Getting fed up

[blues_cruise]

I don't know whether MIL has a personality disorder or not, however her controlling behaviour and self absorption leads me to think there is something there. Regardless, her behaviour triggers me in a very similar way that my (suspected NPD) father's does.

This woman is fine when my husband is in the room but I feel like she becomes really judgemental of me and domineering if it's just the two of us. Last time she came into my home and I was alone with her she started wandering around pointing her stick at everything and criticising, which she just wouldn't do in front of my husband. I once witnessed her making 'subtle' (as a brick) faces at a relative when I was speaking, like she was mocking me or there was some inside joke, and I've heard from my sister in law that she tried gossiping about me behind my back. It's gaslighting really when I think about it - when H and I are together in the room she's as sweet as pie. She also assumes that we're always on hand to look after her dog (which supposedly has separation anxiety) every time she has a doctor's appointment, which really frustrates me because frankly I think she just does it to control my husband and bring all the focus on to her. He won't speak to her about it or suggest more reasonable alternatives, for instance just leaving the dog in the car for 20 minutes. Many separation anxiety dogs will tolerate this, my own included. The reason he won't address it is because apparently if you dare be assertive with her about anything she just gets upset and cries  FIL always just goes along with what she wants as well. I think she's just ground them both down over the years. It drives me up the wall though when this kind of stuff impacts on plans we've already made and H doesn't seem bothered.

Just ranting really. I always used to put up with this and had a handle on these feelings of resentment before the pandemic hit, so I think the luxury of not having to see MIL during lockdowns has left me spoiled.  I really don't want to return to all this BS and just so wish we had more distance from her. It's reduced contact which has made me see just how enmeshed we've been but H doesn't see it, or want to see it. Or perhaps he does but it works for him so he doesn't care. 

[engineer31]

I feel you. The expectations my IL's have of me are so hypocritical. They expect so much of me, yet don't do nearly the same in return. It took what felt like FOREVER (many fights and tears, for 6 years) for DH to realize they expect us to put in way more effort than they ever do. We stopped putting in effort, and haven't heard from them in MONTHS. Other than his mom trying to manipulate him, again. He finally sees right through it.

I'm sorry you're going through this; you're not alone. You and your DH come first, not MIL and her dog. Whatever you have planned, should be priority. I get the whole thing about if you're assertive she just gets upset and cries, and honestly, if it's one thing I learned from counseling, it's not your job to protect other people's emotions. You can't control how other people react. Your husband needs to stand up to her and say "we already have plans at that time." It's a boundary and it's ok if she's not happy about it. You all need to do what's best for each other. Maybe you can look up a dog kennel or use an app that allows her to drop the dog off for a few hours and suggest that next time.

[Cat of the Canals]

The reason he won't address it is because apparently if you dare be assertive with her about anything she just gets upset and cries.

Sounds like classic BPD waif behavior to me.

Honestly, whether she has a PD or not, engineer31 hit the nail on the head in terms of it not being YOUR problem if she's not happy about a certain boundary being set. She is an adult and should be able to handle hearing "no."

If your husband isn't willing to set boundaries as a cooperative effort with you (e.g. saying no to dogsitting), then I would make a point of setting them for yourself. HE might be willing to watch the dog, but YOU are not. And if he's dead set on inviting her over for a visit, and you're not willing to endure the petty criticism and judgmental looks, then make your own plans. I used to lock myself in the extra bedroom I used as a sewing studio when my MIL came over. I know she thought I was being rude, but I thought it was infinitely more rude of her to show up unannounced after we'd explicitly asked her not to.

One thing I've learned is that PDs will use the rules of polite society as a tool to manipulate you into giving, giving, giving. So stop being so nice and get comfortable with being perceived as "rude." It's not so bad, really. 

[blues_cruise]

I feel you. The expectations my IL's have of me are so hypocritical. They expect so much of me, yet don't do nearly the same in return. It took what felt like FOREVER (many fights and tears, for 6 years) for DH to realize they expect us to put in way more effort than they ever do. We stopped putting in effort, and haven't heard from them in MONTHS. Other than his mom trying to manipulate him, again. He finally sees right through it.

