive) aspects from your work life to home?

2) What are things you find helps a person become their own leader?

3) How do you deal with NPDs(family, in-laws, work, etc) in your life? Also, is it best to stand up to them or walk away from the battle?

4) Thoughts??

[Andeza]

To answer the bottom-line questions first:

1. I would draw that strength from a ready and willing ball of fire (confidence, anger, confrontational emotions in general) within myself. I learned not to extinguish it on the way home, but rather let it smolder.

2. Stressful situations in which you have some measure of responsibility. Like, really really high stress. It was MY job to get 50+ (we had well over a 100 one day) truckers checked in and on their jobs, picking up the right material for the day. And they all showed up when we opened for business, all of them squawking over each other on the cb radio with tempers getting shorter by the minute. .... And it was my circus and monkeys to deal with! So yeah, high stress will do it.

3. I don't have NPDs, but I do have BPDs. The waifing is a little easier to handle than rages, thankfully. The moment they start waifing, I reach into my bag of tricks. To one complaining about too much responsibility at work I pointed out it was their fault for not saying "No" and asked if they wanted to borrow my spine for a bit. You've heard "kill them with kindness" but my go-to is "kill them with one-liners that point out how ridiculous they're being." As for the second part, depends on the situation. If they're bugging me, yes. If they're bugging SIL for instance, I tend to leave it alone. She needs her own spine and she'll get there one day. Or not. But it's her journey to take.

4. Many... None particularly organized, but if I were in your shoes I would go with the distant option. Making myself distant in other words. (We're moving!) The less exposure there is, the less you have to hold onto the confidence you need at work outside of work. Which is a healthier arrangement, I absolutely know that. Now that I'm not working, I've had to deal with residual stress from the job... it's been over two years.

I guess to summarize, yes, it is worth it to me to stand up for myself where letting things slide would damage my personal mental health. Certain things are WORTH fighting for, in other words. I won't let a disordered individual make me something I'm not, for instance. Like my uBPDm heavily implying that I'm not a reasoning adult by trying to continue lecturing me on a subject where my own knowledge vastly dwarfs hers. Break out the one-liner shut-down before it turns into something big and ugly! I'll take quick and ugly over long, drawn out and painful ugly any day. DH still laughs about that one...

On that note. Always be ready to walk out. "I will not be subject to this behavior, goodbye." Out. "Your words/actions/behavior are unacceptable." Out. "That's not okay and I'm leaving." Out.

You hold the power over the engagement. You always hold the power. Remember that.