I'm not suicidal but..

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Associate of Daniel

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I'm not suicidal but..
« on: April 23, 2021, 05:59:49 AM »
I had an awful thought today which stopped me in my tracks.

I may as well stop trying to get for ds14 what he needs from his uNPD father and uNPD smother.

Ds is too scared to stand up to them and any time I suggest or request anything to them, I'm firmly put in my "place" by them.

I have no influence or "control" (hate that word) and can't help ds get what he needs/wants. I don't have a voice.

I may as well not bother and just let them control everything and quietly let them take ds more and more out of my life.

Have you any ideas or suggestions to help ds get the courage to express his needs/wants to the upds?  Or even any hints on how to make them think that they came up with my ideas?

I feel so powerless and frustrated.

AOD

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Hepatica

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Re: I'm not suicidal but..
« Reply #1 on: April 23, 2021, 12:24:20 PM »
 :bighug:

AOD, I wish I had a way to help you. I really "get" how disempowered you must feel, and isn't that the theme of having to relate with a PD person. They need all the power and don't care how they attain it. It's a constant battle and so tiring.

I can sense you're feeling hopeless and that's such a painful feeling. I'm so sorry.

When ever I feel helpless, I try to bring my focus in closer, toward myself, what is happening in my house, how i'm taking care of my body and soul.

I think the only control you have is the love and support you give yourself and your ds. You do have a voice with your ds. You can tell him how much you love and support him and that he can always come to you for emotional support and you will be there. You do have a voice there.  And you know, it's not really the amount of time, it's the intention, the sense that you care, that your ds will always feel and remember.

There are times where we really are helpless and it's sad your ds is learning this at this age, but i am a firm believer that as a youngster, if you even have just one person there for you, you can survive these things. This is not forever for you ds. He will grow up and get his own life. It is something about this that he needs to know, that it will not be like this forever and how to take care of himself and yourself in these really hard moments while you bear the pain of his uNPD father and uNPD smother.

Hope this helps.
“There is a place in you where you have never been wounded, where there's
still a sureness in you, where there's a seamlessness in you, and where
there is a confidence and tranquility." John O'Donohue

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sevenyears

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Re: I'm not suicidal but..
« Reply #2 on: April 23, 2021, 03:53:10 PM »
 :bighug:

AOD - The mamabear in you wants to protect your son. And, you feel powerless to do so, and that your PD EXH is taking him away. And, that makes it all feel even worse.

I second what Hepatica wrote.

Can you focus on yourself and healing?  And, can you keep your "door" open for your son. Sooner or later, he will turn to you for support.

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Pepin

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Re: I'm not suicidal but..
« Reply #3 on: April 23, 2021, 04:25:03 PM »
14 is such a tough age.  The teens are waaaay harder than the toddler years IMO.  But, I think that today's teens are much smarter and more mature than the teens of previous generations.  They want the truth and not the sugarcoat.  They want the parent that is always going to be in their court.  They want the parent that is going to step in set things straight.  They want the parent that just gets it and doesn't judge. 

I have teens of my own and I am often times trying to get into their shoes and remember what it was like for me as a teen.  Honestly, no one had my back or gave a rat's a$$ about me.  I do make it my business to be organized and informed about my teens but I try to keep this mostly in the background.  Even though DH and I are married and live under the same roof, our teens generally seek me out first.  They don't trust DH because he doesn't listen to them.  Listening.  This is what I do.  I listen to my kids.  I'd rather hear laughing than crying even if it is annoyingly loud. 

I think I have made it loud and clear that my kids come first in my life and to a degree, before DH since he has stuff with his mother, PDmil.  I think from time to time I have subliminally been "put in my place" and I just find other ways around it.  I often times seek clarification for things I don't understand by asking lots of questions. 

