Giving up

[Happypants]

Has anyone ever decided to acquiesce in some relationships to save energy to deal with others?  I don't mean to sound so negative - I mean more as a self-care tool.

I'm still struggling on and off with major fatigue - partially down to an ongoing health issue, being a woman in her forties, and also down to general monkey brain antics.  There's the rumination about my family, which is my reason for being on this forum, but is something I often get a handle on by cultivating awareness of how it affects me.  But there's also the wider issues of dealing with other relationship dynamics (the normal, non-pd) and what appears to be power struggles and my choice to strive to make sure I'm not taken for granted, or just getting left to be the one to take on the emotional labour of day to day living. Not an uncommon scenario and no blame lands all on one side.  If I continue to fight for equality in those other areas, on top of PD issues, I feel like I'm sacrificing what energy I have left for career development and enjoying life. I just don't have the capacity to deal with all three. 

**I'm currently trying to work, but took a break from torturing my poor depleted brain  to come here to post for advice.  Mid-type, Phone rings "mum & dad", I ignore and plan to call them later as I have work to do and you never know how the call's going to go.  Instead of the usual voicemail ping, it rings again STRAIGHT AWAY.  I panic because they don't phone repeatedly unless there's an emergency, as has happened twice in the last month (father taken into hospital, then mother having a fall).  I answer, father laughs (knowingly?  ), there's nothing wrong, just phoning to say "hello".  My head's all over place, I'm knackered, and I know I'm not capable of making conversation, so when he asks what i'm doing, I lightheartedly say i'm working, to which he says he'll let me get on and speak to me later.  I already felt dread because they phoned yesterday and left a message saying they'd speak to me later.  I come off the phone feeling: a) like i'm a liar saying i'm working, which is ridiculous because i'm trying to work, b) guilty, because he ended the call with no badness, c) like I've now had a massive adrenaline surge and crash, and more flattened (with a serving of guilt) knowing I'll need to speak to them later.  Plus, the question of whether ringing repeatedly in quick succession is their new way of getting me to answer **

So, from the beginning of typing this post, to this point, I've gone through a whole mini cycle of contact-related guilt/shame/frustration/panic/dread/guilt, and am more flattened than when I started the post.  How do others deal with other relationship challenges while giving so much energy to Project PD?

Edited to add: just received kind but slightly negative feedback on some recent work after posting this.  I made silly mistakes and didn't appear to read the brief properly  I need my headspace and energy back! 

[Fiasco]

What helps me in a situation like this, and around here we've all been tricked and then laughed at about it, is to do something to regain control. You pointed out that calling repeatedly has happened twice due to legitimate emergencies and you're correct BUT I ask you to think about what would have happened if those calls had gone to voicemail. You're not actually 911 or an ambulance or an ER doctor. Whether or not you pick up the calls should not affect the outcome of a real emergency.

So maybe you can regain your feeling of being in control by never answering their calls, only return calls at your discretion. Better yet set their calls to go straight to voicemail (I've done this to BPDm) and then you'll never answer on accident or even be tempted! And if they're the type to call you BEFORE they call 911 so you can beg them to, or so you can be the one to drive to the hospital then tough crap. They'll figure out quickly how to sort out a real emergency from not.

Wishing you a calmer headspace

[Cat of the Canals]

I have a very specific version of this that happened recently. My brother-in-law died unexpectedly in January. He and my husband were very close. And one of the things I found myself worrying about in those first few days was telling my mother. She'd never met my BIL, so there was no need to notify her of his passing in that way. But it was the kind of thing she'd find out sooner or later, and I know she resents that I don't "confide" in her. Which is true, frankly. I hate having to give her any sensitive information.

I was trying to decide how many days I could go before telling her would become awkward. I kept ruminating on this before I had sudden revelation: I'm grieving. My husband is grieving. My first priority is my FOC. NOT MY MOTHER. She is a grown woman. She requires nothing from me. She's the last person I needed to be worrying about. To continue to let my thoughts wander to her and what she wants or what she'll think... it was absurd. And so every time that nagging worry popped up again, I would say to myself, "I've got bigger things to consider right now. She can wait."

