New...crying..

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wax rose petals

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New...crying..
« on: April 20, 2021, 04:12:46 PM »
It's probably a beautiful spring day outside, and the warmest since official Spring began. I'm indoors, and have been for four days, completely alone with my cats. Between my part-time work days, I stay home for days. I've been desperately looking forward to spring, but my agoraphobia is worse this year. I know why. Because in December I experienced a different kind of rift with my only family left, my father - the man who molested me, and my stepmother. It feels quite different from other rifts. I feel like I never want to see him again. It feels like I'm truly completely and utterly alone in the world, and in this scary metropolis. Is it any wonder I'm scared to go out into the lonesome world?

Hello, fellow CPTSD sufferers, and the people who love them. I'm a 41 year old female, saying hello....

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Penny Lane

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Re: New...crying..
« Reply #1 on: April 21, 2021, 03:27:14 PM »
Hi and welcome. I'm so sorry to hear what you've gone through with your family of origin. I hope these boards can be a source of comfort to you - when you're ready to share more about your journey, we'll be here to listen.

:bighug:

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Boat Babe

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Re: New...crying..
« Reply #2 on: April 21, 2021, 05:27:53 PM »
Hi wax rose petals. Welcome to the forum and so sorry that you have been abused and are still suffering the consequences.

You say that there is a rift between you and your abuser, your father. I would gently suggest that you keep it that way, as it is impossible to heal while you are being abused, even if the sexual element is no longer there.  It sounds as if you need professional support in the first instance. Are you able to access a therapist? A trauma informed one too, who understands C-PTSD.  Perhaps an online survivors group so you don't have to go out.

Forgive me if this isn't helpful. I am moved to tears by your post and just want to help as best I can here.

Sending much love as you begin to turn your life around. There IS light at the end of the tunnel.
It gets better. It has to.

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ArmadilloKate

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Re: New...crying..
« Reply #3 on: April 23, 2021, 02:31:27 AM »
Welcome here! Also pretty new. I'm so sad to think about the abuse you endured and how alone you feel. One day when you are ready you'll have strength to build yourself a new family of friends and loved ones who only treat you well and never ever abuse you.

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tragedy or hope

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Re: New...crying..
« Reply #4 on: April 23, 2021, 10:54:00 AM »
Armadillo Kate,
Well congrats! You are not alone already...  I see those on this site are already in your corner.
It may help to think of feelings as we would a bad pizza, we don't want to have it again, and eventually our desire for it and taste cause us not to want it.... because feeliings can and do change. Look at the internal power you are feeling in not responding to said person. Growth!

It's okay to fail. It's okay to feel alone. it's okay to be sad... in my opinion, they are not you, they are what you feel. That is great news. There is more to you than what you feel.

Your kitties must bring you some joy, and they are a different but real kind of company.

You are here now and though we don't know you we do care because we too were driven to look for someone who will care and understand without judgement.

Welcome!  :bighug:
"When people show you who they are, believe them."
~Maya Angelou

Believe it the first time, or you will spend the rest of your life in disbelief of what they can/will do; to you. T/H

Family systems are like spider webs. It takes years to get untangled from them.  T/H