I'm sorry you're going through this; you're not alone. You and your DH come first, not MIL and her dog. Whatever you have planned, should be priority. I get the whole thing about if you're assertive she just gets upset and cries, and honestly, if it's one thing I learned from counseling, it's not your job to protect other people's emotions. You can't control how other people react. Your husband needs to stand up to her and say "we already have plans at that time." It's a boundary and it's ok if she's not happy about it. You all need to do what's best for each other. Maybe you can look up a dog kennel or use an app that allows her to drop the dog off for a few hours and suggest that next time.

Thank you,  I'm so pleased for you that you've got some distance and that your DH can see through his mother's behaviour. I think my own DH wants to keep the peace and now that he's found a way of coping with his mother's behaviour (i.e. just look after her dog now and again and she won't harass him) he's just sticking with the status quo. I will keep at him to suggest alternatives and to say "no" now and again, because she needs to know that we can't just drop everything as soon as she clicks her fingers. They could so easily leave the dog with a neighbour (who is only across the road), darken their car windows so the dog is more comfortable being left in it for a short period of time (MIL's concerned about it being stolen/barking), or, y'know, they could try training it to negate the problem altogether.  I honestly think MIL doesn't want to address the problem because she is happy to just inconvenience us and use it as an excuse to see her son more often. She had a breakdown a couple of years ago with her claiming that it's because she doesn't see him enough (apparently every couple of weeks isn't good enough), so it fits.   

One thing I might suggest is that H offers to take the dog out and do a test run of what she is actually like when left alone for a short time in the car. Our car has darkened windows so you can't see in, plus a crate so the dog can't see out. If the dog freaks out I'll have more sympathy for her needing to be looked after, whereas if she's fine and settles down we have a better leg to stand on in suggesting that they adapt their car so the dog can be left alone in it. MIL has said in the past that if or when FIL and she pass away while the dog is still alive then she wants us to look after it. I think I'll make the point to H that I want to know that the dog is properly trained if and when this ever happens because it's unfair to expect this of us otherwise. It wouldn't be so bad if the dog was better trained but it hops up on our furniture as it pleases and even pooped on some fabric furniture once with absolutely no attempt made at asking to go outside to do it...the dog was oblivious that it had done anything wrong. The worst thing about it was MIL simply stating, "Oh, well she's never done that in our house" and shrugging it off as not being an issue with no offer of helping to clean it. If my dog did that in someone else's house I would be mortified and offer to pay to dry clean the upholstery for them. I just find things like that so selfish and it really, really stresses me out.

The reason he won't address it is because apparently if you dare be assertive with her about anything she just gets upset and cries.

Sounds like classic BPD waif behavior to me.

Honestly, whether she has a PD or not, engineer31 hit the nail on the head in terms of it not being YOUR problem if she's not happy about a certain boundary being set. She is an adult and should be able to handle hearing "no."

If your husband isn't willing to set boundaries as a cooperative effort with you (e.g. saying no to dogsitting), then I would make a point of setting them for yourself. HE might be willing to watch the dog, but YOU are not. And if he's dead set on inviting her over for a visit, and you're not willing to endure the petty criticism and judgmental looks, then make your own plans. I used to lock myself in the extra bedroom I used as a sewing studio when my MIL came over. I know she thought I was being rude, but I thought it was infinitely more rude of her to show up unannounced after we'd explicitly asked her not to.

One thing I've learned is that PDs will use the rules of polite society as a tool to manipulate you into giving, giving, giving. So stop being so nice and get comfortable with being perceived as "rude." It's not so bad, really. 