It was a bit of a gamechanger for me. And while it came out of a somewhat extreme scenario, I don't think it needed to. My life is separate from hers. I'm not responsible for her or to her. I take care of ME and my life first. IF I have anything left over after that, and IF I feel in a place where I am willing to give her some of my [precious and finite] time, then I will consider it.

So I guess my answer is that I quit giving so much energy to Project PD. I simple hit a point where there wasn't anything left. If you've hit that point, I say embrace it.

[JustKeepTrying]

I used to call it the empty bucket syndrome. The bucket being my energy/creativity/critical thinking skills, etc.   ANd when I lived with OCPDxh, my bucket was often empty.  The demands and walking on eggshells sucked me dry and created massive physical issues.  So how did I - Do i fill my bucket? 

For me, it was time by myself.  I am a complete Myers-Briggs Introvert.  I get my energy from myself.  I have to be alone - completely.  Not just in a room or a bath - but alone with no anticipation of someone walking in etc. (Which he did whenever I tried to take bath/creepy).  Once I took a whole vacation by myself.  Very healing.  I would limit phone calls and even tell them, no.  I will not answer your calls.  This is my time.

That worked for me and filled my bucket.  So what works for you?  Is a hot bubble bath with wine your thing?  Yoga?  Meditation - that helps.  I think there must be something to all of those yoga meditation things since they have been around forever.  I enjoy meditation - I'm just not good at it yet.

Journaling helps.  Write all the poison out of the system and let it go.  Pour it onto the page every thought that you don't even want to admit you are thinking.  Write it out and then close the book.  It can be very satisfying


Sending you healing thoughts

[Happypants]

Thanks for the responses and apologies for not replying sooner.

Fiasco - Thanks, your response really got me thinking.  Late last year, my mother was taken into hospital with a suspected stroke which turned out to be something else.  While waiting for the ambulance, my father called me to let me know that she had woken up with one side of her face dropped and had lost consciousness for a short period of time.  BUT, what he was phoning for was to ask.....could i please go to their house and wait all day for a new washing machine that was being delivered  - i could hear her going on about it in the background while i was trying to find out from my father what had happened (he has a heart issue so i was worried about both of them).  I've posted previously about feeling like I'm being groomed/tested for future caregiving purposes, and when i look back, i think it was an attempt to physically involve me in a situation that i couldn't do anything about due to being in full lockdown.  I could be wrong, she does get hung up on buying and receiving new things, and perhaps my father humouring her to keep her calm.  Either way, it felt extremely messed up.  I am tempted to let it ring out if the quick consecutive calls happen in the future, or may just let him know that calling like that isn't acceptable given what's happened in the past.

Cat of the canals - Thanks, and I'm sorry to hear about your BIL x
There is definitely an automatic inclination to prioritise them and whatever is going on between us.  I have had a few realisation bombs thanks to their masks slipping here and there, but there's still the temptation to question whether it's me and to make plans to pre-empt and deal with their behaviours (i think i kid myself on that I'm creating boundaries sometimes when all I'm doing is trying to forecast and prepare  ).  I wonder if really what i should be doing is quit giving so much unnecessary energy to any relationships that seem to demand so much.  I suppose there's a balance to how much energy and overthinking that should be given even to normal, healthy relationships.  I probably need to focus on myself while still tending to my responsibilities of course.  Although I'm sure some would probably accuse me of being selfish for prioritising myself 

Justkeeptrying - Thanks.  I can relate to the empty bucket feeling. Sometimes I just want to simplify things but constantly have visual reminders of things that need done or need to be considered ( pd related or not), then I get overwhelmed into inaction and resentment because they take up so much space and leave little room for living. The things that used to revive me don't do it any more and that concerns me. But I think just prioritising getting out in nature more and away from those visual cues is what I need.  Thanks for making me re-evaluate what those bucket filling activities are.

[SparkStillLit]

My T has had me make a little list of bucket fillers. Little ones (light gardening, reading outside, sitting on porch with tea/coffee) and big ones (mainly an early morning kayak). She tells me to do a big one at least twice a week.
It is SO HELPFUL. In the dead of winter sometimes I'll go get a coffee or tea as a treat and sit at an overlook, or on a bench at the lakes where I kayak. It's too dang cold to possibly get wet, even for me. Or go for a hike around said smaller lakes.