Need tips for settlement. What do you wish you had included?

[Bunnyme]

Writing the settlement agreement.  I've seen some tips like being as specific as possible, including that the children should be ready at pickup time, and even that communication will be through a parenting app.  Wouldnt have thought of that.  Anything else you are glad you included or wish you had included?  Did you limit communication with the kids in any way?  They are always welcome to reach out to him, but he has a tendency to do 30 min video chats nightly, and calls repeatedly until I pick up.

[eyesopen]

Communication through a parenting app is a really good idea. I didn't have that in my plan, but have since started using Talking Parents to communicate. Every communication is saved and time-stamped for when each person reads it. That alone helps to censor much of the harassment and derogatory comments. It also has a shared calendar that's easy to use. I started using it thanks to a no-contact order that limits exW's communication with me to just stuff about our child.

As for communication with the kids, mine was originally written with cooperative parenting in mind. It says that each parent will make every reasonable effort to maintain free access and communication between the child and the other parent at appropriate and reasonable times. It's the "appropriate and reasonable" language that means I can limit calls. My daughter isn't old enough to have her own phone though, so I'm probably in for a load of new issues once she has one giving her direct access to her mom whenever either of them chooses.

There are some other statements in the plan saying that each parent has equal and independent authority to confer with schools or daycare, to obtain routine and emergency medical and dental care. Also that each parent agrees to honor the other parent's parenting style, privacy, authority, religious activities, and decisions as to how and where the children will spend time.

My plan also says that neither parent shall make derogatory comments about the other parent. ExW freely says in front of our child that she hates me, tells me "F--- You," says she hopes that I die, and a whole bunch of other insults. So.... just because it's in a legal document signed by a judge doesn't mean it'll alter anyone's behavior. Enforcing it means escalating things with more lawyers, more money, more arguments, and more time, all of which aren't in the child's best interest. So it's a question of which is more damaging to the child, the parent's violation of the plan or the court battle.

[Associate of Daniel]

Our court orders are much the same as eyesopen's.

One thing my solicitor told me a few times is that the court can tell a parent to do this , not do that etc..  but the court can't make someone behave.

Essentially, court orders are not worth the paper they're printed on, unless you have tons of money and the will to keep going back to court.

And even then, it's basically a slap on the wrist for going against them.  Very  rarely will the court take children's time away from a parent unless there's proof of harm to the child.

One parent manipulating, falsely accusing, abusing the other in email communication is likely not considered harmful to the child.

Pds will always twist the court orders to mean something else.

That said though, do have them drawn up. It helps to set routine for the kids and yourself. And if your pd is afraid of authority, court orders may work well for you.

AOD

[hhaw]

Try to have details for child exchanges written out in detail.  If the kids get picked up at school, the ax can't jerk you around with late/early pick ups, for instance. 

Including things like timeframes for pick ups and consequences for failing to meet them, enforcible through the courts, is recommended.

You dropping kids off, opposed to waiting for PDex to pick them up in your home, might be better for you.  Maybe a neutral location for exchanges with witnesses and ability to document?

Every case is different, ime.  Balancing what's best for the kiddos, while protecting one's sanity, is a balancing act.

Really think it through.  How can you limit the pd chaos manufacture with regard to visitation?  Phone calls?  Skype, etc?  Be very precise and get it in the Agreement.  Make sure it's enforceable in the courts. 

I've never gotten this far, but maybe write in visitation drops down to X visits IF the PD skips X number of visits, but only if that's a problem.

Whatever you feel will be trouble, ask counter measures be put in place accordingly, proactively and be ready to include yourself in it.....dont single out the PD as reason for them, in other words.  Say both parties to abide by them.....like you're thoughtfully working for the PD's benefit, as well as your own.  You already know you'll abide. 

If the PD resist or goes nuts over your detailed parenting plan......perhaps attorneys and Judge will see WHY you're asking for them and help push them through.

It's worth thinking everything through and getting it in writing.......it cuts out a step or 2 if the PD is impossible to deal with. 

Think through how you'll document, as well.  Make things easier on yourself.  Make sure the details mean the PD exposes themself when deviating from the written agreement so you do less work documenting.

I asked the kid's T to monitor the PD's behaviors with the children, FOR my kids, to be paid for by the PDs.  The PDs went nuts, yelled in the courthouse and stormed out on a sweetheart deal they should have jumped on, bc they're pathologically unable to agree to anything.

This helped my attorney see WHY we had to have a trial.

It helped the retired Judge brokering that deal to see how nuts the PDs were.....and so know she told our trial Judge all about it, which was a bigger deal than I realized at the time.

You're always looking for ways to put safety measures in place while cutting out pd nonsense and trouble.

You always say it's for the children's best interests and you remain the children's advocate and calm caretaker....always about them.

Good luck,

[JustKeepTrying]

Advice for the financial side - make sure you include all the retirement plans - going back to the beginning.  Each job could have a different plan and in my state I was entitled to half - including a plan from twenty years ago.

Think carefully about all the accounts - get past tax statements and make sure you have accounted for all bank accounts. I found money stashed all over.  Also watch for bills - you could be liable for half of those as well.

Have you thought through personal items.  Think carefully through what is in the house and do you have what you want.

Is there a college fund?  Who has access to it?  Who is the legal owner?  Make sure you retain ownership.