PD sister in law refuses to get a job and lives rent free at parents house

[JollyJazz]

Hi All,

I just wanted to share this story. Kind of as an amused bystander, but also in a 'how weird is this'? Way.

Around 6 months ago my brother (U BPD) and his wife and 2 kids (13, 6). decided to move back after many years overseas due to covid. They moved back in with my parents.

Anyway, I'm in another city so I don't see them much. But a couple of months ago my sister in law announced that she wants to separate from my brother. Okay. But what's weird is she refuses to get a job. Both her kids are in school.

She is still living my parents rent free. At the moment she has the entire house to herself. She also wants my brother to buy a very expensive house, for him to work longer hours and yet still be separated.

My parents and brother are pd, but I'm starting to think everyone in this dynamic is PD.

I know it's none of my business, but I do think it's just interesting to reflect on the dynamics. I'm not getting involved at all.

I guess I do feel some resentment due to the fact that I have paid my parents rent when I was enmeshed and lived at their house in the past! But I live far away now.

Anyway, whatever! Any ideas or thoughts on this dynamic are appreciated. An interesting study!

[sandpiper]

Maybe just be grateful you live in another city & don't have to deal with their drama.
All bets are off with the pandemic, lots of people are displaced, relationships are under pressure and breaking down. You never know what is going on inside someone else's relationship & one thing I have learned about my in-laws is that I'm a whole lot happier if I just don't get the details of whatever they are doing. If she wants to be a home-maker while she's raising her kids and that is a viable option then, lucky her. When I was a kid women were judged for wanting to have jobs and careers and now they're judged if they choose to stay at home. Relationship break ups are usually pretty messy & emotions run high. I'd leave them to it.

[nillah]

Hey JollyJazz -- glad to hear you have decided to stay away from this. It sounds like a good idea given that you might not have full perspective of what's really involved here.

I'm curious: why have you decided to take physical distance, but apparently not emotional distance? It sounds like you're giving this emotional attention, why is that? Are you monitoring it just in case it ends up involving you?

You also mentioned that you feel resentful, is that why you're paying attention to this? If so, my advice is to stay aware that this is a feeling "for you" and not "for her/him/them". It's for you in the sense that it is for you to process and make peace with or other conclusions. It's good to make that distinction as it will allow for you to maintain some emotional distance from the situation.

I am sorry that I'm not able to share any more insights about the dynamic itself, but good luck!