Getting close

[bat123]

After a very close call where my husband and I almost called it quits last fall, we had a brief honeymoon period and now it's as bad as ever.  We've been together 25 years, and finally I came Out of the FOG starting a few years ago.  It's been a gradual process, but I now understand the narcissistic abuse cycle that I'm stuck in.  Our current struggle (there's always a struggle!) is that he can't come to terms with the fact that I called him a narcissist behind his back to my sister, two years ago.  The only reason he even knows this occurred is that he was secretly recording my conversation with her.  The irony of this scenario is completely lost on him.  He continues to play the victim, claiming that I slandered him.  We spent a year in couples therapy where our therapist tried in vain to help him let go of his anger and stop bringing it up.  It's all about how hurt he still is.  The fact that he secretly (and illegally) recorded my private conversation is not even up for discussion.  When I threatened to leave in the fall, he promised to get help for his "high stress levels" and was on his best behavior for two months straight.  It was a tease.  I got to glimpse the life with him that I have always hoped we could have.  But it was a lie.  I'm right back where I started.  He's currently alternating between rage and silent treatment, supposedly because I lied to him during an argument the other day about the recording.  I can barely even follow his line of reasoning for being angry with me.  I'm so close to announcing that I'm ready to meet with mediator again. 

[notrightinthehead]

I have been there. Repeatedly. Pushed until I thought anything is better than this. Brief period of normal interactions. Back to our normal. Another two years gone. Sometimes we have to do things as many times as necessary to finally get it.
However,  one strategy you might want to employ in future - whenever he accuses you of anything, be it calling him a narcissist, lying, whatever - do not defend yourself.  Just admit it. Admit all your shortcomings. Then end it with "So what?" "I am sorry you feel that way" or even just "OK" and remove yourself. (You might be trembling with fear or anger,  desperate to defend or explain yourself - do not do it!) You might learn that your husband will be so disappointed when you stop engaging with him in your shared dance of blame and accusations that he will ramp up his behaviour for a while. Then he will find something else to torture you with. It is important that you make a committment to yourself to stick with this behaviour consequently. Try it for a month and observe if anything changes.

[Free2Bme]

 

bat123, 
Years ago early in my marriage, I was telling T that my updh couldn't stand it if I even spoke to a man, but thought it ok to have emotional/flirty affairs with multiple coworkers.  My T then told me a story about a couple he once counseled in therapy.  The husband had multiple full-blown affairs over decades of marriage, and after begging and pleading, the wife got fed up and had a one night stand.  However in therapy, the pdH could not get over what she did to him.  When confronted with the facts of his 'history' in comparison to her singular 'event', his response was "yeah, but she cheated on ME!"  There is a mental block and inability/unwillingness to be introspective. 

My T was trying to help me see that my H was not capable of admitting fault or treating me fairly.  I should have listened to him and spared myself years of hell.   

[Empie2204]

 

Free2Bme, I had the similar experience, After I have explained to my T that I didn´t get any emotional support from my H, and I needed it so badly, she told me short and sweet that he "has no capacity to offer that."
That, and the fact that they measure things with completely different system, is something we find almost impossible to understand.

[bat123]

Thank you each for your comments!  Great advice, Notright, I've been learning to control my reactions and have gotten quite good at it.  I usually manage these days to not get triggered and to detach.  But he then just intensifies his provocations.  Then, when I finally build up my resolve to leave, he switches into nice guy mode.  Tosses out some apologies, talks about the great retirement we are going to have.  Then, I lose my strength, I submit to the fantasy he is presenting to me, and the reset button gets hit.  At least that's how it's been for the last three years or so.  Before that, I was in full blown fog, with no understanding of the dynamic and blaming myself.  It's better I suppose, to have opened my eyes and to understand this is not my fault. But now I'm trapped in a different kind of hell.  I've informed him (for like the third time) that I'm going to contact the mediator, and he's of course now love bombing me.  Makes it so hard to actually do what I need to do.  Free2B, your example is so true.  They just can't see beyond their own victim hood.  Empie, I think I just need to continue to say that to myself over and over— he has no capacity.  He has many positive qualities, and I care about him deeply after 25 years together and three children.  But he has no capacity to offer me the unconditional love and acceptance that I deserve.

[JustKeepTrying]

Empie, I think I just need to continue to say that to myself over and over— he has no capacity.  He has many positive qualities, and I care about him deeply after 25 years together and three children.  But he has no capacity to offer me the unconditional love and acceptance that I deserve.

This is so hard.  Good for you for making that decision.  For me, it took years to come to this conclusion.  32 years of marriage.  Came close to walking so many times and I gave him excuse after excuse and then, in the end, I realized he knew he was doing it and he made that choice.

I struggle with it today because it somehow feels like my fault for not realizing it earlier.  For making those excuses to stay and allow the abuse and that guilt eats at me.  When I finally accepted the reality, something snapped within me and I was completely Out of the FOG.  I became so cold towards him and afraid of him.  I suddenly how close to the line he came to real bodily harm.  It felt so menacing.  But it helped to propel me out of there and now live a life free of it.

journaling helps.  Whenever I get sad or miss him, I read through my journal and it all comes back.