Should I eliminate contact for ex-PD with no legal rights

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cjmama

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Should I eliminate contact for ex-PD with no legal rights
« on: May 02, 2021, 01:24:13 PM »
I ended my relationship with my ex-PD (NPD) boyfriend one year ago after a nine-year relationship. I had three young kids when we entered the relationship after having been widowed, so he is the only father my youngest child (now 11-year old girl) has ever known. I've tried to preserve a relationship between the two of them for her sake. He recently told me (didn't ask, told me) that he intended to plan a trip for my daughter and him out-of-state. I told him no because I am not comfortable with an out-of-state trip. He can visit her when he is in town (he moved out of state when we broke up). He refuses to speak to me by phone and sends me obnoxious texts (likely when he's been drinking). Our communication needs to be more effective before I would consider allowing him to fly to another state with my daughter. Then he crossed a line. He texted my daughter and wrote that "Mommy won't let me talk to you anymore, but I love you so much".

He has no legal rights because we never married and he never adopted any of my kids. I believed it was in her best interest to maintain a relationship with him and that he wouldn't do anything to intentionally hurt her, but this was simply cruel. I know many of you have suffered from having to co-parent with an ex-PD because he/she is the child's biological parent and if you had the choice you might have ended all contact. Should I just end it now? I reassured my daughter that I didn't say that to him and that he is probably just hurting. I just can't determine if she will be more hurt by continuing a relationship with him or by me eliminating contact between the two of them. Thoughts?

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Rose1

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Re: Should I eliminate contact for ex-PD with no legal rights
« Reply #1 on: May 03, 2021, 12:08:48 AM »
To be blunt, and with some years of hindsight under my belt there is no benefit to a pd relationship.  Children are generally used as pawns and many including mine end up in therapy. The best gift you can give your daughter is a loving home environment, consistency and letting her know you are there for her. Your dont need the stress of letting her see a person who is prepared to get drunk and abuse her mother
 My 2c

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Boat Babe

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Re: Should I eliminate contact for ex-PD with no legal rights
« Reply #2 on: May 03, 2021, 08:06:46 AM »
 :yeahthat: of
It gets better. It has to.

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athene1399

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Re: Should I eliminate contact for ex-PD with no legal rights
« Reply #3 on: May 11, 2021, 02:50:40 PM »
My opinion is if he’s already using your daughter as a manipulation tactic (by texting her “mom said I can’t talk to you...”) then more of that will come if you keep him in your children’s life. Caring parents do not put children in the middle or lie to them to get what they want.

I am sure this is a difficult decision as this is the only father she has known, but maybe try to focus instead on is this a healthy relationship? Right now it doesn’t sound to me like it is.

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Starboard Song

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Re: Should I eliminate contact for ex-PD with no legal rights
« Reply #4 on: May 11, 2021, 03:04:32 PM »
 :yeahthat:


We are NC with my in-laws. When that was forced upon us, our son was 11. We tried to allow them to give us a Permanent Silent Treat while still maintaining a relationship with our son, but we insisted they end their verbal abuse of us. After another 3 months they demonstrated that they (1) were serious about their Permanent Silent Treat, and (2) they couldn't avoid verbal abuse. At that point, we reversed their Permanent Silent Treat, declaring NC and making it clear they would no longer be in contact with our son.

A kind and loving grandparent, or surogate parent, is a wonderful thing. A kind and loving father is an important role in a family, and is a blessing for children. But a manipulative, unreliable, mote-magnifying person is not good casting for such a role, and is not a blessing or a wonderful thing.

For any child under 11, I'd say it ieasy to decide: they go NC with us. For a child 16 or older, I think that is similarly easy: it is their choice. In between, where we were and where you are, it is very hard. But we decided that my in-laws were not reliably loving and kind, and we would not break our own NC to support their relationship with my son. I remain confident in that decision. He is now 17 and -- free to decide -- wants no contact with them.
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward