Need your opinions

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Associate of Daniel

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Need your opinions
« on: May 04, 2021, 07:57:01 AM »
Am I missing something here?

Ds14 lives during the week with his uNPD father and uNPD smother in their apartment.

I pick him up twice per week at the same time each day.  Their apartment is not visible from where I park and they can't see my car.  (I deliberately park where they can't see the car because uNPD smother spies out the window otherwise.)

I think age 14 is well and truly old enough for someone to make their way to a waiting car at the same time each relevant day, without waiting for a text from the person collecting them telling them they are there.

The uNPDs insist that I text ds14 and both of them each time I arrive, even though often neither of the uNPDs are there.

What do you think?

Ds14 is a very responsible and mature teenager and would like to have that recognised by being allowed to just make his way downstairs to his mum (me) at the appointed time, without any texting happening.

He's not brave enough to tell the uNPDs though. And they sure as eggs won't listen to me.

Am I missing something here?  Is there a legitimate reason for the uNPDs insistence on me texting them when I arrive? (Other than their need for attention and control)

AOD

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Bloomie

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Re: Need your opinions
« Reply #1 on: May 04, 2021, 11:06:08 AM »
AOD - if your ex is not home - say at work or out running errands - I can see them wanting your DS to text them and confirm he is on the road with you at that age. Otherwise, if home he can simply say goodbye as he leaves. 

A 14 yo is old enough to be responsible to communicate directly to either parent about his whereabouts as it seems he desires to be. Is it possible to simply make that change as your son transitions into these age appropriate responsibilities?

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Stepping lightly

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Re: Need your opinions
« Reply #2 on: May 04, 2021, 11:38:33 AM »
I think Bloomie is right on.  If the PDs are not home when he leaves, I think it's fair for them to know he successful left with you.  My DSD is now 15 and has a cell phone, and it has been a true blessing because she is able to now handle that communication.  I think it would be fair for you to text DSS when you arrive, and for him to text his dad once he is safely in the car with you and on your way. 

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Free2Bme

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Re: Need your opinions
« Reply #3 on: May 04, 2021, 11:44:30 AM »
 :yeahthat:

Although I understand your frustration with your xH and smother, I would try and compartmentalize this with DS. 

Some things are just good rules of practice.  My DD (22yo) sometimes picks up my DD (15yo) from school.  I have complete trust in 22DD as she is responsible, however I still ask for a confirmation text that 15DD was picked up and made her connection with 22 sister. 

If xH and smother are using this to 'track' you, so what.  Use this as an opportunity to establish safe communication habits with 14DS.  When he gets in the car with you, nicely say to him "please text your dad and let him know you have been picked up". 

There will inevitably be circumstances in the future where you will want DS to have this practice with you.  It boils down to safety and consideration for parents.  However, i don't see why you would need to include smother, unless xH was out of town or something.

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Free2Bme

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Re: Need your opinions
« Reply #4 on: May 04, 2021, 11:47:39 AM »
addendum.....

The word I was looking for is accountability.  We teach our teens to practice accountability as they transition into more freedoms. 

 ;)

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acc1984

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Re: Need your opinions
« Reply #5 on: May 04, 2021, 03:01:00 PM »
Ugh, this sort of thing drives me crazy. When the PD's use the kids to try to "control" you it's so hard to know how to respond. My initial instinct is to fight back or defy the requests but I think I've learned that as long as there is no danger involved, just an inconvenience/annoyance to me, it's not worth the fight. I like the suggestion that you lean into it and also have DS text them that he's in the car and you're on the way. I feel like that takes some of the power away from them. It's hard to fight against someone who is essentially agreeing with you. If you don't give them the fight they want, they'll probably lose interest in the whole thing anyway. I hope this helps. Good luck!   

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mamato3

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Re: Need your opinions
« Reply #6 on: May 04, 2021, 05:05:11 PM »
I would not text the SM. I guess I'd text your ex with a quick "got him" and leave it at that. They are the worst.

