How to navigate through this mess? Suggestions please!

[potteringabout]

Today is a hard day, I wish I was tougher and more of the no nonsense type but I'm not there yet.  It's been a month since it started and we've been together for a long time. 

I left my house because he called the police and accused me of DV, I can't go back and I desperately want to speak to him.  I think he did that because he was scared that I was going to throw him out and make him homeless.  The relationship hasn't been great for 6 months or so.  He wanted to see a couples therapist which I agreed to but finding someone who is going to be straight with a BDP person is hard.  I'm open to any recommendations here.

The therapists I've found have some sort of personal experience  or emotional trauma and have recovered, I don't think I would want to be speaking with someone who is overly compassionate and has rose tinted glasses on that he can make things better.  He has wimp of a therapist and I won't go to him.

He can see sense normally, although it takes a few hours off talking, at the same time I am scared of what he may do if I speak with him.  The  conversation would be about moving things forward to separate as I can never trust him, nor would I feel safe around him.  I've been told NC and it's all I see everywhere but I still want to give it a go and see if we can solve this amicably.    If I don't speak with him he go more further into his delusions of what happened and if I do he may get worse.  I thought it best to meet him somewhere public that way he can't accuse me of anything.

Is it possible? 

The other thing is I can't stay on someone's couch indefinitely.    So how can I go back to the house, all my belongings are there.  What do you do in this kind of situation?  The police aren't much help as they take the path of least resistance, give him what he wants.  If I get lawyers involved now, he'll get worse and because he has no where to go, we'll likely end up having to share the house anyway until it gets sold.

I've worked, saved and invested, he hasn't had a stable job for almost 10 years, he'll want as much as he can get out of me from courts as he has nothing but a small savings pot which I didn't know about but has come to light now.  Last time I told him to get a job he tried to kill himself and this time he came up with this plan. 

Any suggestions and how I can navigate through this mess.

[JustKeepTrying]

Irob20,

There is a great deal to unpack here and I want to proceed carefully.  I was married for 32 years to my OCPDxh.  I walked out after I feared for my physical safety.  Before that, I contemplated it over and over and bitterly regret that I did not.  But I wasn't ready.  I wasn't Out of the FOG.  And even today, almost two years to the day that I walked out, I miss him and I miss the few good times I had.  Then I read over my journal (a suggestion given here and I use regularly) and it reminds me that he made the decision to emotionally and financially abuse and physical intimidation.  I excused his behavior over the years but suddenly, it became very real.  I could unsee it and I will never feel safe around him again.

But that took decades and when I made the move, I can say despite those times of missing the family moments, I have never been happier.  I do not regret leaving but it took a great deal of work.

We tried couples therapy three times with three separate therapists.  He is too good a manipulator and never really gave the process a shot.  I finally decided that regardless, I needed therapy - it was actually forced on me to treat my PTSD.  Through that process my eyes were opened, my self-confidence grew and I developed the skills to set and keep my boundaries.  If he won't go or you can't find someone, find someone for yourself.  You owe it to yourself.

As for will he change, I don't know.  Statistics and research are not in your favor.  The only thing you change is yourself.  Do it for yourself.

In terms of logistics, those answers can be found at a lawyer's.  Just going to one and asking does not make a divorce or separation.  It means that you are arming yourself with the information you need to move forward.

If you need space to heal, consider a legal separation.  That may give you the room you need to heal, think and take stock of your situation.

I think with time you will find that all of this started more than a month ago.  This most recent craziness started a month ago.  You sound like a smart, kind, and empathic person.  You deserve happiness and joy in your life.  You posted here and found this forum - that means you are stronger than you think.

[ploughthrough2021]

You need to take your time. Do a lot of planning and don't tell him your plan.  Get good legal advice. And keep in as good terms as possible with him in the meantime.  When the time is right, free yourself and get a better life.  I am in the same process with my STBXW with UNPD.  Stay strong and good luck !

[PAY]

Great support here and I echo what's been said.
We tried 4 couples counselors.  The 3rd one fired us on the 3rd session (my husband brought his whole personality, finally, to that one and she wouldn't tolerate it).  Then we did a couple sessions with a mediator to try and come to a compromise (on that latest, current disagreement).

It was really hard for me to come on this forum and read any of it initially.  It was so painful and I was in the FOG and denial.  My therapist sent me here.  It still took me a very long time to come Out of the FOG.  But she said to me recently that it's like seeing behind the curtain on the Wizard of Oz.  Once you've seen behind the curtain, you can't unsee it.  I may get foggy still but my eyes are open now and I just wait for it-and not very long-and the behavior comes back again.

We are all different however.  I'm just sharing my experience.  He keeps suggesting an intensive couples counseling weekend (like this is going to be fixed in a weekend).  I have said I'd do couples counseling locally if he pays for it.  No dice. Not surprised. 

One last thing...has the person you're staying with said it's time to go?  Maybe it's ok to be there for now.  Or stay with someone else.  Sometimes it's just our own anxieties that make us think someone wouldn't be ok with us staying as long as we need to. 

Big hugs.
PAY

[Free2Bme]

Dear potteringabout,

This is so tough.  If you were sitting here having coffee with me and telling me this, I would implore you to protect yourself (legally, mentally, emotionally, etc.). 

I completely understand your desire to have a conversation with him, prior good times, but none of that matters now because HE IS WILLING TO HAVE YOU ARRESTED FOR DV.  His fear of  being thrown out and homeless has upped the anti to falsely accusing you of a crime, at this point there is no more trust, period.  The DV threat is just another version of the threat of suicide, he wants to control you while preserving his 'lifestyle'.  Someone that is operating this way is not concerned with your best interests, needs, wishes, etc, this is not love.  You stated that you are afraid, this is never normal.  Don't allow him to control you with threats, fear or hoovering.  I would go ZERO contact and only speak to him through attorneys, otherwise you go down with his ship.

If you need access to house to retrieve your belongings, arrange a police escort, and take a friend so there are witnesses. 
I would talk to a lawyer to find out your options, and speak with a T so you can have support and change some of the internal dialogue.  When we go back things typically get much worse.  (many stories on this board for illustration)

You sound like a lovely person, you are deserving of SO MUCH MORE.   
~take care

[JustKeepTrying]

I have been in therapy for a few years but I go to a specialist.  She specializes in trauma and uses EMDR (eye movement desensitization).  The reason I mention it is that she was better equipped for handling the recipient of PDs.  Look for that angle and you might find someone you click with.  And click is the key here - it took several goes before I found someone I liked.  (six to be exact)

Also, read "Why does he do that?"  I found it helpful.  There was a workbook on gaslighting and I gained a lot of insight into that.

Journaling Journaling Journaling. Do a written dump every night to rid yourself of those feelings and thoughts.  It was an incredible help for me.  I can't recommend it enough.

I am sending you peace, wisdom, and respite. 

[Stillirise]

Even though our situations are different, I think most of us can personally relate to what you say here.  I have been in therapy, and while it was helpful at times, I feel like I had to do the work on myself in regard to coming Out of the FOG.  I felt therapy offered some nuggets to ponder and some platitudes, but it took me really working, for a couple years, both through this forum and elsewhere, to really make progress.  I can tell you, as someone who can now see the other side, all the work is worth it.  In addition to the books you already have, or have been recommended, you might find "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" by Fjelstad, helpful as well.