Playing on my positive qualities/weaknesses

[11JB68]

uPDh totally takes advantage of my positive qualities/weaknesses
Listening to a lot of podcasts lately about NPD and emotional abuse, etc and a recurring theme is that 'these people' SEEK OUT those of us who are empathic, kind, loving, caring etc etc
I don't know how many times I was told by uPDm growing up that I was 'too tolerant' (well, gee I wonder why....it was her way or the highway so I learned not to rock the boat).... uPDh has criticized me for being 'too nice' to others, yet finds ways to totally play into that when it suits him.
He was 'in a mood' yesterday am, and while I did a good job of MC'ing it, it still affected me. Later he apologized (! but won't change...) but then had to give me an hour+ of all the things that are bothering him ending with one that he clearly anticipated (correctly) and hoped I would 'solve/fix' for him and my FIL. Of course I'm going to assist my elderly FIL with a health issue. Who wouldn't? (or right, FIL's own children.... ) So, I took the 'abuse' in the am and then my 'reward' was to be a good listener to all his problems (with lots of little things thrown in that are supposed to make me feel bad for him - he was neglected as a child, no one ever took him to a dr, 'you didn't have to grow up there' etc etc etc) and to solve one of them- some of this upset/anxiety of his is REAL, I know it is, he literally broke down sobbing when the FIL issue was settled. This still doesn't make it ok for him to treat me like crap.
It's like he's hanging a sign around his neck that says: Please 11JB feel sorry for me so I don't have to be responsible for anything. And, like people who are inclined to rescue puppies or kittens, he knows this will 'get me'.
He cannot see how this is wearing me down/wearing me out. He cannot seem to see that he is driving me away with this stuff. And if I leave he will really have NO one....his greatest fear....but he seems unable/unwilling to do what is necessary to keep me around.

[Penny Lane]

I've noticed the same thing, that the PDs in my life seem to be attracted to people with good qualities. That doesn't mean they are weaknesses! It just means someone else took advantage of your kindness, good listening, etc. It's not fair that, like you said, your "reward" for being a good person is more PD behavior. 

[ploughthrough2021]

My stbxw who is uNPD treats me exactly like that because I am kind -hearted and fall for it every time.  After 30 years of this, I am calling it quit though before she drives me to the ground.  My advice to you is to set your boundaries and keep to it no matter how Obligations or Guilt you feel.  When you do, just go into this website and read, then you'll realize that you are doing the right thing. It is hard though. We are living apart now and almost every night I wake up in the middle of the night with this Feelings of Guilt.

[notrightinthehead]

Gosh 11JB68 you have come far! You now realize that it is all up to you.  You know that he gets you in your care taker mode - that you cannot resist rescuing him. You realize that he will kick you in the shin once you have rescued him - now you might consider which, if any, boundaries you are willing to implement.

[Cat of the Canals]

11JB68, have your read the Stop Caretaking book by Margalis Fjelstad? The whole book is very much about this magnetic pull between empathetic rescuer types and BPD/NPD people. It was very eye-opening for me.

I think PDs have some sort of sensor for it, personally. Or maybe it's that they are constantly testing the people around them in subtle ways so they can pick out the ones will make good caretakers.

[Andeza]

I think Cat got it. PDs are always looking for more caretakers, looking to increase the dumping ground of their bad energy and uncomfortable emotions. I've been watching a bit of Jordan Peterson lately and he said something that I had to sit and digest for a bit to make sense of. I'll paraphrase just a bit here, but he said that PD people are experts at turning everyone they meet into someone that they already met. Which I understand as meaning that pwPDs need the people around them to all fit in certain roles. They need a villain, and they need a caretaker, and whatever else the individual requires. What they then do is sculpt and mold the actual people around them into those roles regardless of whether they are good or bad or not.

So, 11, he's molding you, constantly, into the caretaker that he requires by applying positive and negative motivation. The problem is that pwPDs are trying to force people into these molds and it's much like trying to stick a square peg into a round hole. They generally try to pick a peg (person) that is similar to the hole (role) but it will never be exact to start. Additionally, the peg will never quite fit no matter how you turn or grease it because it isn't meant to. However, what does happen over time is that both peg and hole will suffer extreme damage until they do fit, but now both are broken. In other words, the person and the role the pwPD has designed for them are both ready to fall apart at any moment. That's not a position I want to see anyone forced into.

Sorry, got heavy on the analogy there...