As others have written, focusing on yourself is likely the best way to get through this.  I have done the same having to live under the same roof as a Momma's boy.  Sometimes this is very painful and I just want to evaporate.  Other times, I am so proud of myself.  It is like a suit of armor.  I don't know about your son but my teens enjoy being left alone with their snacks, Tik Tok, texting and whatever else they do.  They are elusive creatures and only seem to open up after they have started eating dinner.  They are just happy to have the freedom to figure things out and they sure have.
NPD F (overt/covert) NC
DPD MIL (covert) VLC
FALLEN GC SIB
GC#2 SIB (covert) LC

No PD is going to tell me what to do.

People who don't bring joy, let them go.

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Call Me Cordelia

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Re: I'm not suicidal but..
« Reply #4 on: April 23, 2021, 06:58:33 PM »
Hi AOD. I’m really sorry you’re feeling so down. You’ve been a momma bear through and through.

I agree with Hepatica too! You can keep your home and your relationship with your DS loving, supportive, and about the two of you without reference to your ex and his wife. When he’s with you, DS gets to leave them behind for a time. Even if he doesn’t have an awareness of it now, he will know where he’s safe and loved. And even if he never puts it together, he will have experienced unconditional live from a parent. And THAT is a huge victory for you.

It may not feel like enough, and you still have to deal with your ex for the next few years. That is all very hard and very real. I want to encourage you, because you really are a good mom.

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1footouttadefog

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Re: I'm not suicidal but..
« Reply #5 on: April 24, 2021, 10:43:40 AM »
I cannot imagine having my pd and a new partner in charge of my kids.  I am sorry for how you must feel over this.  This is no small issue, and must be draining as it weighs heavy on you.

Practice self care so you are in the best shape possible when you do spend time with your son.

On a positive note, it might be a positive sign that he does not want to bother with then.  He may be percieving the futility of trying to del with pds people and accepting that he needs to bide his time.

Focus on making his time with you the best it can be.  Dis uss other aspects of his life and how they are going., school, friends, sports, church.  Talk about the importance of having needs met from a variety of sources, and having different types of relationship to meet various needs.

Talk about his dreams and goals and how to optimize his chances of success.

It's a good thing that he can relate his frustrations with his father and step to you.  Sometimes teens don't need us to fix it just to listen and support them as they live through it.

Helping him understand he is allowed to disengage emotionally while remaining polite could be very empowering.

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Associate of Daniel

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Re: I'm not suicidal but..
« Reply #6 on: April 24, 2021, 10:56:51 AM »
Thanks everyone.

Ds doesn't speak about his difficulties with his uNPD father and uNPD smother very much.  He tends to clam up and refuse to talk.

But on a happy note - we had an extra lovely time this evening.

He's learning the 'cello and tonight we played through a number of his pieces together.  Him on the 'cello and me on the flute. (A bit of a brain flex for me as I was transposing on the spot.) I managed to improvise some harmonies as well.

Ah. So wonderful.  And something his uNPDs can't do with him.

Precious.

AOD

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xredshoesx

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Re: I'm not suicidal but..
« Reply #7 on: April 24, 2021, 11:01:06 AM »
i can't even imagine the combination of anger and frustration you are feeling right now.  in your situation your son has you as a counterbalance to all the chaos and crazy making of the other household.  i agree with the other posters, self care for you and keeping the communication with your son open in an age appropriate way.  at 14 it's most likely that he realizes that you and his father are worlds apart in your parenting approaches.  how your son deals/ copes with that duality is key- and if you need to reach out and have him to talk to someone his school may be a good resource- my family reintegration therapist in HS pretty much sat me down and said 'this is what you are going to be dealing with until you age out of the system....good luck and if you violate your plan (probation basically) you'll be in a state facility until you are 21 potentially. so it put me on the path to try to tough it out because at least i knew the truth.

in my situation i went from the state home to living with my PD mother again and i learned very quickly how to manipulate her by using her own types of actions..... there was about 2 years of therapy for me later on down the road for that because it showed me i was capable of being LIKE her and i don't ever want to BE her.