Mother's Day... How do you feel about it?

[BefuddledClarity]

What do y'all do for mother's day?

How do you feel about mother's day?

I'm NC with my PD mother and get tired of relatives/flying monkeys telling me "You should talk to your mom, she's your mother after all!".

I ended up cutting off my own extended family out of my life too some intentional and some not really...live in different countries so it makes it easier.

Anyways, my partner wants to celebrate mother's day and take out myself, his sister, and PDmother-in-law. I'd rather not go at all.

I've always felt peculiar about mother's day in general, considering my estranged relationship with my Pdmother. I do have a child, but I don't want to celebrate mother's day and wouldn't care if little one celebrated it or not once he gets older.

Here's a bit of info on my in-laws:

Losing Sanity with Overcontrolling in-laws

Most recent I had to deal with PDMIL and she said I needed to "eat more" so I could get a "better ass".

She reminds me a bit of my own mother and it makes me uncomfortable...

My PDmum has told me I would have a "drug" baby if I ever have a kid with my partner because he(not I) smokes greens...Surprise, surprise, we have a child and he's perfectly healthy. She's told me I'm not any "good" at my hobbies, tells me no one will love me as much as her basically and that I supposedly love my friends more than my own mother, said any guy who wants to get with me is only after sex and doesn't care about me among other things...My mother has also made comment about my body growing up, telling me I look"disgusting" and "boney". So, hearing PDMiL parrot back similar retorts caught me by surprised and made me angry. When I told my partner what she said, he just laughed it off as "my mom's just being my mom". I haven't really talked to him much since...I have a separate post here:

What to do if spouse chooses in-laws over you

Anyways yeah, that's my relationship with my mother and this particular day is one of my least favourites. Furthermore, I am not very partial on celebrating holidays in general. I have mostly bad memories of that from childhood...

I guess I could always "reclaim" mother's day and try to flip it to something positive but for the moment, I just don't feel particularly positive. 

[Amadahy]

It has varied over the years, for me. One year I was so distraught I booked that weekend at a treehouse retreat and cried the whole time. This year, with Nmom in long term care, I will send flowers and chocolates.  My three sons honor my wishes for a quiet day with no mommy duties. 

I don't like holidays or my birthday either.  However you choose to spend the day, I hope you find peace.  ❤️

[DistanceNotDefense]

I am just trying to ignore it best I can.

I don't even know what day it is....

Nobody tell me, please .... 

[moglow]

I dislike mother's day and the endless expectations it seems to imply. Granted all that is probably in my own mind but there you go. For years I went with funny cards and they were never "enough," so I reverted to "thinking of you today" texts that said nothing but were much closer to truth. It just didnt say *what* I'm thinking. Mother always seemed to believe she was due accolades and fanfare, never mind the realities of her mothering.

That tree house option though ... I could go for that right about now ...

[SparkStillLit]

I always take a plant over there for her planters. It's my day, too, so I don't spend terribly long.
I get flower 6 packs and bags of soil. It's precisely what I want, and I can garden my face off for the day. I leave my annual pots empty till this day.

[Andeza]

DH and I are quite casual about holidays and special occasions. I asked if he was going to do anything for me for mother's day, and he sat and thought about it for a bit and settled on taking DS camping for a night so I can have some quiet time. It's going to be lovely! We both regularly forget about things like our anniversary, and then remember days or weeks later and laugh about it.

I used to dread this particular holiday because flowers were expensive and I only sent them because I guess I thought I had to. Much more neutral now that we've been nc for over a year.

I think it's a bit hyped up by all the advertisements and whatnot though. All this "she deserves it" consumerism nonsense. They're assuming a lot about people's mothers.  I'll take my quiet time over a card, jewelry, or cut flowers any day. Not because I deserve it, but because I've actually earned it.

[SunnyMeadow]

I do something with her on the day before because the actual day is for me with my kids. I started this years ago when my children were small. At first I did combined MD breakfasts but  , when she started waifing about this and that, I put an end to it.

So the past 15 years I do lunch and flowers with her the day before. I don't have to put much thought into flowers, I buy the ones I think are pretty and call it good. I really dislike this Special Day (as it pertains to her), the expectation of the celebration, the tv commercials, social media pressures of "celebrating Mom".

I don't want my children to feel the pressure of Mother's Day. It's a day that someone made up and the greeting card/flower/candy/jewelry companies run with every year.

Andeza, the quiet time sounds lovely! Much better than flowers and a card.

[Cat of the Canals]

DH and I are quite casual about holidays and special occasions. I asked if he was going to do anything for me for mother's day, and he sat and thought about it for a bit and settled on taking DS camping for a night so I can have some quiet time. It's going to be lovely! We both regularly forget about things like our anniversary, and then remember days or weeks later and laugh about it.

My husband and I are the same way, and that generally extends to our FOOs as well. I usually call PD mom on the day, but I don't sent flowers or a card or anything like that. My husband has called PD mil in recent years, but I'm pretty sure there were years where he didn't.

