Little Victories

[JustKeepTrying]

I am approaching the time I had been dreading.  My DS is graduating.  I am vaxxed and leaving the home.  Prepping my DS for college.  Prepping for the next phase of my life.  And now I have to see my OCPDxh.  He is still in our joint marital home and I gave him permission to stay but that time is ending and it's time to prep for sale.  Or buy me out.  We have graduations, proms, and multiple other events that I will inevitably see him.  It's been more than a year since I saw him last.

If you followed any of my posts, I have PTSD.  Severe anxiety.  Stage IV cancer and more.  I am the very definition of "The Body Keeps Score."  But last night was bad.  Just dreadful, paralyzing anxiety overseeing him.  Seeing him is a massive trigger and the seizures and aphasia begin from the PTSD.  It's awful.

So this morning, drinking my coffee and looking out my kitchen window, I said Hell NO!  He wanted to pick up the old license plates - so weird - and it had to happen today.  Just another in a long series of texts establishing control and crap.  I looked at my day and thought, no, I am going there.  So I drove the few miles to my old home and left the plates inside the garage.  Then left.  No seizures.  No confrontation.  No follow-up text.  Just left them.

It seems like a small thing but I was and am so proud.  This little bit of control.  Still feel slightly nauseous and anxious but overall, significantly better.  I know if I can get through this summer, move my kid to college, I will be home free of him.  I just got to hold on. a little longer.

Any suggestions for the anxiety that will probably return?  How do any of you prepare to face the PD?  How do you handle the nerves?  I am open to any all suggestions.  I am in therapy and it has been a lifesaver.

Thank you to all for the recommended books - Radical Acceptance; Why does he do that?; and more.  Very helpful.

[notrightinthehead]

Well done!
Seems to me that you are getting better one little baby step at a time. What you have done was assert yourself. You took back control. Decades ago I read a book "Feel the fear and do it anyway" I don't think it was much helpful for me at the time, but the title stuck and I every time I have applied it I felt better afterwards. Lighter somehow.

[Cat of the Canals]

Whenever I have a moment like this, I try to hold onto as long as I can. If I start getting anxious, I remind myself, "Remember what happened last time? Remember how you took charge? How good it felt to realize that they DON'T actually have control over everything? How the world continued to turn as if nothing happened?" It sounds silly, but sometimes I actually picture myself as someone really strong and brave. Like a superhero in a cape.  Dorky as heck, I know, but I swear it works!

As far as how to handle "next time," I think it's part of the Medium Chill guide (or maybe Grey Rock) to imagine yourself as a scientist. I put on my invisible labcoat and glasses, get out my clipboard, and start documenting the strange behavior of the PD in his/her natural environment. I make notations to myself in my head. "Interesting. Note the PD's body language. The persistent frown. The sneer on the lips. The passive aggressive tone of voice." It's hard to get emotional when you're in observation mode.

It can be hard to remember in the heat of the moment, so I try to have some kind of physical reminder. A hairtie on my wrist. Or a note in my pocket. My thumb painted an odd color. Something tangible that will catch my attention and remind me to go into "scientist" mode.

[athene1399]

I am so proud of you!!

I like grounding skills for anxiety in general. I have a bracelet on my wrist that I play with and focus on the texture when feeling anxious. It helps to get me out of my head and focusing on the present moment. Or focusing on my breathing. That helps decrease my anxiety too.

[Wilderhearts]

Amazing boundaries!  You decided what was OK for you, and what you would do rather than JADE or be controlled.

Also, kudos for knowing the value of celebrating this victory.  I'm sure it was hard-won after how long married to uOCPDxh.

You must be so proud of yourself.

[JustKeepTrying]

Thank you for the suggestions and support.  May is a month for parties and celebrations and I will see him at some point over the next week or so.  So the idea of a grounding item appeals to me.  Like the hair tie idea on the wrist.  I can fiddle with it and focus on the moment and my breathing.  I think it will really help.  Thank you!

[Free2Bme]

JustKeepTrying,

So many good suggestions here.  I would add that I see anxiety as a wave.  I acknowledge that it is happening, it will crest, and it will pass.  This helps me to know that I won't be stuck in that state.  I just focus on breathing through it.

I like CatofCanals idea about 'scientist' mode.  Becoming very 'meta' is a good way to disconnect (hopefully) from some of the somatic effects of an anxious situation.

Last year at DS high school graduation, we were grouped together as a family (me, updxh, and kids) and had to sit close together due to Covid distancing.  I dreaded it for weeks.  During the ceremony, I felt floaty and like I was in a tunnel.  I chose to focus on something pleasant at the end of the tunnel and tried to pretend updxh was invisible, I also did some scientist mode when it got intense.  Sounds weird I know, but it's how I got through. 

On a lighter note my DD21 has anxiety when she has to be around her dad.  She jokes that her dissociation is useful for times like these. 

[JustKeepTrying]

Free2beme,

My DS graduates in two nights.  My OCPDxh will be there.  But like with the plates, I am anxious and nervous and just that sickening swirl of emotions.  Throughout the day I returned to this thread and reread these supportive posts, and felt stronger.

So I took the tix and dropped them off in his mailbox.  This way no need to meet and give him the tix.  I attend and if he elects to sit with me I will put on my scientist hat and do just what you all suggested.

Taking a couple of bracelets as well to help keep me grounded.

I feel better already.  I completely get what your DD says about disassociating.  It really does protect us mentally!

[1footouttadefog]

Sometimes when I am stuck in my car with PDH, I pretend I am giving a crazy homeless guy a ride.  I remain polite and disengaged and am thankful he does not smell bad. 

[square]

Sometimes when I am stuck in my car with PDH, I pretend I am giving a crazy homeless guy a ride.  I remain polite and disengaged and am thankful he does not smell bad.

I'm going to be using this.

[BeautifulCrazy]

 
1foot this is hilarious!!

Sometimes when I am stuck in my car with PDH, I pretend I am giving a crazy homeless guy a ride.  I remain polite and disengaged and am thankful he does not smell bad. 

[JustKeepTrying]

1footouttadefog - thank you for a truly laugh-out-loud moment.

[JustKeepTrying]

Update

Last night was graduation.  It was my DS's desire that his father be there and it be a drama-free night.  So it was.  I wore a bracelet and kept playing with it.  It worked!  Every time my anxiety rose, I used the bracelet to breathe and calm down.

I also watched my OCPDxh and DD like a clinical scientist.  Saw some things that disturbed me.  Working through them.  My DD was fairly controlling and bossy.  She always has been but this time - well, I didn't like it and at the end of the night just didn't feel comfortable with her.  Going to have to work through that one.  Is PD genetic?

My son had a marvelous night and we had group pictures taken.  All was good.  Thank you all for the help and insight.