What to do if spouse chooses in-laws over you

[BefuddledClarity]

Hey, not sure if this is the correct place to post.

Just been feeling down lately and found an article that helps a bit with my situation:

If Your Husband Chooses His Family Over You, Here's What To Do


I like that this article doesn't victim blame you, it gives very good advice that I plan on using.

Lately, things are OK with my partner, but everytime we have a normal conversation, he's always interjecting with "advice my dad/mom/sister gave me for us to do". Just tired of being given unsolicited advice from his family and him parroting it back to me. He's also excused their rude behaviour towards me. Recently, his biological mom told me I "need to eat more" so then I have a "better ass". She didn't say this while he was around, but when I told partner what she said, he chuckled and said "that's just how my mom is" while his sister apologized for their mom's behaviour, knowing it was too much

His father has made rude and unnecessary remarks to me and my partner told me to "tell me next time so I can check him" but he hasn't "checked" him yet.

It's made me feel more irritable and less attached to partner, but the article does give good advice, so I will be trying that.

[Starboard Song]

Good luck.

That is sucha challenging dynamic.

[Leonor]

Hi Befuddled,

Oof, sounds like your partner is really in the FOG.

What his parents say is not "inappropriate" or "just their way," it's abusive, and the fact that they wait until your partner is not around to hear it means they are abusing you intentionally and with foresight.

Of course you feel irritable, you are being harassed! And if course you don't feel attached to someone who is *not* being a partner to you, but a party to the abuse.

Start with you. Protect yourself from harassment and call it out when you hear it. You do not have to tolerate people who mistreat you, are under no obligation to subject yourself to their bad behavior. Nor are you interested in their opinions on any subject, and that is a valid opinion of yours.

It is a difficult situation to navigate. It sounds like mom is areal problem, and the rest of the family defends her by apologizing to you for her (instead of standing up for you to *her*) or joining in by harassing or devaluing you.

So you're probably not going to get much buy-in from your partner, at least not for a while. On the other hand he did partner with you for a reason, and that reason may be, like his sis, he's not happy about mom and dad either, but doesn't know how to get himself away from them (emotionally).

Start with you. Stay with you. Have your back. Be your champion. If you stay centered in your self, stand up for your self, step into your strength, the situation will change. It may change in unexpected ways, but it will change and you will feel empowered and less Befuddled!

[BefuddledClarity]

Good luck.

That is sucha challenging dynamic.

Thanks! Going to try and manage for now...

Hi Befuddled,

Oof, sounds like your partner is really in the FOG.

What his parents say is not "inappropriate" or "just their way," it's abusive, and the fact that they wait until your partner is not around to hear it means they are abusing you intentionally and with foresight.

Of course you feel irritable, you are being harassed! And if course you don't feel attached to someone who is *not* being a partner to you, but a party to the abuse.

Start with you. Protect yourself from harassment and call it out when you hear it. You do not have to tolerate people who mistreat you, are under no obligation to subject yourself to their bad behavior. Nor are you interested in their opinions on any subject, and that is a valid opinion of yours.

It is a difficult situation to navigate. It sounds like mom is areal problem, and the rest of the family defends her by apologizing to you for her (instead of standing up for you to *her*) or joining in by harassing or devaluing you.

So you're probably not going to get much buy-in from your partner, at least not for a while. On the other hand he did partner with you for a reason, and that reason may be, like his sis, he's not happy about mom and dad either, but doesn't know how to get himself away from them (emotionally).

Start with you. Stay with you. Have your back. Be your champion. If you stay centered in your self, stand up for your self, step into your strength, the situation will change. It may change in unexpected ways, but it will change and you will feel empowered and less Befuddled!

Thank you so much! Yes!! It bothers me so much on his dismissal of the rude/inappropriate behaviour.

My partner does talk back to his parents, but that's mostly if they're attacking him---which his mom does constantly. It's just irritating to hear it all the time. He and his family are always arguing. It just doesn't seem healthy...His mom ignored him for a year because we "kicked" her out of OUR HOUSE. It's a long story...But long story short, SiL was trying to get rid of MiL fromnher spot, so she said MiL can babysit little one at the time. Then SiL and partner were making plans (without me) and letting her stay two nights in a row to watch because it's "too much of a hassle" to pick her up and drop her off(my partner ended up having to pick and drop off since SiL didn't hold up her end of the bargain). Anyways, it went from two days, to a week, down to two weeks staying days STRAIGHT at our place. He didn't even discuss it with me. My partner and his mom would argue EVERYDAY it was driving me mad until I had enough and told him I needed my privacy. So , he threw me under the bus and said "You can't stay, BefuddledClarity needs privacy" and ever since, PDMiL decided to go NC with partner blaming him for keeping grandson away from her...even though she initiated NC.

