My uPD Dad, who was also an enabler, suddenly died

[MIB]

Hello everyone,

My Dad,  who was very likely an undiagnosed narcissist, and was certainly an enabler of my likely borderline Mom,  died two weeks ago of a heart attack. The funeral was Tues.

We were vvvLC. I called him on his birthday in January (& we had a pleasant but superficial 40 minute talk, which was nice), and sent them an Easter card.  I did not recieve one back but got a Happy Easter text in return. 

I tried very,  very hard to retain and repair the relationship without sacrificing myself and my own family,  and even arranged for counseling. Towards the end of counseling,  in a private session,  the counselor told me that this was not my fault,  and he was surprised I tried as hard as I did.  He also in a group setting told my Dad he owed me an apology for the way he treated me...something that Dad refused to do. Dad,  in his own mind,  was always right.

So while I feel a lot of feelings,  guilt is not one of them,  thankfully.  And I'm even doing okay with the loss part,  because really I grieved that a couple of years back.

I would love some perspective from those who understand on how to deal with feelings of anger. 

Anger that I am left to advise and hold the hand and advise my mother (who is basically useless and doesn't even know how to send an email), who really has done very,  *very* little to support me in my life,  after I told him that he needed to prepare her for this possibility...and he never did. 

Anger that he never had a contingency plan for his business,  and now I'm stuck with the urgency of both figuring things out, and trying to sell it in a short period of time (because it is seasonal).

Anger that I asked him numerous times to go for the cardiac stress test,  and even called his GP to say he hasn't gone and ask him to reinforce the need... to be ignored because he was fine and didn't have the time.

Anger that when my parents asked if I would take care of my Mom if he died,  and told them the truth that I live an hour away,  have a full time job,  two young kids and a husband,  and can't possibly take that all on and she needs to know how to do things for herself..... to be met with outright hostility.

On all of these points,  I was either completely disregarded or met with animosity.  And now here I am (with extended family help, thank God,  as I am an only child),  picking up the pieces of a mess that could have been avoided,  or at least made much,  much easier.

I am angry about all this,  and that they made my life difficult, literally right until the very end of his.

I have an apt in 2 weeks with the counselor who worked with our family,  and am looking forward to that.  In the meantime,  I am looking for some counsel from those who know. I appreciate that anger won't help anything,  and am wondering if there's a better way to look at things?

Thanks for your support,
MIB

[Seven]

I'm not sure if "sorry for your loss" is appropriate here, but I will say I'm sorry for what you are going through. I can empathize.  internet hugs to you. 

[Sneezy]

I am sorry that you are going through this.  Your anger is certainly understandable. 

One way to look at all this is that you need to make it as easy for yourself as possible.  Sell the business quickly and for a decent price, but don't stress about getting the very best price if that means you have to hold on to it.  You want to get this done.  Use the proceeds to make it easier for you to help your mother (if that's what you want to do).  You do not, and can not, provide care for her.  Maybe, if you choose, you can help her hire the care she needs.  There are services that will pay bills, manage finances, clean her house, deliver her food, cook her meals, etc.  I knew an elderly couple that hired someone to drive their car for them for a certain number of hours a week.  They didn't want to give up their car, but they also didn't want to drive.  So they hired out the driving to a responsible college student who took them wherever they needed to go.  Also,  if need be, your mother can move into assisted living or something similar.

At most, you can help coordinate and manage her care.  And even if you choose to help coordinate and manage, there is a limited amount of time that you have available, and so your mother will have to do what she can on her own.  And if that's not enough for her, you will need to drop the rope and explain to her that you are not her caregiver. 

[SunnyMeadow]

I'm sorry you're left to deal with all of this. Very irresponsible of both of your parents. I will be dealing with the same thing when the time comes.

I like Sneezy's idea of selling the business quickly and for a decent price. I'm not sure how you deal with the anger in this case other than to get through it as best you can. I may just take over her banking and bill paying if she's game for that. You can do that from your own home. Put everything on autopay so you don't have to think much about it. I'm going to do this for my dad, he has never paid bills. The thought of trying to teach your mom to do it might be too much to handle.

I'm thinking if she's going to glom on to you for daily interaction, you'll have to pull back, use medium chill and gray rock techniques.

I hope others have ideas on dealing with the anger. I do think your anger is ok and warranted in this case though. For two grown people not to set up basic ways to cope with aging and death is again, highly irresponsible. Throwing up your hands and thinking, "oh well my daughter will handle everything" is terrible. I'm sorry MIB ♥

[ArmadilloKate]

I am so sorry for these unnecessary stresses that are dumped on you. They could have been prevented and now you have to deal with then because your dad and mom couldn't be considerate enough to take care of their own stuff. I feel your anger coming through and it seems very very appropriate. Yes you don't want to hold onto the anger for too long and let it erode you but it's there for a reason. Listen to it. Especially listen to what it might be telling you about how to move forward with your mom.

I completely relate. So much. So so much. And I've for the most part ignored my anger and told it to go stuff itself. That didn't help and prolonged my suffering.

I am sorry for your complicated loss and the tasks that go along with it, including processing this anger and sorting out the logistics and dealing with your useless mom. UUUUGGGGHHHHH!

[carrots]

I appreciate that anger won't help anything,  and am wondering if there's a better way to look at things?

Idk if this is an issue for you, but anger does help me! It helps me have enough energy to set limits and stick to them, rather than giving up and/or giving in.

[ArmadilloKate]

I appreciate that anger won't help anything,  and am wondering if there's a better way to look at things?

Idk if this is an issue for you, but anger does help me! It helps me have enough energy to set limits and stick to them, rather than giving up and/or giving in.

I've gotten myself seriously hurt ignoring my anger. It's there for a good reason.

[MIB]

Thank you everyone,  for the support and validation.  Perhaps in the short term,  my anger is,  as you suggest,  helpful.  I have been putting my foot down with my mother these days.

Yesterday,  she had the gall to tell me that she didn't like my tone during our phone conversation (when I was briefing her on next steps for selling the business after I alone met with the potential buyers because, you know,  she's useless). To which I replied,  "Look. You need me. I am taking on all this work and it's NOT for me. If my tone isn't perfect these days,  I think you need to overlook it".

That shut her down pretty quick .

[SunnyMeadow]

Thank you everyone,  for the support and validation.  Perhaps in the short term,  my anger is,  as you suggest,  helpful.  I have been putting my foot down with my mother these days.

Yesterday,  she had the gall to tell me that she didn't like my tone during our phone conversation (when I was briefing her on next steps for selling the business after I alone met with the potential buyers because, you know,  she's useless). To which I replied,  "Look. You need me. I am taking on all this work and it's NOT for me. If my tone isn't perfect these days,  I think you need to overlook it".

That shut her down pretty quick .

Good for you!  The gall indeed. It always all about them. Even when you're struggling and doing all the grown up stuff for her, she has the nerve to complain. 

I hope everything goes smoothly in the sale of the business and everything else you have to deal with.

[Psuedonym]

Hello MIB!

I can relate to this post. My dad, who was not uPD but definitely an enabler, of course died first, leaving me (another only child) with uB/NPD M (who I commonly referred to as Negatron on this forum. Like other posters have suggested, I would agree that anger is your friend right now. It is a great indicator that someone is stepping all over your boundaries. Your mom might be in shock right now, but if she has PD tendencies, one things for certain is that they can't tolerate lack of attention/being alone. I would expect the hostility and helpless to increase exponentially as all the neediness gets focused on you now that your dad is gone. She might fake health crisises or other emergencies. She might suggest that she HAS TO move in with you. I would be prepared for this by doing the following:  if she escalates that sort of behavior, suggest she probably needs to be in a senior living facility. Then, if you're in the U.S. (it sounds like you are) contact a senior living advisor. They will work with her (for free!) to find a place that meets her need. In the meantime, you can continue to help her get her finances in order, but do not fall for the helpless act! (You will be surprised at how non-helpless PDs actually are when they don't have anyone to order around.)

I'm really sorry you're going through this; as an only child, it truly sucks. But know that anger is often a healthy response to an unhealthy situation. You did a great job handling the 'tone' accusation, Keep it up!

[ArmadilloKate]

To which I replied,  "Look. You need me. I am taking on all this work and it's NOT for me. If my tone isn't perfect these days,  I think you need to overlook it".

That shut her down pretty quick .

Wow! Way to be straightforward and protective of yourself! And yet also loving in that you are taking care of this.

[daughter]

I've not faced this situation, and my enNF put my NBM unexpectedly into AL facility after her brief hospitalization.   My parents are/we're of the "our daughters are our future elder care" ilk. I'm NC, and beyond stunned.

So, I recommend finding an excellent estate-planning attorney to resolve business disposal, estate distribution, and mother-care services. I'd let estate resources pay for these services, not try to economize by self-performing these tasks, and keep reminding myself: if I wasn't here, it would still get done somehow without me.