dealing with manipulative financially irresponsible parents

[deven]

I am dealing with a manipulative financially irresponsible mother . She keeps borrowing money from people and I am supposed to pay back , and keeps reminding me its my duty as a son. She would take help of my maternal uncles and aunts to put pressure on me. She would try gain sympathy of people and try to show me in a bad light.Some of my relatives from her side would criticise me and blame me always for not doing enough, this their way of supporting their sister.
My mother lies about things, and I have not seen people of her age lie so much.
Her habit of borrowing money has impacted the financial health of our family greatly. This has been going on for about fourteen years now.
I am married with a child and due to this activities it seems like future of my child is bleak., as all my income would go into repaying my mother's loans.
She would try to guilt trip me every now and then.
I am from a country where saying things against mother is kind of blasphemy.
I am confused and feeling completely helpless and don't know how to deal with this situation.

[SunnyMeadow]

I am married with a child and due to this activities it seems like future of my child is bleak., as all my income would go into repaying my mother's loans.
She would try to guilt trip me every now and then.
I am from a country where saying things against mother is kind of blasphemy.
I am confused and feeling completely helpless and don't know how to deal with this situation.

I feel bad for you. This must be so difficult to deal with especially that you're expected to take care of your mother.

My first reaction is to tell your mother over and over that you can't keep repaying her debts and obligations. It's just not right that she gets to borrow money from people and you're expected to pay it back. I'd tell everyone else in your family too. If people criticize you there isn't much you can do about. I'd give them a warning that they not discuss this topic with you. If they can't respect that it's time for you to take care of your own family, then they aren't good family or people to be trusted.

I'm sorry deven.

[Leonor]

Hello!

Your mom sounds a lot like my in-laws.

The money isn't about the money, and their mishandling of money isn't helplessness or ignorance or carelessness.

It's all about control. When you were little, and dependent on your mom, she had total control over you. Now that you are an adult, she cannot physically control you, and if you are financially independent, she cannot control you through money either.

She can only control you emotionally, and she uses money to do it. Not to bribe you, or buy you things, but to guilt you into paying attention to her. By making her the center of your life. By creating a whirlwind of worry and anxiety. "Poor mom! What can I do?"

And the easiest way to do this, risk-free to her actual health (although lots of our parents here have acted ridiculously during the pandemic to flirt with just that), is to run through all her money.

If you react in any way, her trick has worked. Speaking from experience, we have rearranged investments, set up special accounts, signed over inheritances, even met with their bankers and helped them rewrite their will. Doesn't matter, didn't work.

Or rather, it worked *perfectly*, because there we were, dancing like puppets for two people who resorted to simply overdrawing their checking accounts to start a fuss and get attention.

The only way for you to win is not to play. "I'm sorry to hear that, Mom. That sounds hard, Mom. I understand you're worried, Mom."

That's it. No gifts, no loans, no advice, no referrals to counselors, nothing. Zilch, zero, na-da.

She will escalate. She will scare you with tales of food insecurity, medical scarcity, bill collectors, even homelessness. Resist. Just, "Sorry to hear that, Mom. Okay, got to go now. Bye."

The anxiety and worry will be extreme. You may stay up nights sick with guilt over not helping your mom. You may have panic attacks over the thought of her meeting with some horrible fate.

This is where you begin your work, to heal your anxiety and worry by healing the little child inside who is terrified of his/her mommy, afraid of what she might do and what will happen to him/her if she does. That little child deserves all the comfort and reassurance in the world.

You're not alone, and you are a kind and generous person to care about your mom. You don't have to stop caring about her. But you can't take care of her, because she's not allowing herself to be taken care of. She only wants to look like she needs to be taken care of, because that's how she controls you.

It's so hard, and I'm sorry.

[Spring Butterfly]

That's horrible and my culture and background is similar. Parents are obeyed as if we're children except that's not correct thinking. My parents would even twist the whole "honor your parents" as "obey your parents" but that's not what honor means at all.

Mine aren't financially neglectful but are medically neglectful. In fact I relocated my family to care for them "in their old age" which began when they were only 60 years old and they were faking medical need. After we moved I found out the doctors being referred to in conversation as experts were not by any stretch recent opinions.

Since I'm not a doctor I kept deferring to the experts knowing they didn't exist and they would refuse to see a professional.

So I wonder if you can refer her to a financial planner of her choosing and claim your well has run dry, the money just isn't there. In reality the money isn't there if you're sacrificing your existence and your offspring's future for the sake of previous generations. Your first obligation above all else is your child and family of choice, your future and your children's future.

[Liketheducks]

Deven....you've nailed my FOO to a tee.      My parents had me so young, they were virtually unemployable.   We frequently moved out in the middle of the night because they couldn't pay rent.   Fast forward to before I found this site and great therapy....Mom was keen for me not only to support her, and my siblings and their families.     I even moved her in with us for a period of time.   It was a horrible mistake.
Saying things against my mother was blasphemy in my family, as well.    And, despite her cycling through my siblings homes.....I'm still the villain in her story.     
Congratulation on your new baby and family.    I have had to remind myself, we as children, don't choose to enter into dysfunctional families.    I've survived mine, but kept that first in my mind in balancing the "obligations" of my family of origin and those of the family I've chosen to make.     Your soon to arrive child needs you to advocate for them, protect them, provide for them.   Adults, even family members in your world, are perfectly capable of stepping up.   Mine did, when my bank vault doors closed. 
Mind you, I am the black sheep right now.....and I did take a while for me to come to grips with that decision.   In my case, nothing I ever did was enough.   When I realized that if it wasn't money, it would be time or attention, or some kind of weird loyalty thing.   I can't fix her.   Practice "this is what I'm willing to do" and 'No, I'm not prepared to do that".