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pushit

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Re: Need your opinions
« Reply #7 on: May 04, 2021, 06:41:13 PM »
At 14 years old your son is old enough to stay home alone, and is perfectly capable of notifying dad and smother if you didn't show up for some reason.  No need for you to be checking in with your ex at pick up time.

If it were me, I would not text dad and smother that you are there to pick up.  That just seems like a way to give you orders and control you.  My gut check for this kind of thing is "am I required to do this in any way legally?"  If the answer is no, I ignore the controlling request.  If my ex tells me I need to comply, I tell her to go ahead and call her lawyer.  She never has.  I found the more I refused to do things like this the fewer requests I got, I hear very little from her nowadays which is great.

That said, I think it's appropriate for your son to send them a quick text that he is leaving with you, it's totally reasonable for a parent to want an update on their kid's whereabouts.

My recommendation is just stop sending the texts and have your son send them the update as suggested by Free2BeMe.  If they demand you text them, just reply "DS14 is perfectly capable of letting you know I picked him up" and don't respond further.

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JustKeepTrying

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Re: Need your opinions
« Reply #8 on: May 04, 2021, 08:07:22 PM »
 :yeahthat:

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sevenyears

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Re: Need your opinions
« Reply #9 on: May 05, 2021, 08:41:17 AM »
AOD - I understand your frustration of being controlled and having your whereabouts monitored - as an adult! On the other hand, I would want to know where my child is. I like the idea of others to have DS text a message, unless you are legally advised to do so. Having DS do it, takes some of the power away from PDX, and, even better, shows DS that you believe he is capable of such a responsibility. Plus it teaches him to let people know where he is and where he's going.

I'm having a similar type problem with my ExH unocpd. He wants me to record DS' speech therapist's conversations with me so that he can listen to them afterwards. It's not enough that she writes down the exercises in a book that DS takes back and forth (and for him to call her if he has a question). No, he wants to go with me, or for her to let me record her. Nope. Not doing it. I have agreed to a joint phone call for coordination. But I am not going to record her every two weeks so that ExH can monitor our conversations.

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Associate of Daniel

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Re: Need your opinions
« Reply #10 on: May 06, 2021, 09:30:00 AM »
Thank-you, everyone.

As I expected you all have the same opinion as me.

I would have ds14 text his uNPD father letting him know that he had met with me.

But his uNPD father and uNPD also track his phone so they'd know anyway.

I think I will broach this with the uNPD exH in a couple of months.

There is a one off agreement between him and me that enables ds14 to spend a weekend away with my family.

I need to keep things calm. Otherwise he'll reneg.

So frustrating.

AOD

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pushit

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Re: Need your opinions
« Reply #11 on: May 06, 2021, 12:08:07 PM »
I understand that you don't want to upset the one-off agreement you have with him, but I'm going to challenge you on this.  Why is it your responsibility to keep him calm?


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Associate of Daniel

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Re: Need your opinions
« Reply #12 on: May 06, 2021, 02:05:25 PM »
It's not.

But I need him calm to keep the one off agreement in place and... ds14 lives with the uNPDs.  The less drama the better for ds.

AOD

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pushit

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Re: Need your opinions
« Reply #13 on: May 06, 2021, 02:13:53 PM »
I totally get it, there's a strategy we have to play at times in order to get them to cooperate like a rational adult. 

I brought up the question just to make the point that a lot of times the best thing you can do is set your boundaries based solely on what you want, and let the PD react however they will.  That strategy has worked really well for me.  I make my own decisions, set firm boundaries, speak my mind, and let my exPDw blow up in front of the school, therapists, the kids, whomever.  In just two years my world has shifted dramatically, now people want to speak with me about issues with the kids and keep her in the background.  I didn't have to convince anyone of anything, I just let my ex's behavior do the work for me.