Bumped into my BPD ex earlier...

[Simon]

Hi.

As I was walking home earlier today, I walked past my BPD ex Girlfriend and a bunch of her Flying Monkeys. (Some of them are ok, but some of them are definitely Flying Monkeys.

I said Hey to all of them as a group greeting, and some of them said hey back and smiled. She did not.
She was staring at me intensely.
One of them asked me something, and I answered with a joke and some of them smiled. She did not.
Then I said see you later, and a couple of them replied, but again she did not.

As these 20 seconds or so were happening, none of us stopped, just slowed and turned as we talked, and the whole time I could see my ex in the corner of my eye just looking at me. She didn't look away once.
I must have looked at her half a dozen times during me looking at them all in turn, during the whole conversation, and each time all I saw was her looking at me intensely.

I don't know if it was a "Look what I let go!" look, because I have worked very hard on myself over the last 12 months or so, or whether it was a "I fucking hate him!" look, because of some projected wrong-doing. I have no idea which.
All I know is that it was intense. You could almost feel the heat.
I guess I'll find out over the next couple of days, either by hoover attempts or by her slagging me off/her current bf knocking my door. 
Hopefully she'll watch some TV and forget she even saw me.

One other thing.
She has lost a silly amount of weight.
She's not a big girl anyway, and when we were going out, she showed me pictures of herself in her 20s when she was really skinny.
Anorexic skinny.
I remember baulking at the pictures at the time, and she said something like "What, you don't like how I looked there?"
Seriously, in those pics she was as bad as any pics you've seen on the subject, and from what I saw today, she's heading that way again.
She looked awful.
I know Borderlines have a problem with eating disorders.
Her head looked half the size it was. It just looked surreal.
Her face was also quite wrinkled (I always thought she had nice skin), and the only other time when I've seen someone's skin go like that was from drinking heavy.

As far as I know (but I don't really know), she's still with the guy who she dumped me for.
And as I mentioned recently, he has put on a lot of weight since being with her. Stones of it on his belly.
And she has lost almost all meat off her bones.
And she may be back on the drink. In a big way.

Now, I don't say this in a big-headed way, and I'm just stating facts, but when I met her, she was drinking heavy and had a little paunch from it. She stopped drinking while she was with me, lost the weight off her stomach and thighs, and looked and felt better about herself.
Then she dumped me for someone who has problems of his own, mentally, and she becomes unhealthily underweight.

I always wanted their relationship to fail, as some sort of validation for my ego/pride, which I think is quite normal.
But not only has it not failed or imploded completely yet (on it's way from what I've heard previously, but not sure if they're still together), but being with him seems to be having a disastrous effect on her health.

I selfishly wanted to rejoice in her relationship failing, but I didn't want to see this happening.
Walking past them with my new clothes on my lean, hard-worked, lockdown-induced body, with a spring in my step, a smile on my face and being genuinely happy was supposed to make me feel great, and make her see what she'd given up.
I imagined that if it ever happened, it would be the validation that I've been seeking.

But I've been left feeling a little sad.
I got no joy from it, because she was never supposed to suffer that way.
It was supposed to be my way of saying "look what you've missed out on!".
And even though that intense look could have been her hating me more than she's hated anyone in her life, all for no real reason, I still take no pleasure in seeing her like that.

She could be slagging me off right now, to her boyfriend if she's still with him, or to the flying monkeys, but I'm still sat here feeling sorry for her.
I guess that's because I'm a normal, rational human being.

And because I haven't seen much of her around, because of lockdown and everything, then I haven't experienced her looking at me that way, and I was surprised that it still stung after all this time, that after treating her so well during our relationship, she still seems to hate me for something.
I suppose most feel this when bumping into their BPD ex, but with me, it was postponed for 12 months by COVID!

It's been such a bizarre day.