Family Assessments

[MeFirst]

I'm going through Family Court with ex. With our family assessment interview I fear he's going to be looking like the "perfect angel". I end up looking like a neurotic mess. How do I get a grip and stop being triggered?

[Prototypian]

The best suggestions I have are in the tool kit.   Medium chill, grey language, sticking to only facts that pertain to the actual issues and don't allow logical fallacies such as "strawman arguments", "redirecting blame", "emotional outbursts" or your own personal triggers to take your behavior into the direction your spouse is trying to manipulate you into.   You must glaze over every personal trigger as either heard or not relevant to the discussion.   Only comment on the statements your spouse makes if asked my the mediator and then only speak to facts

DO NOT JADE!   Justifying, arguing, defending or explaining should only be done to and with the mediator and never back to the spouse.   Comment further on things only  when the mediator asks.  Otherwise simply stick to your list of expectations and points that are all fact based.   It's not possible to argue with facts; you can deny then but if they're facts then the denial is a lie and those get found out.   You can try to recolor them but if you're the one staying the fact and the other party has to react to the fact then you will be in the right.

If you state something like the following (completely made up and paraphrased). "The primary reasons I should be given majority custody are that:.  I have been the specific source of school stability, medical appointments and requirements, religious education and extracurricular activities with the children and their friends and friends parents.

If he says something like "you never coached any baseball or youth sports"

Don't respond.   If he tries to say you're mischaracterizing your role, don't respond.   If he states something like "what about that time you were late picking him up from school"

Wait for the mediator to ask if that is correct and state to the mediator in medium chill "yes, x years ago I was late picking the kids up because of a work appointment and I had called the school and my spouse and I arrived 40 minutes late and the children had remained at the school during that time.   And don't get baited into an argument about your parenting.



Several things will likely happen:

1) your spouse will get frustrated if your behaviors can't be controlled and you will be labeled unreasonable or even hostile.   Remain calm and continue to answer politely with short fact sentences and don't respond to him unless directed to specifically by the mediator.

2) sensing a loss of control where a PD normally has control, he will try to build shock and may even act out.  Let that behavior speak for itself and continue with your non reactive, no eye contact toward him and only directing your responses to the mediator.

Remember over and over by writing this in your notes before you go in; your goal is not to prove he is bad or PD or get an apology from him.   This is not a negotiation for you to "win and show him what he has done and how he has hurt the family".  Even though that's what you may want, we will have your back and agree with you here; it's unlikely a PD will ever adopt a contrite sorrowful apologetic tone.   

Your goal is to have the mediator rule and approach custody or property or settlement based on what is best for you and the kids and then let the courts enforce it.

Just my suggestions, not a lawyer but I've read a lot about how PD's think and behave in negotiations.

[hhaw]

What helped me was learning to answer a question with a super short answer, then closing my mouth.  Any follow up is JUST to explain my very brief answer....hopefully a yes or no.

I was instructed to pretend I was speaking to children I wanted to inform.  Calm.....simple, short statements, the be quiet.

Sometimes opposing counsel or. Therapist will say or ask a truly unfortunate dumb thing, which can be triggering INTIL we view it as an opportunity to patiently educate our audience.

We're being helpful when we're answering questions.  We're calm and consistently sticking to facts we can prove.

We never ever launch into emotional outbursts about anything we cannot prove, NC we look unstable and maybe crazy.

If we remain level....if we have evidence to back up everything we say....if we refuse to let anyone throw us off our game....
We remain focused on the mission.

BTW, answering questions should be thought of as a hamburger.

Give only the meat.
No condiments, veggies and often no bun.  Just the burger then be quiet.

Even if others go down the rabbit hole, YOU stick with just the burger in your responses. 

Know this will help you get through.  Know this will upset the PD and hurt their case while helping yours.

And breathe.....keep breathing.....take breaks and drink ice water......breathe to calm down your flight or fight reptilian brain while engaging your frontal brain responsible for, logic, creativity and problem solving, bc THIS will help you in every way, ime.

Also, remember the interview is providing a snapshot of your situation.  No answer can inform anyone completely about your situation so relax, pick a moment to focus on and give the best answers to inform others about that snapshot.

Be super kind to yourself....gentle and take care of you.

Suspend your expectations.

