One year out

[allsaints]

I left him at the start of the pandemic. Over a year out, I look back and wonder why I wasted so much precious time on earth with him. We were together only about 4 years, but 4 years too many.

Today, my home is peaceful. I don’t have to walk on eggshells or face his uncontrolled anger and hostile silence. His rapidly changing moods. He was dramatic. Difficult. Sullen. Immature. And frankly, boring. He made rooms heavy. Those clouds have been lifted.

I feel more capable again. He was unfairly  critical of me. Nothing I did was good enough. Since leaving, no one has disparaged me or raised their voice at me. No one has lashed out at me with insults. No one threatens me with leaving after every argument, creating a sense of instability. I feel on stable ground again. My ex was actually the only partner who has ever insulted me or screamed at me. I can’t believe I let someone as toxic as him have a presence in my life, let alone a leading role in it. He made life difficult.

I’ve been dating someone new for ~10 months who is better than my ex on every possible metric. I didn’t expect to find him so soon. He is selfless. He gives so much. He puts others needs and desires ahead of his own. He engages with me fully (my ex stared at his phone half the time we spent time together). Dinners aren’t silent affairs. We actually talk, go figure. I can express an opinion without bracing for a blowout. Without being told I’m wrong or my points are stupid. Without feeling like every conversation has to be a debate. I feel seen, heard, and known.

He’s never broken an engagement (my ex frequently bailed on plans—he was cranky or tired or unwell—if he agreed to plans at all) My guy is dependable. Trustworthy. There for me. He’s open to new experiences. Adventurous. He rarely says no. He was eager to meet my friends and family. To spend time with people who are important to me. He loves my parents. They get on well.

He cooks for me almost daily. He notices how he can help. He actually helps. He’s self aware. Forthcoming with his feelings. He has a brilliant and curious mind. He’s constantly learning and teaching me new things. He motivates me. He supports me. He encourages me to take language classes with him (he’s already fluent in 3). He’s exciting to be around. He’s excited about me. He has so much energy for life. Even in a pandemic, we find novelty together.

We’ve had exactly one argument in 10 months. We settled it—respectfully—within 5 minutes.

He’s a physically gorgeous man. I get lost in his face. He’s got a killer body. Our sex is fantastic. It hasn’t slowed down. I’d almost forgotten what it was like to have a healthy sex life. He hangs onto me tightly throughout the whole night. (My ex rarely fell asleep with me, instead favoring his routines—TV, phone, iPad in bed—and rarely cuddled) I love how close he keeps me. How physical we are.

Most of all, he makes life easier. Happier. 

[GentleSoul]

What a joy to read your update, All Saints.  I am so pleased for you. 

Your description of your ex sounds like my late PD husband.  I smiled when I read your comment that he was "frankly boring".  Yes, it is all boring, isn't it?