Social Interaction

[JustKeepTrying]

I'm not sure if other's experienced this but with my OCPDexh every social interaction had to be "reported" to him.  And he would critique all interactions.  It became such a sore point that years ago I started to not go out - to even the store.  Going to exercise, groceries, school functions - all became social land mines.  I hadn't realized how difficult it was until I left.  My world shrunk to my ex, children and eventually, I didn't even leave the house for the yard - I didn't want to have to report neighbor conversations.

I remember clearly his saying "You have my permission to talk to people, just tell me what they said right after.  Then I won't get angry."  So I stopped talking to anyone.

I left him.  Divorced. And then two months the pandemic happened and my social world shrunk to a wave through a door from a food delivery person.

Now fully vaccinated, and starting to approach normal again, I joined a pool and started exercising.  I ran into a mother I hadn't seen in years.  We chatted for twenty minutes and I really enjoyed the experience (she is fully vaccinated as well.). At first, it was awkward.  Like a little-used muscle.  I had to remind myself to ask questions. listen and respond.  Strange.  Then several minutes in, I was completely engaged and interested.  This seems so weird as I write it but my world was so small before and over the past nine months the only interaction I had was texting or online here.  There were days I didn't speak.  No one to speak to.  I had only a handful of people after the divorce who were friends.  Truly maybe four.  Sad.  That is what 32 years of manipulation and isolation left me.

On my way home, I started to think about it and realized that I enjoyed it because there was no inner critic or fear of having to report it.  As the conversation went on, I began to relax and I had a fully functional adult conversation.  Like a normal person.

This was like my normal conversation with my son the other day.

Has this happened to other people?  Is this a PD thing?  Or just a me thing?  And if it is a PD thing, does their voice go away?  Do you eventually lose that feeling of having to report or have every social interaction critiqued or controlled?

Regardless, it felt like a breakthrough. 

[SparkStillLit]

Not as bad as you, but I am rather "grilled" about interactions and things....WHEN PD FEELS LIKE IT. So it's a landmine. Also he has historically tried to start shit when I would be going to do activities, so much so that I was going to them in tears, or sometimes I wouldn't go. He never SAID I couldn't go, just made it a misery. Sneaky. DD and I were talking once and she said even though she's an adult on her own, she feels this obligation to report to him.
My T has repeatedly called me out on reporting to him, giving him too much info. He's never SAID we had to do so, but he sets it up so you do it or a punishment happens.
You can make the voice go away. I've been working on it, I mention it in another thread. It's hard work, and especially when the voice is a real being who will say actual crap to you and reinforce the thoughts, but I still do it. I'm sick of those thoughts.
I want to be myself, and interact with people and do normal things. I don't think I'm as strange as he says I am, and even if I am, so what. I'll find my people. Gosh darn it, people like me. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

[notrightinthehead]

Same experience here. The voice never goes away, it becomes just one voice among others. And we can keep adding supportive, positive affirmations to the messages we give ourselves.

[tragedy or hope]

I do not have that exact problem. My unpdh takes all the air out of the room when we are social, becoming the center of attention with stories about himself or taking on the "master of ceremonies" role... so I don't do much with him anymore. He has observed me and my behaviors over the years so when he is social I know how he will behave because he imitates me. It is not flattering... he takes the very words I have spoken and uses them socially to be seen as a friendly person, basically voiding my ability to communicate because he has said what and how I would speak.

If I speak up early on... he will get competitive in trying to be heard... getting louder, leaning over the table, speaking over me....

My remedy is to do little or nothing with him socially, not even to be acquainted with his friends. I have my own and I do not want him in my world.. I have told him so and why.

He is so not aware that he still attempts to ask me to host gatherings etc.... my answers has become "I don't think I am ready for that" or "I need time to think about it..." anything to be non committal.

This too is a social nightmare taking away a normal lifestyle. .they are incredibly apt at isolating us one way or the other.

[Lauren17]

At first, it was awkward.  Like a little-used muscle.  I had to remind myself to ask questions. listen and respond.  Strange.  Then several minutes in, I was completely engaged and interested. 

I do this too! In a conversation, I'm thinking "ok, Lauren, don't forget to ask them about their dog" or whatever. I'm glad to learn I'm not alone in this.

I'm angry for you have to report back all interactions. How could he?!

My H doesn't socialize much, but when we do it goes like this.  As soon as as we get in the car or back home, the criticism starts.
"I can't believe you did this" "Tim was angry when you said that." He once told me I sounded like a snob when I said the name of our town. So, what am I supposed to say to "where are you from?"
Now, his voice is the one in my head whenever I socialize.

Getting that voice out of my head is something to work on.
Congratulations on that step forward!