They're all something else.

Here's a post on them:

Losing Sanity with Overcontrolling In-Laws

My partner is currently good with me, but I feel a it of resentment ...apart from the in-laws issue, he's put me through some other stuff... I've put my partner on medium chill and at the new place I pay for everything because I don't want him expecting me to owe him anything. I got the place myself. I want to go for a house next year, but he doesn't want to. I really don't care what he wants after what he did to me(physical & verbal abuse while intoxicated).

He still offered to help pay and apologized for what he's done and even cried before, but I still feel angry.

I'm sorry if too TMI, but when he wants to get intimate, I cut it short after awhile and say I'm tired or sore when that's not always true and he always tells me "That's okay baby, next time, get some rest". I cut it short because my feelings are twisted in a knot of wanting to be loved, but also feeling very livid/irate.

I made a post inquirint about getting rid of anger, but I keep finding new things to get angry about haha. I am doing more hobbies now, and it helps a bit actually...


I'll definitely put more focus on little one and myself. I've been slowly fading away from spoiling my partner like I used to. I don't offer nearly as much as I used to. I just keep it neutral and work on tackling my own goals and needs/wants along with figuring out what's needed for little one...My partner used to not talk about plans together as often since I'm stuck doing it all the time, but now he's speaking out a bit more.

That's kinda what drove this thread a bit---when I mentioned wanting a house, he mentioned how his PDFather advised against it.(Despite his dad having money issues all the time makes MORE than both of us, and still asks partner for money--I'm not taking advise from them)

[Leonor]

Hi Befuddled,

I'm so sorry for your distress, this situation sounds excruciating.

As I read your post, what jumped out at me is the fact that your husband got physically abusive with you when intoxicated.

Is there a counselor you can talk to, dear Befuddled, to help you gain some clarity around your relationship with your partner?

[Pepin]

This has been so tough and I have vented about it a lot on this forum.  All the rantings though have really helped me peel away the layers and finally make sense of what the issue really is.  My husband and I are of different cultures.  Even though we were both born in the same country, he was raised with generally one culture while his family tried to assimilate and I was raised with seemingly no specific culture - meaning, we spoke only English and we didn't really follow any cultural practices.  DH on the other hand spoke mainly his parents native tongue at home and they continued to follow what they knew from their culture.

This. Has. Been. Hard. For. Me.

When I married DH I didn't expect (nor did I know) that practices from his culture would be both enforced and a part of our marriage -- without even consulting me.  They just happened.  The carpet was pulled out beneath me.  Decisions were made without consulting me.

While I am all for learning about new cultures and YES adopting some of it into my marriage and FOC, I am not in support of any cultural practices that threaten my marriage or are sexist.  PDmil unfortunately has been all about that!  I am floored that she has the audacity to play the sexist card in our current country, especially after what she went through.  I am devastated that she plays this card with her kids and the grandkids and that seemingly NO ONE has spoken up about it (that would be her children including DH).  DH defends her by saying that he is just following her "wishes".  UGH!

In my case, DH has been choosing his culture over our marriage because it makes his mother happy.  We never had any discussions about his culture and how it would be a part of our marriage.  When we met, he was anything but his culture except for his race -- not even an accent of any kind.  The understanding was that since we are a biracial couple, that things would be open and up for us to decide together (and that is how we rolled as a new couple and also as newlyweds).  NOPE. 

As a combo of cultures, I feel left out and excluded.  Our kids are even confused as well and aren't really keen on DH's cultural heritage because of PDmil and her behavior.  They see it as oppressive and manipulative -- and yeah, large parts are exactly that!  I just want to be a neutral family(FOC), whatever that entails.  We should just do what makes us all happy.  Not the unchosen matriarch, PDmil.

It makes me sad that I suddenly had to drop everything and start setting FIRM boundaries with not only PDmil, but my own husband, for the sake of our marriage and children.  I mean, really.  Boundaries.