Snapped

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Pepin

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Snapped
« on: April 23, 2021, 04:37:58 PM »
Had a really tough day the other day and I just went nuts on myself.  Without saying specifically what I was doing, I was making a repair to something and dropped it and it made a loud sound.  It scared me and I started berating myself using the words that I often heard from NF when I was young.  I was so angry with myself.  I feel as though I was not myself but someone else - like a crazy and unstable person.  And then I did it again while I was trying to further work on fixing the object I was handling. 

This has not happened in a long time.....but needless to say, I have been having a buildup of anxiety lately because I don't have enough clarity about certain things.  It bothers me a lot when I cannot get the answers I need in order to make informed and healthy decisions for myself.  And this seems to become more and more exhausting each time it happens.  I was in such a rage with myself that I seriously could have done something horrible and drastic that would have changed the course for worse going forward. 

I don't know if any of you have ever found yourselves in this kind of mindset.  It is both scary and sad -- sad that I had to treat myself so poorly; sad that it was a learned behavior that I thought would never resurface.  The loud sound gave me no time to respond from a place of caring but rather from a place of hate and loathing. 

I know my inner child still needs healing and forgiveness but I just don't know how to get through it all sometimes -- all the different aspects.  The lack of validation and just the fact that it is another year knowing that my father is still alive and turning 90.  I just cannot be free until he is finally gone. 
NPD F (overt/covert) NC
DPD MIL (covert) VLC
FALLEN GC SIB
GC#2 SIB (covert) LC

No PD is going to tell me what to do.

People who don't bring joy, let them go.

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Amadahy

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Re: Snapped
« Reply #1 on: April 25, 2021, 03:22:57 PM »
Oh, Pepin.  I am sorry.   In your moment of being frazzled and dropping things, you were less than perfect and the inner critic got you.  The very moments when we need soothing and love are times when that can happen because we have been made to feel that we should not need soothing and love.  So, we punish ourselves -- and as you eloquently stated, you responded from a place of hate and loathing.

But, that voice is not you and you do not deserve hate and loathing.  You had a rough day.  You dropped some things.  You were afraid of the loud noise.  Anxiety has been building from lack of clarity on some things.  You were in a vulnerable state and we have been taught that is weakness and is to be hated.  I hope with a couple of days gone by now that you've been able to self-soothe and give yourself some love and care.  THIS is what you deserve! 

Come back to let us know how you're getting on.  I dare say many of us have been where you were.  Sending love and good thoughts. 

xoxox  Amadahy
Ring the bells that still can ring;
Forget your perfect offering.
There's a crack in everything ~~
That's how the Light gets in!

~~ Leonard Cohen

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Pepin

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Re: Snapped
« Reply #2 on: April 26, 2021, 07:38:58 PM »
Thank you Amadahy for your kind reply.  I am feeling much better now.  If anything, that episode brings even more awareness to my healing in that I still have so much more work to do.  There are days when I think I can take a break but obviously this is not safe at the moment. 

That being said, I do have a proud moment to share about DH.  Originally he had announced that he would need to visit PDmil this past weekend as he had not seen her in a few weeks.  By Sunday afternoon I realized that there was no chance for him to visit with her as time was almost up.  I felt so wonderful knowing that he was with us the whole time instead.  He was present and engaging.  He was participating the way the younger DH used to do when the kids were small.  This is so important that he do more of this as they still need him.  He must continue to work closing the gap that was created when PDmil began calling on him more to attend to her....she thinks she needs his help but she really needs to help herself.  And DH needs the space to be DH without her bothering him all the time.  I am crossing my fingers that DH will continue to understand his priorities as a husband and father and that he will finally see PDmil for who she really is. 
NPD F (overt/covert) NC
DPD MIL (covert) VLC
FALLEN GC SIB
GC#2 SIB (covert) LC

No PD is going to tell me what to do.

People who don't bring joy, let them go.