If he decided he wanted to take his mother out for the day, that would be his decision. I would feel under no obligation to go. His family, his circus. We've had a mostly unspoken agreement for many years now that I deal with my FOO, and he deals with his.

As for how I feel about the holiday in general, it kind of feels like one of those perfunctory Hallmark holidays invented to get everyone to buy a card and flowers to me. If other people want to make a fuss about it, more power to them. But it doesn't mean much to me.

This is your day, too, OP. If you don't want to spend it with your mil, then don't.

[moglow]

BC, you ARE a mother and deserve to celebrate that however you wish - or not. Maybe let him rake the others to lunch and you enjoy the quiet time? Dont let visions of your (and your spouse's mother) dim your lights!

[Sunny77]

Hi

I'm NC with my mother and have been for about 3 years. Mother's Day, birthdays or any events have been rammed down my throat about " what she would like" " here is my list of gifts I want". Also as previously said the big fanfare and red carpet on all events.
Urgh when I think back. I would DREAD any event.
I remember once on a Mother's Day I phoned her at 1pm to say I would pop round with her card and present. She the told me to " Keep the F***ing card as I should have called in the morning"?!?! Then slammed phone down( this was usual) like WTF?!?😂

Anyhow I have my own kids and I'm happy with a little homemade card and that's it! No big gestures or anything. Both myself and brother are like that with any occasions as it always felt false and forced.......... not anymore thanks!

Do as you want. Chill out relax or whatever. But don't feel the pressure to do stuff. I absolutely understand it takes a while to have that mindset.

Take care

[ArmadilloKate]

I remember once on a Mother's Day I phoned her at 1pm to say I would pop round with her card and present. She the told me to " Keep the F***ing card as I should have called in the morning"?!?! Then slammed phone down( this was usual) like WTF?!?😂

Sunny I hate to say I WISH my mom were so blatantly rude. It would make it so much easier to say "yeah. No. We're done." Wow.

[DM178]

One word..Anxiety! Built in perfect excuse though this year, b/c of COVID.....Cliffs notes: UBPDM creates great build up to the day, wanting lots of attention, activities and gifting....absolutely like dealing with a small toddler. Really hate this day, and will limit the time spent with her and FOO. UGH!

Knowing this is one of the toughest days of the year for those of us with U or D BPD Moms..wishing everyone here a peaceful day!

[11JB68]

On top of the looming anniversary, Updh asked tonight what I want for mother's day. My answer: nothing.
My DS23 on his own, gave me a beautiful card and cute gifts last year, that was wonderful.
With Updh it's like an opportunity for him to make an appearance of making up for all the abuses the rest of the year.

[Morocha2015]

So glad you asked this question so we can all commiserate! Like most of you can relate, HPDm was never happy with whatever I did for her, as it was never good enough. I remember having a full on panic attack because for some reason the mail carrier didn't pick up the card and I realized it was going to get there a day late. As a kid I remember making and buying jewelry for her that she never wore. Now when my kids make something, you better believe I'm wearing it everywhere we go! Once as a teen I had a job and bought her a foot massager and scrub with my own money, and bought a beautiful box to put it in. She handed it back to me and told me to give it to someone else because she didn't want it. There was no way to worship her enough. And when I became a mom, not one time ever did she wish me happy mother's day or give any indication that I was allowed to do anything for myself. It used to be such a day of anxiety for me.

Now 3rd year NC I have way less stress. I do feel some obligation to the older women in my life who have helped me fill the mother void, even though they don't make any demands on me. I honestly feel weird with my own kids. When they get excited about making me something I feel really anxious. I don't deserve their adoration, and I don't want them to feel like they have to give it. But I also love their little handmade cards. All I want is that and to not have to cook dinner.

[gcj07a]

This year we will be with DW's M and GM, both of whom I love dearly. Being NC with my unBPm makes Mother's Day hard in the sense that I am aware of the cultural pressure to celebrate MOM, but easier because I don't have to interact with her at all or pretend to want to celebrate her. It is all very complicated as well because my birthday is always the same week as mother's day (and is occasionally the same day) AND I share a birthday with my F (growing up he was an enabler, but he has since divorced M), so Mother's Day is also a reminder that growing up I didn't really matter to my parents since they had their own celebrations. I really want to just curl up in a ball all weekend and watch movies, but I am at least going to try to be happy for DW's side of the family.

[JustKeepTrying]

I was born on Mother's Day and my birthday falls on it this year.  So today I am a mixed bag of emotions and this post finds me reflecting on that this pre-Mother's Day.

My mother has passed.  She passed before I was diagnosed with PTSD and I want so badly to tell her all the things that she did that contributed to my diagnosis.  Not being there when I was raped in college or abused by my brother or how she turned her head each time I told her about my OCPDxh.  If I hear "You made your bed . . . " one more time. 

