I feel stained

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I feel stained
« on: May 04, 2021, 08:04:45 AM »
I'm a lot better regarding the uNPDs in my life.  I no longer ruminate about them and lead a relatively calm life despite their continued presence.(We have a teenage son.)  I'm as healed as I can be, I think.

But there is the constant hum of them in the background.  I thought recently that it's like a stain on my life. One that I can't remove, at least not until ds14 is an independent adult.  And even then I think the stain will always be there. Especially if I remain single for the rest of my life, which is quite likely.

I'm interested to know if anyone has reached the point where they feel completely free of their pds.  Like it was just a bad dream that they've now forgotten.

That's where I'd like to get to.

AOD

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GettingOOTF

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Re: I feel stained
« Reply #1 on: May 04, 2021, 08:19:36 AM »
I don’t think anyone is ever completely free of the their past. I think of mine as less of a “stain” and more of a “scar”. Over the years my scar has become much less noticeable but it’s still there. It is more noticeable in certain “light”, for example in relationships with men. I am a lot more cautious and guarded than women who have not been through what I have.

One of the hardest parts of my healing was accepting what happened to me and putting it behind me. For me this took a lot of inner work. I see now that if I hadn’t married my ex I would have married someone just like him. I’m no longer angry at him and I don’t blame him for what happened. While I didn’t deserve any of it and he’s a terrible person, I was there too.

For me a lot of the healing has been acceptance and giving up the idea that I will ever get any kind of apology or justice. For years I was stuck and angry at him. I focused on all that he had in his great new life and all that I had lost. I eventually was able to drop that rope. This allowed me to see clearly that it was actually my life that is pretty great. I’m now working on filling the missing parts of my life, gaining the resilience and skills that I never developed as a child. My ex hasn’t changed a bit. I saw a picture of him a couple of weeks ago. He started following me from a new social media account. There is nothing about him or his life that I want now. My feelings towards him are the same as to a stranger who looks, acts and lives like he does. I’d simply never interact with him. It’s no longer who I am.

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Associate of Daniel

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Re: I feel stained
« Reply #2 on: May 07, 2021, 06:04:59 AM »
Thanks, Getting OOTF.

I feel pretty much the same about my uNPD exH as you do about yours.

I think the "stain" I feel is partly because I have to share ds14 with the upds.  His life has not turned out the way I thought it would  because of uNPD exH's future faking and choices.

And I'm constantly trying to navigate the chaos of his choices regarding ds.

It reminds me of the days when I used to perform (singer).  There was always that nagging worry of "Have I memorised the lyrics properly?" or yet another piece I still had to learn.

I loved singing but the memorisation was always a niggle.

UNPD exH and his uNPD wife are that niggle.  When's the other she going to drop?  Grrr, I still have deal with his latest email etc.

Anyway.  That's just my lot, I guess.

AOD

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Poison Ivy

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Re: I feel stained
« Reply #3 on: May 07, 2021, 08:37:57 PM »
Sometimes it helps to remind myself that without my imperfect ex-husband and his NPD father, my children would not exist at all. They're the best thing in my life.

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Re: I feel stained
« Reply #4 on: May 07, 2021, 10:10:16 PM »
Absolutely!

I cannot begin to describe how blessed I am to be mum to my ds14.  He is a wonderful young man.

I am so keenly aware that being a parent is an incredible privilege and honour.  I'm so glad to be enabled to be a mum.

AOD

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1footouttadefog

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Re: I feel stained
« Reply #5 on: May 09, 2021, 08:31:02 PM »
Happy Mothers Day AOD and others.

If your son is a great kid, he will come through this okay.

I have a 21 and 17 year old and I am at the place where I can see their freedom from being around PDs increasing. One is at University and will be back again in fall.  Her time away from home is going well and she is gaining a life away from the house.

My youngest will be driving soon and will be in campus at the Jr. College in the winter.  She is doing well also.

They are polite and interact well away from home with kids and adults alike. They can both give presentations and interact with campus offices and profs and such well enough and tthey engage in social and volunteer activities well.

They are substance abuse free and have good work ethics, and conservative financial attitudes so they will be alright despite the drama and pdness of the home they grew up in.

JUST Be mom, it's enough, it really is. 


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athene1399

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Re: I feel stained
« Reply #6 on: May 10, 2021, 06:52:50 PM »
Itís tough when you have to communicate due to having a child together. Things calmed down with SO and I when We didnít have to talk to BM anymore. And what is so triggering with BM is I would feel how my exes or FOO make me feel. Like the others were saying, there was this wound from childhood that I needed to work on. Some days I feel like the PDs in my life canít touch me, they wonít get a reaction out of me, while other days I still am that wounded child. Thereís just so much to unpack. But I also try to view it all as a learning experience. Learning how to speak to BM has helped me so much. Learning self care has too. Without the bad experiences I wouldnít have grown from them.

I hope this helps and I am not off topic. And happy Motherís Day!!!

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Boat Babe

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Re: I feel stained
« Reply #7 on: May 10, 2021, 07:20:44 PM »
My take on ,"bad things happen" iois that they do, for all sorts of reasons, to every soul on the planet.  Inescapable.  But if we learn from them, life really does get better.

I'm not of the "things happen for a reason " persuasion, but I know that without my run ins with PD boyfriends, following a pretty traumatic childhood, I wouldn't be who I am today. And I'm really OK with the person I've matured into. I like her!

Maybe all we can take from our awful stories is what we have learnt about ourselves and others.  I feel that this forum does just that, so very well.

And compassion. We develop that  as understanding grows. 
It gets better. It has to.