This allows others to come to their own conclusions without punishing you for insisting the MUST feel, believe and DO what you tell them they must.  That's always a mistake, ime.

Release expectation.  Explain like you're explaining to a child you don't want to upset.

Short.  Simple.  Calm.  Let the facts, you can prove, speak for themselves. 

This will improve your ability to be heard in this situation.

Stay focused on the children

ALWAYS ALWAYS REFER TO YOUR STBX WITH COMPASSION.  I cannot overstate this enough.  You're speaking about a parent to your children.  You must never appear judgmental or combative.

YOU are the parent who will facilitate the best possible relationship for that parent with your children.  You will prioritize your children's mental and physical health without finger pointing and blaming.

Just the facts.  Be able to prove them or don't include them.

Again, if someone says something upsetting...accuses you of doing what the STBX does, for instance, view it as an opportunity to inform that person and treat them with respect and patience. 

Like you're talking to a child or a skittish bird.

It'll help keep you centered and on track, ime.

Good luck.  This too shall pass.

[Boat Babe]

Excellent advice above. I may have missed it, but would add: do not label your stbx, do not offer an armchair diagnosis even if he ticks every bullet point in the diagnostic list. Basically this is your opinion and this won't be accepted in a legal arena.  Only describe behaviours and the effect these have had on your kids and yourself. These are facts and have weight.

Very best of luck.

[Associate of Daniel]

I found showing the assessor a selection of email correspondence between my uNPD exH and myself to be helpful.  It gave her an idea of his craziness.

But on the whole the process in my case was a waste of time, quite farcical and very traumatic.

I didn't have to be with my uNPD exH or his uNPD wife.  We were interviewed seperately.

Maybe that's an option for you?

I'm sorry that I can't give an example of a good experience or outcome.  But you will get through it and come out stronger on the other side.

AOD

[hhaw]

IME, sometimes the PD does manipulate one or two people involved in legal cases. 

I found that manipulation typically backfired on the PDs, bc they exploited people who didn't understand how to appear neutral or just didn't care how they'd appear to others. 

Since they often can't manipulate everyone, staying calm, having evidence and explaining your case through that evidence, while the PD typically relies on dramatic lies they can't prove when push comes to shove, people see through them, ime.

I've had Judges and therapists go against me.  The Judge had to reverse 2 if his decisions, bc he'd completely ignored and stomped on the law.  He practically tried the PD's case for them and forced more trials bc of his failures to be impartial.  In the end it worked out for me, but it was really hard on me and my family.

When the court appointed T was bought off by the PDs attorney in a custody case, I thought all was lost.

I was wrong and the Therapist ended up completely ignored by the Judge who hand picked her with great expectations.

The T was unqualified and her crazy assessments, mostly about me, we're huge red flags to the Judge, but only bc I didn't go crazy and sabotage myself.  My attorney and I had to treat the T gently, bc the Judge wanted her to do well.....my bulldog attorney learned how to ask questions without her normal snark, for example.

In the end, the Judge was mad at the PDs for screwing up her cherry picked Therapist's chance to work in her courtroom.  The therapist was ignoring her instructions and doing opposing counsel's dirty work.  T was too stupid to think it through.  Writing reports centered on me, the only person NOT ordered into assessments, backfired spectacularly.  The PDs were ordered to pay my legal bills, which is where all legal struggles ended for me.

The wealthy PDs lost every case against me, eventually, but still won bc legal expenses were starving me out.

My point is....the PDs can't fool everyone all the time. 

If we remain steady, if we refuse to appear unhinged bc of stress and fear...if we're calm and consistent parents documenting our situations every way possible....we have a pretty good chance of being heard and explaining our case.


Legal cases with a stbx, involving children, are about mitigating harm, ime.  We can't strive for perfection, bc of the PD's behaviors we can't control.

We're either placating the PD or asserting authority through the courts....neither is a good choice, but that's what we're up against while striving to shelter the kids.

Judges don't like to see kids dragged into the adult conflict, ime.  Document the PD's behaviors as best you can.  Organize your evidence.

I made a folder with emails, medical info, safety issues and reports to SHOW people the big picture quickly with economy of motion.  I could flip through and refute, prove or explain anything with that one notebook.  I made more than one copy so my attorney always had one too.

It's too hard to carry and root through files and boxes for THE most relevant information, ime.

Good luck.  Stay calm.