But today I reflect on my own motherhood and how I stayed in an abusive marriage and damaged my own kids who have drunk my ex's kool-aid and barely speak to me.  How they think I have either lost it or neglected them or probably don't think of me at all.

So I'm trying to forgive my mother - forgive for myself so that I can let that boulder go - she did what she could with the information and social mores of the time.  I am hoping that someday in the future my children can do that for themselves.

In the end, Mother's Day and Birthdays are artificial holidays.  I think tomorrow I will go out into the woods and walk and have some quiet me time.

[completelyperdue]

This will actually be my first Mother's Day since going NC with my uNPD/HPDm back in February. I am actually quite relieved that I don't have that obligation to get her flowers or a card with stuff written in it that is meant for someone who actually cares for their child.

I have always hated Mother's Day and Father's Day because it was a scathing reminder to me of what I did not have in a loving mother or a loving family as you see all of those commericals with happy moms and kids giving that happy mom a Mother's Day gift.

Yes, I do feel as though there are some women who have truly earned the title of being a mother to their children and maybe having a day to celebrate good mothers is an okay thing. What I cannot stand is how there are these commerical and societial expectations pushed on us that we need to celebrate all women who are mothers regardless if they were abusive or not.

I was starting to feel guilty as Mother's Day approached, but then I reread some of the posts that I have placed here over the years, and I asked myself the question," If I were on the outside looking in, would I consider those actions the actions of someone that I could call a mother?" I can honestly say that a lot of those actions are those of someone I would call a monster and not that of a mother and someone that I would not honor on a holiday like Mother's Day. It really helped me to get rid of those feelings of guilt of breaking NC by getting uNPD/HPDm some flowers or a card tomorrow.

For me, tomorrow is going to be a relaxing Sunday enjoying some nature at the botanical gardens near my home with my DH's family who have treated me more as their kid than my family ever did.

[feelingandhealing]

This is the first Mother's Day since going NC with uNPDM in Aug of 2020. So it's a tough day with plenty of emotions being experienced. DW and I used to always get my uNPDM a card, flowers and either have her over for a meal or take her out for a meal. Over the past few years, selecting a card for uNPDM  became increasingly difficult. I could no longer purchase one of those cards with mushy words that I honestly did not feel and could not relate to. For many years, I used to buy that kind of a card because those were the kinds of words that she wanted and needed to her. Lately, I'd buy a card that basically said Happy Mother's Day and that was it. And even doing that was difficult as I wasn't truly happy and of course neither was/is she.

So it's a somewhat a sad day where I grieve not having the type of Mother I wanted and needed (ie one who supported me) and I grieve the fact I did not have a proper adult relationship with my Mom and the fact that I never will. I feel that sense of grief on most days. Today, on Mother's Day, the grief is stronger than normal. 

On a positive note, it is extremely pleasant not to spend time with her on Mother's Day.  I used to walk on eggshells in her presence on that day. Being with her and DW at the same time became quite unbearable. I do not miss those experiences. I do not miss witnessing uNPDM's narcissistic traits on Mother's Day or experiencing her emotional abuse on the day.

So how do I feel about Mother's Day?  I feel awkward which means I am experiencing some soft shame and guilt. Plenty of those emotions come from what our society depicts Mother's Day to be like and some of those emotions come from the shame she projected on to me. The sense of guilt comes from knowing I have an old-aged and lonely Mother who lives in the same city, just about 15mins away from me.

I am encouraged to know many of us here are not alone with similar feelings and emotions about Mother's Day. It's time to give ourselves the compassion we all need. Sending hugs and love to all of us who had PD Moms and who struggle on Mother's Day     

[BefuddledClarity]

Hello everyone! I've read each and every one of the replies and holy moly can I relate! This day happens to be one of my least favourite holidays in the year...And I have celebrated holidays in about a decade or so until recentish due to having my own child.

I took some advice here, and just ended up doing me on Mother's Day pretty much. Just relaxed for the most part, watched movies, and played videogames with partner. He even ordered me food for mother's day too.

Originally, we were going to go to a mother's day dinner with SiL and MiL but partner and I ended up in an argument about it...

I didn't want to go, because I end up being the resident babysitter to other kids (aka, toddler niece...) And my own baby. She always pushes him and yells at son too. Then son is really hyper and bored being cooped up inside, I have to constantly stop him from going places he isn't supposed to.

My partner tends to wander off and hang out with "the boys" while I'm stuck watching kids all day, then also hearing his family criticize me as well. I just rather not go.

Also, we've been hanging out with in-laws almost every weekend prior to this one and we both wanted to rest from that. So this week was supposed to be resting week. I really didn't care if partner wanted to go, I just wanted to stay home and rest but he said he won't go without me...Sometimes, I have an inkling feeling I'm brought by partner to places to watch our son so partner can do what he wants and so his family can see son at the same time without having to watch him either lol.

Anyways, we cooled off after the argument and that's when we just decided to chill at home. I enjoyed yesterday and was able to relax.