Yep, I agree entirely. I'm of the position that if MIL cries at a polite, reasonable request then this is very much her own issue to sort through rather than anything for us to feel guilty about. H isn't on the same page though frustratingly and feels it's less stressful to just pander to her. It is extremely waif-like and I have very little respect or time for it.  I have wondered about BPD when it comes to her, I've seen her flip out in the past too and go off at H when she doesn't like something. The most shocking time was when H had taken MIL's former dog out for a walk (it's always about the dogs!) and upon dropping her back home MIL noticed that the dog had an issue with its leg. MIL then came straight over with the dog that evening, raising her voice at H and demanding to know what he had done to it, then guilted him into going straight to the vet with her as though he had caused such a terrible thing to happen and that it was his responsibility to fix it.  Utterly ridiculous. We had a friend round at the time too who heard it all, so it was just embarassing. I was very young then with no sense of boundaries myself, however I think if that were to happen today I would lose my temper with her.

Absolutely, I think being 'rude' is the way to get some peace. The only other option is being a doormat and I respect myself too much nowadays to allow that. The more you give to controlling people the more it feeds their entitlement. I don't answer calls to MIL anymore and I leave it a few days before responding to emails, if at all. Before covid hit I think I had got the message across that I was very unavailable, so it's a case of trying to return to that mindset as I bet with lockdown easing here in the UK she's seeing it as an opportunity for a reset. I am genuinely going to be extremely busy over the next few months so if she tries cornerning me specifically into doing favours she will be getting a firm "I'll check my diary and get back to you" and then it will be deferred to H.

Good on you for taking back some control and staying in your sewing studio when your MIL turned up.  The expectation that someone should drop everything for a random visit just baffles me. I have been known to quickly step in the shower or to have gone to bed when the in-laws have turned up, haha. Maybe it's obvious but it communicates the point that I am busy and that life doesn't revolve around them and their schedule. They're retired and have all the time in the world whereas we don't. I think turning up unannounced is rude unless someone has told you that it's something they're comfortable with, which is something that's always wound me up about the in-laws. They think it's okay to turn up when they please and expect to be welcomed with open arms and entertained for hours. Once I ignored the door because I was busy with something/not in the mood and given that I wasn't in a position to welcome any visitors I had locked the gate. They attempted to visit twice about an hour apart, then on the second attempt FIL reached over to unlock the gate and had the audacity to use his spare key to unlock the door and let himself in.  I was absolutely livid. We now have another lock at the bottom of the gate so people can't do that. it's actually surprising the number of people who will just see a boundary like a locked gate and completely barge through it - the postman used to do it too. 

Thanks for the validation, I've been wondering whether I'm too uptight and/or unreasonable having enjoyed the peace and quiet of not seeing the in-laws for months. It's helpful to see others relate to this! Really helpful to have a rant too because as trivial as these things sound, they soon build up and cause resentment.

[LemonLime]

"One thing I might suggest is that H offers to take the dog out and do a test run of what she is actually like when left alone for a short time in the car. Our car has darkened windows so you can't see in, plus a crate so the dog can't see out. If the dog freaks out I'll have more sympathy for her needing to be looked after, whereas if she's fine and settles down we have a better leg to stand on in suggesting that they adapt their car so the dog can be left alone in it."

Blues, just a suggestion that you not work harder than your MIL to solve this problem.  It's their dog, not yours, and you don't need to troubleshoot.   
You don't need a leg to stand on.  You don't need sympathy for your MIL.  All you need is a firm boundary.   

[blues_cruise]

Thanks Lemonlime.  You're right and it probably is that simple. It's just frustrating. I don't think MIL even considers it a problem, nor does my husband.

I think the only boundary I can really have is to leave them to it, plus I think for my own sanity I perhaps have to focus on having this boundary with H rather than MIL. If he wants to look after the dog then whatever, but don't expect me to be involved or imposed upon. Given how enmeshed they are the assumption that my husband would always look after their pets is pretty much a given as far as MIL is concerned, but marrying into the family shouldn't automatically mean that my autonomy and how I spend my time is controlled by her too.

[Cat of the Canals]

If he wants to look after the dog then whatever, but don't expect me to be involved or imposed upon. Given how enmeshed they are the assumption that my husband would always look after their pets is pretty much a given as far as MIL is concerned, but marrying into the family shouldn't automatically mean that my autonomy and how I spend my time is controlled by her too.

This times 1000 and all the thumbs up!

[blues_cruise]

Thanks Cat.  Just have to try to remind myself I said that next time I'm triggered by her.